Bebe's Boobs Destroy Society/Script

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Script

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"Free Hat/Script"

"Bebe's Boobs Destroy Society/Script"

"Child Abduction is Not Funny/Script"

Cast

• Bebe Stevens
• Kyle Broflovski
• Tweek Tweak
• Stan Marsh
• Eric Cartman
• Wendy Testaburger
• Red McArthur
• Butters Stotch
• Clyde Donovan
• Craig Tucker
• Tolkien Black
• Kevin Stoley
• Timmy Burch
• Randy Marsh
• Sharon Marsh
• Jimbo Kern
• Liane Cartman
• Mrs. Stevens
• Alexis Testaburger
• Dr. Hallis
• Blonde and Brunette nurses
• Mr. Mackey
• Two Astronauts
• Polly Prissypants
• Precious, the rubber poodle
• Millie Larsen
• Esther
• Bradley Biggle
• Francis
• Bebe's breasts

Script

Bebe's Boobs Destroy Society
	Cartman's house, morning. Stan, Kyle, and Tweek show up. Stan rings the doorbell. Liane comes to the door.
Liane	Oh, hello boys.
Stan	Hi. Uh, the school called and said we all have to start going to class again.
Liane	Oh, but I thought your teacher died.
Kyle	She did, but now they're saying we have to start going back to school anyways. It's totally gay.
Liane	Oh. Well, I'll tell Eric. He's just down in the basement playing with his dolls. [turns and walks off]
Tweek	Cartman likes to play with dolls?
	Cartman's basement. He's playing with a rubber lamb at the edge of a hole in the floor.
Cartman	[strokes the lamb and sets it aside] Hello, Precious. Yes, that's a good Precious. [grabs a basket with a bottle of lotion sitting inside and lowers it down the hole. The basket stops when it reaches Polly Prissy Pants, which sits at the bottom of the hole] Now it takes the lotion from the basket.
Polly Prissy Pants	[Cartman voicing] Oh please, mister. Please let me out of here.
Cartman	It puts the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again.
Precious	[Cartman voicing] Bark bark bark bark!
Cartman	Yes, that's a good Precious. Okay, now it puts the lotion back in the basket.
Polly Prissy Pants	Please, mister, let me out.
Cartman	It puts the lotion back in the basket!
Polly Prissy Pants	I miss my mom, mister. I wanna see my-
Cartman	[throws a fit] Put the lotion in the fucking basket!
Liane	Sweetie.
Cartman	Yes, mom?
Liane	You have to get ready for school.
Cartman	[thinks a bit, then looks up] No, our teacher's dead. Remember?
Liane	Yes, but they said two weeks off was enough, and they want everyone back.
Cartman	[pause] Two weeks isn't enough. I'm not over our teacher's tragic death. I'm still sh-shooken up.
Liane	You'll get over it, honey.
Cartman	[whining] But I wanna plaaayyy!
	South Park Elementary, Fourth Grade. The kids pour into the classroom, chattering. Wendy walks up and starts talking to Red and Annie.
Wendy	I can't believe it's been two weeks since I've seen you guys. What have you been doing? [Bebe walks in]
Bebe	Hey guys.
Wendy	Hey Bebe.
Bebe	You guys, uh, [holds out her arms] notice anything different? [looks down at her body]
Wendy	[the three girls gaze] Oh my God, Bebe. You got boobs!
Bebe	Yeah, they started coming in last week. At first I thought they were just mosquito bites, but, then they didn't go away.
Mr. Mackey	[enters the classroom and walks past the girls] M'kay, kids, let's take our seats, m'kay? [the girls take their seats] I know this has been a difficult couple of weeks for you all with the untimely death of your teacher, but it's time for us to try to move on and learn, m'kay?
Cartman	Mr. Mackey, I don't think I'm over the teacher's tragic death yet. I need more time. It's just... it still hurts, you know? Can I go home?
Mr. Mackey	No. Eric, what we're gonna do is learn to hide our emotions with math problems. [turns, grabs some chalk, and starts writing on the board] M'kay, so let's start with some multiplication tables over here, m'kay. First we'll do, uh, 4x4, m'kay?
Kyle	Dude, look at Bebe. ["We'll move into the 5x thing." Bebe is busy taking notes. "We'll try 5x3..."] Something seems different about her.
