Douche and a Danish/Script
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Cast
- Eric Cartman
- Heidi Turner
- Jason White
- Daniel Tanner
- Dildo Shwaggins
- Douglas
- Nichole Daniels
- Stan Marsh
- Nelly
- Lola
- Jimmy Valmer
- Butters Stotch
- Wendy Testaburger
- Tolkien Black
- Red McArthur
- Annie Knitts
- Randy Marsh
- Herbert Garrison
- PC Principal
- Clyde Donovan
- Gerald Broflovski
- Sheila Broflovski
- Kyle Broflovski
- Bebe Stevens
Script
Douche and a Danish | |
South Park Elementary playground. The boys and girls are yelling at each other as Nelly and Butters are about to fight each other. | |
Hit her! | |
Stupid girl! | |
Hit her, man! | |
Kick his ass, Nelly! | |
All boys should die! | |
Take him out! | |
I don't care if you're a boy, I'm gonna kick your ass! | |
[is seen with his pants put down and shirt pulled up] Anytime anywhere, skank. | |
Yeah! | |
Pull up your stupid pants first. | |
Why? You're afraid to fight me like a man? | |
Kick her ass, Butters. She called you stupid. | |
He is stupid! Look at him! | |
At least he's not a zzzzitty-faced ggirl. | |
Yeah! | |
[walks from the girls side of the fight to the in between Nelly and Butters and spreads his arms] Hey hey hey! Whoa, guys! Guys! [crowd stops yelling] Hasn't this gone on long enough? Aren't we tired of being so divided at skewl? | |
Get out of here, Cartman; nobody's buying it. | |
Yeah, everyone knows you're the worst! | |
Hey, leave him alone! [walks from the boys side of the fight to near Cartman] Eric tries to help [spreads her arms] and you call him names?! [talks to Cartman] Sorry, babe, I had to step in. | |
It's cool, Baby. | |
Heidi and Cartman kiss each other and causing the others to be flabbergasted. | |
Heidi?! | |
[faints] | |
Heidi has been really hurt by all of this, you guys. And I think it's time for us to all try to come together, as a skewl. | |
Presidential speech break room. Publicist speaks with Garrison. | |
All right sir [gives Garrison his lines], don't be nervous for your speech; I know we're down a bit in the polls, but there's still a great chance we can win the Swing States. | |
There's [flips through pages] still a chance, are you serious?! | |
Just one thing sir, be a little careful of what you say about women. Uh, seems like that might be losing us some votes. [walks away] | |
[puts his hand under his chin] Oh you don't say? | |
A campaign rally, later. "Make America Great Again." Chris Christie is at the podium]'' | |
Ladies and gentlemen, out country's divided like never before. And we all know that only one man has the guts to say what we're all thinking. Please, welcome the man who with your help will soon be the next President of the United States! [Mr. Garrison comes out to great fanfare and takes the mic.] | |
Douche! Douche! Douche! Douche! Douche! Douche! Douche! Douche! Douche! Douche! Douche! Douche! Douche! [somewhere in there a man shrieks. Garrison lights up a cigarette and starts pacing] | |
So I'm standin' in line at the airport, waitin' in security 'cause of all the freakin' Muslims. [cheers and applause] | |
Ow! | |
And the TSA security people all look like black thugs from the inner city; I'm like "Oh good, you're gonna protect us?" [laughter] Well maybe it's good they're all gang members. At least they can tell the difference between Muslims and Mexicans, 'cause God knows I can't. [applause] You know, I'm standin' there in line and you know what I do? I stick my finger in this chick's asshole, [applause and laughter] and she turns to me and says, "Hey, aren't you that guy that's running for President?" I say Yeah. She says "Why you got your finger in my ass?" I say "I'm just keeping it warm, honey, 'cause that chick next to you is way hotter and I'm gonna stick it in her clam." [the men are clapping, the women just look at him now] Yeah, let's make America great again. No dude wants his finger in some ugly bitch's ass. [the men laugh] You gotta be careful though, it's only about half an inch away, you know, that asshole and that clam, so you gotta be careful. Right dudes? [A woman gets up and makes her way to the aisle] Oh. Oh, where are you goin'? Are you leavin? [the woman turns right to leave the rally] I'm sorry, did I offend you? Where did I lose you, honey? You've been okay with the "fuck everyone to death," all the Muslim and Mexican shit, but fingers in the ass did it for ya? [she reaches the door and exits] Cool, just wanted to see where your line was! [some more women get up, one of them leaves with her husband] Oh yeah, look, I guess some more broads are leavin'. Oh Jeez you were so on board, I can't believe I let that little offensive mark slip. Poor girls. Did you get your feelings hurt after "Fuck all the immigrants" and?" Jeez, I'm sorry. Jeez. | |
Trolltrace.com, day. A camera zooms into it. Lennart Bedrager dances into view. | |
[in a weird accent] Hello. Are you tired of hate speech? Are you sick of sexism and-a bigotry? Then please, help the Danish put an end to trolls. | |
Tjing tjang tjing nutillej. | |
Right now, the people of Denmark are working on a biometric computer superstructure which will allow people all around the world to identify the trolls in their communities. | |
Tjing tjang tjing nutillej. | |
But to make this dream into a reality, we still need your donations. We are just a few million kroners away, so please donate via the social media of your choice. | |
[four windows open and some Danes sing out] Tjing tjang tjing nutillej. | |
Just imagine it, knowing who said what on the Internet. | |
The whole world will be-a peaceful and happy. | |
Like-a here, in Denmark. | |
Help fund our project on social media today! | |
Together, we will rid the world of trolls. Tjing tjang lu, Tjing tjang lu, Tjing tjang tjing nutillej! | |
The darkened room from last episode. The trolls are gathered there again to plan their next move. | |
Fellow trolls, we have gathered together because our anonymity is being threatened. Individually, we are some of the most notorious trolls in Colorado. We must now find a way to unite. Each one of us has the power to make message boards go haywire, The power to make individuals buckle and fall. Imagine if we use those skills against a common enemy. | |
They have an entire government at their disposal. | |
And we... have Skankhunt42. | |
[sighs] It's Gerald. Alright? | |
I believe that he... is the key to stopping all this. | |
South Park Elementary Gym, day. PC Principal is holding an assembly | |
Alright everyone, listen up. This school is falling apart, and it needs to stop. Boys are harassing girls, and girls are stereotyping boys as- Not now, Mr. Stotch! Put it away! | |
[with his pants down and dick out] Well okay. [pulls his pants back up.] | |
Now I've asked for some ideas and a couple of students wanna try and help. Please welcome Heidi and Eric. [they come up wearing matching shirts: "COME TOGETHER as a school"] | |
Hey you guys? | |
What's up? [the other kids stay silent] | |
Guys, we have a lot of problems facing our skewl. I don't know if many of you know Heidi but she's really smart and really funny. | |
Eheh, stop, Eric. | |
You are. And she's come up with a pretty cool idea. Tell 'em, baby. | |
Thanks, babe. I don't know if you guys have heard, but right now, Denmark is trying to make trolling a thing of the past. They're asking for help, and I thought "why not a school fundraiser?" | |
Yeah, but the way you said it was actually way funnier, remember? | |
What? How did I say it? [from here their voices get softer and softer until they're whispering to each other] | |
Remember, you were like "Oh, what if we had a fundraiser?" in uh, what was it? [they hold hands] Remember, you- it was like uh- | |
When was this? Were we at Denny's? | |
Yeah, we were having uhh, that dessert thing. What was that, that-? | |
[giggling] Oh, and you kept spilling it and everything? | |
Yeah, yeah, remember? Remember that there was that, that guy that had that, what was it | |
He had that weird haircut and you kept saying that it looked like he had a dick on his head. | |
Yeah yeah yeah, that's when you said that- don't let anybody- [they get lost in the moment for a few seconds whispering to each other. The other kids lean forward trying to understand what they're discussing. Cartman notices, then] Oh hey guys. Wha-what's up? Oh right. A school fundraiser. Tomorrow, we'll be going to each individual class with more information. And after that... | |
Then we should all come together [mimicking Cartman] as a skewl. [Cartman giggles and sighs happily. Bebe throws up involuntarily] | |
Campaign headquarters. Garrison's advisers are exasperated after his disastrous rally. Caitlyn is polishing her nails | |