Stan	Yeah, I noticed that too. Did she get a haircut or something?
Kyle	I don't know. [Bebe continues writing]
Clyde	Hey, Tolkien. You know, I never really noticed before, but that girl Bebe is... kinda cool.
Tolkien	I was just thinking the same thing. It's like, she's a girl, but, she's someone you could hang out with.
Butters	[pipes up behind Annie] Yeah. Bebe is kinda cool, huh? [Bebe continues writing]
Cartman	Hey Craig, is that the same shirt that that Bebe chick always wears?
Craig	I don't know. Why?
Cartman	It just... it just seems like a really awesome shirt.
Craig	Yeah. It kinda does. [Bebe continues writing, but stops and looks to her right. All the boys are staring at her, all the girls look at the board.]
Mr. Mackey	Okay, and so uh, [Bebe is looking back, wondering why the boys keep staring at her] so who can tell me the answer to the first problem, 6x8? Uh, Bebe?
Bebe	[breaks the stare and answers] Oh, uh, 48?
All the boys	Whoa.
Clyde	That is an awesome answer!
All the boys	Yeah!
Kyle	Dude! Bebe is really smart!
Stan	Yeah. I never noticed that before. Maybe she's actually cool enough to hang out with us.
Cartman	Yeah, maybe.
	South Park Elementary, later. Three girls walk to class: Wendy, Bebe, and Red. Wendy is talking.
Wendy	...But I was like, "I'm not buying those shoes for $20." [the girls stop and giggle]
Stan	[arriving with a group of boys: Kyle, Cartman, Tolkien, Butters, Tweek, and Clyde] Ah, hey, Bebe.
Bebe	Yeah?
Stan	Uh, we're gonna go throw rocks at cars later on, and we thought maybe you'd like to join us.
Bebe	Really? [Wendy and Red look at her] I've never done that before.
Butters	[Stan and Kyle part a bit for a better view] Wuuhh, it's really fun. You toss these little rocks at cars, and if the driver gets angry, you blame me.
Kyle	Yeah, it's cool.
Bebe	Well sure, that sounds hella fun.
The boys	Hahahahahaha...
Kyle	Yeah.
Stan	Hella fun.
Cartman	Right, heh.
Clyde	Wow, hella fun. That's awesome.
Tolkien	I'm gonna start saying that now.
Stan	Cool. [the boys turn as one and walk back the way they came] We'll see you later, Bebe.
Wendy	[Wendy catches up to Stan. The boys are grinning. Stan stops and looks] Stan, you've never asked me to throw rocks at cars with you guys.
Stan	That's different, dude. You're like, my girlfriend. Bebe's just... I don't know. She's just cool. [turns and walks off]
Kyle	[looks over his shoulder] Yeah. She's really cool. [Wendy gets upset]
Clyde	It's weird how we never noticed before. [Wendy looks back at Bebe, who just shrugs]
	A hill just outside of town. The boys and Bebe are gathered at the summit.
Stan	So what you do, see, is you wait for a car to drive by that big pine tree. Then you chuck a rock at it. It's all about the timing. [he throws a rock towards the road and the others look at the trajectory. A blue pick-up truck drives by and is hit]
Driver	You damn kids!
Bebe	Cool.
Clyde	You try it, Bebe.
Bebe	Okay.
Tolkien	Here comes a sedan. [Bebe throws a rock at the red sedan and hits it]
Driver	You damn kids!
The boys	Awesome!
Butters	Cool! [close up] That was the most perfect throw I've ever seen.
Kyle	That was sweet, Bebe. [shows her another rock and another grip] Now, if you just hold the rock like this, you-
Clyde	Yeah. [grabs a hold of the rock and pulls it a bit] Here, it's like if you put your thumb on this side-
Kyle	[pulls back] I'm showing her.
Clyde	[pulls back] Yeah, just let me show her real quick how to put the thumb and-
Kyle	[gives an ape look and smacks Clyde, who lets go of the rock] Hoh!
Clyde	[grunts back and moves off] Hoh hoh hoh! [Bebe is stunned at this development]
Kyle	Hoh! [watches, then reverts to normal and talks to Bebe. Stan moves in] Anyways, you put a spin on it by holding it here and-
Stan	[grabs the rock and demonstrates] Yeah, and then you can actually hold it like this. Now-
Kyle	[peeved] Hoh! Hoh hoh hoh hoh! [Bebe backs up, scared]
Stan	Hoh hoh hoh!
Kyle	Hah hah hah!
Craig	[beats his chest] Urh urh urh! [all the boys start grunting and displaying aggression]