Sir, what were you thinking? We said to be careful how you talked about women. | |
[satisfied with himself] Yeah I don't know, I guess I just kind of screwed the pooch on that one. [checks for any Pabst Blue Ribbon cans with beer left in them] | |
We are way down in the polls. I don't know how we recover from this. | |
Oh really? Jeez that's too bad. [dusts off his pants and checks his shoes] | |
A lot of us have staked our lives on backing you! You can't just go bonkers like this! | |
Hey, sorry. I didn't realize women were racists. | |
You have... millions of supporters who are looking to you to lead! They're gonna wanna know what you're gonna do about this! | |
I mean, I don't know. Nothin'. Whatever. | |
You wanna tell them that? They're outside. [Garrison is horrified.] | |
Campaign headquarters, outside. a crowd of people wait to hear from Garrison. He cracks the door open and looks out | |
What's goin' on?! | |
What are ya doin?! | |
[steps outside] Oh, uh hey everybody. Uh, looks like we're tanking in the polls, but you know what? It's fixed. I was never gonna win in the first place. I knew it from the beginning. And on November 8th, when I lose, I'll be able to say "I told you so!" [grins. The crowd is not amused.] | |
This son of a bitch pulled a fast one on us! | |
It's like he's not even trying! | |
Oh no, I'm I'm trying. I just- | |
Get him! | |
Shiiit! [he runs off, and the crowd gives chase] Ohhh Jeeez! [people in the crowd come armed with shovels, pitchforks, bats, axes, knives, guns... One person even has a chainsaw he has trouble starting up.] | |
Kill him! Tear his head off! Don't let him get away! | |
[ginally gets that chainsaw going] Yeah haw! | |
The Airport Hilton. A concierge walks the hallways, humming to himself, and stops by a private conference: "Rape Victims Anonymous" | |
[knocks on the door] | |
What do you want? Go away. | |
Hey, just checking to see if you needed any more refreshments for the conference room? | |
We're fine. We don't need anything. | |
[within the room] Some more creamer? | |
Just some more creamer. | |
Alright, well, I just wanna say "thanks for choosing the-" [the troll shuts the door] | |
Okay, we're clear again. | |
You were saying, Skankhunt? | |
Alright, look. How do you troll somebody? | |
Say really fucked up shit and make them quit social media? | |
No, no, no, it's not about one person. It's about pushing people's buttons so that they'll react in a way that pushes other people's buttons. Look, you don't just troll a woman with cancer to get a reaction from her, it's all about the group of people that are gonna come to her defense. They're gonna be so self-righteous that another group of people will eventually find those people totally annoying. You're just setting them against each other. It's like the fission reaction that sets off the fusion explosion. The Internet does it all, and you just sit back with your glass of wine and laugh. | |
Wow... that seems kind of... mean. | |
It's not mean if it's hilarious. | |
If we all worked with you, Skank, could we do it? Could we troll an entire country? | |
If we all worked together? Maybe. [makes a fist with his left hand] Maybe. | |
South Park Elementary, day. Mrs. Nelson has a lesson on mammals on the board, but Heidi is talking to the class about something else. | |
Hey guys. Today we're gonna start our school fundraiser. It's an idea I came up with called "Danishes for Denmark." | |
[almost whispering] It's awesome. You're doing awesome. | |
We need everyone to do their part, so later on in the cafeteria, we are all gonna need to- [the classroom door opens and Heidi looks to see who opened it. Mr. Garrison rushes in and gets to work immediately] | |
[frantic] Okay children, let's take our seats! Let's uh, get back to our lessons on grammar, shall we? | |
Mr. Garrison? | |
Okay, does anybody, uh, remember where we left off? No? Alright, uh, who can tell me what an adjective is? [to Mrs. Nelson] You can go now, I'm back. [to the class] Who can t-who can tell me what an adjective is? | |
Uh, aren't you running for President? | |
Adjectives usually come before what? They come before nouns, that's right. | |
[clears his throat] Mr. Garrison, you can't just act like nothing happened! You're spiraling out of control, and you have to answer to the people! | |
I don't know what you're talking about! I am a teacher! [back to the board] Okay, adjectives describe nouns, and there are several types of them- | |
Mr. Garrison. | |
What are some examples of adjectives you can give me for this sentence? Anybody? [writes "Jack threw the ball." on the board.] | |
You sold people a line, Mr. Garrison, and you have to make good on it! | |
The yellow ball. That's a good one. Or we can say "the slippery ball," can't we? | |
Come on. [his advisers come in.] | |
What else about the ball? No, please! [The advisers gather around him and carry him off] What else can we say about the ball, children? No, please! Leave me alone! | |
The bouncy ball? | |
[grabs a chalk stick and scratches it against the blackboard] No! No, I'm not going back! Please! They're gonna kill me, children! Please! Help me, children! Help me! [Chris Christie shuts the door] | |
The Broflovski house, day. Gerald and Dick arrive and go inside. They carry with them keyboards, computers, cables... | |
Okay, come on. Office is upstairs. [they run into Sheila] Oh, hi honey. | |
Gerald, you're back from your convention? | |
Yeah, it went really well. This is uh, my IT guy. Gonna help me get my office computers set back up. | |
Well, can I make you guys somethin' to eat? | |
Don't worry about us, hon. Lots of work to do. Love you so much! [he and Dick go on upstairs.] Ike, no Internet tonight. We need all the bandwidth we can get. Say hi to Dildo Shwaggins. | |
Hello. [Gerald closes the door] | |
Gerald's home office. Gerald and Dick sit on the floor putting the computers back in place. | |
I gotta hand it to you, Gerald. You have a really nice home, nice family. | |
Yeah? Well now you see I have a lot to lose if they find out who I am. | |
And who is that? | |
What? | |
I've studied your work. You're so good at lashing out at the system. Bringing people down off their high horses. Why do you do it? | |
I told you, it's just funny to me. I do it for the lulz. | |
I don't believe that. I think there's more to Skankhunt. When I was in school, kids teased me. Called me "midget," even though I'm not. My mother was a little person, but she actually married a guy who had gigantism syndrome. She thought, if she was a little person and had a baby with a giant, I would come out normal. [Gerald stifles a laugh] We can't let these Danish pricks take our online lives, Skank. For some of us... it's all we have. | |
The school cafeteria, day. A banner over the kitchen entrance reads "SCHOOL FUNDRAISER. LET'S ALL WORK TOGETHER." All the kids are making Danishes and PC Principal supervises it all. | |
Let's come together as a skewl. | |
We can work together hand in hand to make the whole world understand that | |
We came together as a skewl. | |
Put our difference aside, feeling hope now feeling pride.
No more fighting, it's time for something new. | |
Let's come together as a skewl. | |
During the song, the following things are seen: Two kids come up to get some trays with freshly backed Danishes on them, two other kids hand them the trays. Stan, Wendy, and Millie spread frosting on the Danishes. Butters and Nelly do the same at another table. Red passes by. Nichole and Tolkien prepare the batter, as do Tweek and a girl. Clyde and Bebe pack the Danishes up and hand them to Nelly, then move on to the next box. By the time the song ends, the kids look tired. Annie, Kyle, Kevin, and another girl are putting frosting on their Danishes. | |
I really feel like this is the start of something new! We're gonna help Denmark, and Denmark is gonna put an end to trolls. | |
And then maybe everyone can finally be as happy as we are. | |
Let's come together as a skewl. | |
Terraform Mars. | |
Shi Tpa Town, day. Mr. Garrison rans past City Wok | |
Oooooohhh. [stops to catch his breath, then sees his advisers and runs again] Oohh! | |
He went this way! | |
Get back here! You're acting like an idiot! [Behind the advisers is the crowd of supporters with their weapons] | |
Get him! String him up! We put our faith in you, asshole! | |
The trolls are in their own homes now. | |
Test test 1 2. This is Dildo Shwaggins. We are ready to commence the trashing of Denmark. All trolls report in. | |
PurpleheadedQueeflicker standing by. | |
[voice over] Che Gamorrah standing by. | |
MLKKK and I'm ready. | |
Anonymous821 signed in to multiple accounts and standing by. | |
[voice over] URFATANDDUM standing by. | |
SuperSexyLisa18 standing by. | |
[voice over] YourMomsTits standing by. | |
Skankhunt42 standing by. | |
Okay. everyone follow Skankhunt's lead. Don't get distracted, we are only trolling Denmark. | |
Alright, engaging Twitter... now! Prepare for overreaction on my mark. 3... 2... Mark. | |
South Park, day. Sleet falls to the ground as the wind howls through town. Thunder rolls by. Garrison, dripping wet from the sleet, finds a door and steps inside - it's the South Park Community Center. He sees the members of Member Berries Anonymous seated around a circle, with an empty chair waiting for the random walk-in. Garrison's spray tan is washing off. | |
Hey, Mr. Garrison. Come on in, bud. Have a seat, you're not alone. | |
You, you're not gonna try and lynch me too? | |
No lynchings here, little cowboy. Take a seat. [Garrison takes the seat] You wanna share with us what you're goin' through? | |
[crying softly] It's all my fault. I just wanted to get rid of all the immigrants, you know? [takes out a napkin and blows his nose with it] I just- I thought we could fuck them all to death, and everyone started listening to me. Next thing I know I actually get the nomination from the Republicans! | |
It's not your fault, little guy. | |
It is my fault! I told people I could make the country great again, but I didn't have a plan! | |
Not your fault. | |
I got caught up in people cheerin' for me, bein' in the media every day. I, I led this entire election down the shitter. | |
You've gotta stop blaming yourself. | |
Well then, whose fault is it?! | |
Here, catch. [tosses a member berry at him] | |
Member Lando Calrissian? Member tauntauns? Member? Member feeling safe? | |
What the fuck is this? | |
That... is why millions of Americans want you to be President. But there's more... | |
The Broflovski house. Gerald is in bed, sleeping. Dick knocks on his bedroom door and Gerald wakes up. He checks for Sheila, but she's not in bed. He gets up to answer the door, and Dick shows him the latest headline: DENMARK IN TURMOIL! | |
It's started! [smiles. Gerald smiles back, then grins.] | |
The living room. Gerald and Dick run down to the sofa and take seats | |
Did they pick it up on Yahoo? | |
Don't know, but Google has it as the number one story. | |
Oh, shit! Go to, go to Huffington! | |
Millions of people took to the Internet last night after shocking claims were made about the Danish company LEGO and their ties to ISIS. | |
Oh yes! This is CNN front page right now. | |
It now appears the country of Denmark was the victim of a massive troll. The country is still reeling from the LEGO hoax story. | |
Tom, by the time the hoax was revealed the damage had already been done. Millions of people got on the anti-Denmark bandwagon, and when millions more came in to support Denmark, hundreds of millions more got on the anti-Denmark bandwagon. | |
We did it! We did it! [Kyle appears at the top of the stairs] | |
Oh, Kyle! Ahh, hey, I didn't think you'd be leaving yet. | |
I have a fundraiser at school. | |
Well, did you see what was all over the Internet? Everyone's ripping on LEGOs. | |
What? | |
Yeah, now the whole world is blowing up with Danish jokes. It's hilarious. | |
The Guardian has a bunch of stories up about how the Denmark government isn't responding to even interview requests. | |
Wow, fuck Denmark, huh Kyle? That's gotta be what just about everyone is thinking now. Fuck Denmark. [Dick grins] | |
Trolltrace.com, day. Its executives run inside the building for an emergency meeting. | |
Sir, public opinion of Denmark is-a very very shit. | |
All our social media pages are-a filled with million and millions of-a horrible comments. | |
And our crowd-funding sites are taken over too. | |
Everyone is making fun of us like we were goofballs. | |
How could-a this-a happen? | |
Because that's what trolls DO! I should have known that once they got wind of our little plan, they would start trolling us! | |
So then Denmark isn't funding ISIS? | |
Of course not! | |
But-a how do we prove that to the rest of-a the world? | |
We can't respond, it will only make the trolls stronger! Our only choice is to go offline | |
You mean we have to quit Twitter? | |
Everything, you ignoramus! The only way to stop the bleeding is for Denmark to get off social media! Pokkers Du Trold! | |
South Park Elementary, day. In front of the school, the kids have set up their Danishes for Denmark stand. Some of the kids are dressed in what appears to be Danish outfits]'' | |
Hello. [a car rolls by] Buy a Danish to help stop trolling? How come nobody's stopping? Maybe this was a terrible idea. | |
It was a great idea. [spots another car driving by] Hey! Hey, buy a Danish for Denmark? | |
Heheh, fuck Denmark | |
[runs up with his boxes and throws then down] That's it! I am through with your stupid crap! Every house I've been to just rips on me and and says Denmark is stupid! | |
What? | |
[arriving] It's true. Denmark got trolled last night. They left social media. | |
Then, all of this was... for nothing. | |
I told you fellas! This is what you get for working with a bunch of stupid girls! | |
How is this our fault?! At least we actually did the work! | |
Oh yeah? You guys fucked up all the frosting! | |
You assholes overcooked them! [the kids begin to argue with each other] | |
Oh no! This was a terrible idea! [leaves the booth] | |
Heidi! [follows her] | |
the side of the school, moments later. Heidi reaches a tree and sobs on it a little. Cartman catches up to her | |
I'm so stupid! | |
Don't say that. | |
Why did I even think I could bring the boys and girls together again? | |
Because you're smart and funny, that's why. It was a great idea, Heidi. [puts his hand on her shoulder] I think that somehow... trolling is playing a bigger part in this than anyone even realizes. | |
The member berry anonymous meeting. Mr. Garrison is still there | |
Every great empire reaches a point where going backward can seem more appealing than forward. When the world is changing so fast it makes us yearn for the old ways, when life seemed simpler. But it doesn't mean those old ideas are good for us now. We have to face one hard reality as a country. [stands by an easel with a Star Wars poster on it] The new Star Wars was not as good as everyone thought it was. It may seem fun to go back and recycle the past we loved, but we end up with no sustenance. | |
I thought you were gonna explain why people want a guy like me to be President. | |
Well, that's important too, I guess, but, it's just a symptom of the same thing. See, when a civilization has become so big it starts to get lazy, then that's [removes the Star Wars poster to reveal a picture of a member berry orchard] when you get member berries. They're noting new. They date back all the way to the Roman Empire. [shows a painting of a woman giving her lover some member berries.] Once too many Romans ate the member berries there was no more growth. They rested on their laurels just eating and 'membering all the good stuff. | |
I think those are just grapes. | |
Thought so too till I zoomed in. [removes the painting to show a closeup of just the berries] | |
Member? | |
You see, we all wanna go back to when we were kids. Simple ideas like a big man to protect us, keep us safe. Instead of a fresh new Star Wars we want the old, just recycled and plopped in our tummies. | |
You almost make it sound like J.J. Abrams is responsible for this entire election. | |
Does this look familiar? [removes the closeup to show J.J. Abrams wearing a cap on which is written "MAKE STAR WARS GREAT AGAIN."] | |
[takes a good look at the picture, then stands up] Ohh Jeeez. | |
Trolltrace.com. Lennart Bedrager sits in the conference room alone | |
Sir! We got a message from overseas. You really should see it. | |
A message how? We're completely offline. | |
This was sent on VHS. Whoever sent it is-a completely offline too. | |
Put it on the screen. [a video pops up with Cartman and Heidi on it.] | |
People of Denmark, we know that you've been the victim of trolling. So have we. Maybe we can help. I'm not sure if you know my girlfriend Heidi but... She's really smart and really funny. | |
Stop baby, no I'm not. | |
[whispers] You are, babe. Stop it. | |
Who the hell are these people? | |
Just listen. | |
[whispers] Go on, babe, just tell them. Tell them. | |
I have an idea. I might be able to figure out the source of who trolled you last night. | |
Get everyone back inside. If this girl really is that smart and funny, we might have another shot here. [the other Dane goes away] | |
End of Douche and a Danish |
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Story Elements |
"Let's Come Together As a School" • Skankhunt42 • "Tjing Tjang Tjing" • TrollTrace.com | ||||
Media | |||||
Release |