Bebe	Uh. Listen guys, um, it's 5:30. I'm supposed to get home, so... I'll see you later. [leaves. The boys continue grunting and putting on displays. She walks faster the farther she moves from the boys. The boys notice her absence and stop.]
Stan	[beat] ...Wait, what were we doing again?
Kyle	We were throwing rocks at cars.
The boys	Oh yeah.
Cartman	Woohoo.
Butters	[points] Uh there comes an SUV. [Tolkien throws a rock and hits the SUV]
Jimbo	You damn kids!
	South Park Elementary, next day. The kids are in their seats. Bebe is the last kid to enter class and find a seat.
The boys	Hi, Bebe.
Bebe	Hey everybody.
Wendy	[rolls her eyes and rests her head on her right hand] Oh, for Christ's sake!
Mr. Mackey	[arriving, puts his textbooks on the teacher's desk] M'kay. Kids, yesterday I asked you to write a paper to read aloud for the class. Now, who wants to start? [Clyde raises his hand] M'kay, Clyde?
Clyde	[picks up his paper and starts] My paper is called, "Why Bebe is the coolest person, ever".
Stan	Hey, that's what I wrote about!
Butters	Me too!
Clyde	[grunts] Hoh!
Stan	[grunts and pounds his desk] Hah hah, hah! [the other boys start grunting like apes]
Mr. Mackey	Uuuuh-okay. Go ahead, Clyde.
Clyde	[glowers at Stan, then reads] "My friend Bebe is really smart. She tells funny jokes and knows a lot about stuff. She's good at almost everything she tries. She's awesome. The end." [some applause]
Mr. Mackey	M'kay, very nice, Clyde. Uh, Tolkien, why don't you read your paper?
Tolkien	[picks up his paper and reads] "If I could be Bebe." [Wendy is miffed and rolls her eyes] "If I was Bebe, I would have lots of friends because I would be sooo great. I would make people smile and think wherever I went."
Mr. Mackey	[takes a moment to think, then] M'kay, interesting, Tolkien. Uh... Who would like to go next? [the rest of the boys raise their hands energetically and make small sounds to get Mackey's attention] Uh, how about someone who didn't write about how cool Bebe is?
The boys	[softly] Oh. [they lower their hands. Bebe raises hers]
Mr. Mackey	M'kay, Bebe?
Bebe	[picks up her paper and reads] "My cat Thumper."
The boys	Wwooww.
Bebe	[sees the reaction and continues reading] "Thumper is gray with a white spot. Sometimes he likes to chase his tail." [the boys break out in laughter]
Clyde	Chase his tail? That must be so funny!
Bebe	"Thumper is 12 years old. That's pretty old for a cat. The end."
The boys	Wwooww!
Cartman	God, you know what? That's so true. Because, you sometimes never really think about how old a pet is until it's gone.
Craig	That's true, huh? Man, that really makes me reflect on my pets.
Stan	That's such a great paper! [starts clapping. The other boys join in the applause]
Mr. Mackey	M'kay. Wendy, why don't we hear your paper?
Wendy	[picks up her paper and reads] "The new Cold War."
Cartman	Oh God! Here we go again! Dork alert! [the boys crack up]
	South Park Elementary cafeteria. Wendy is talking to Red, Millie, and Esther.
Wendy	But, then the mall closes at 4:00 or 5:00, so who knows w-
Clyde	[arrives with Kyle, Tolkien, Craig, Bradley, and Francis] Hey, have any of you dumb girls seen Bebe anywhere?
Wendy	[angrily] No!
Kyle	Maybe she's in the lunch line.
The boys	Yeah.
Wendy	Can you believe Bebe? She thinks she's so cool all of a sudden.
Millie	I can't stand her anymore! She's such a slut!
Esther	She's a total slut!
Red	You know what I heard? I heard that she made out with eight different boys in one minute.
Millie	I heard that she lifted her shirt to the boys at the bus stop.
Wendy	I heard that her asshole is like this big around. [makes a hole with her hands, thumb touching thumb, the other fingers touching their counterparts on the other hand]
Millie, Esther	Wwooww.
Bebe	[comes into view] Hey guys.
Wendy	Oh, hey Bebe. [fakes a clearing throat] Slut. [again] Slut.
Millie	[fakes a clearing throat] Slut.
Esther	[fakes a clearing throat] Slut.
Millie	[fakes a clearing throat] Slut.
Bebe	...You guys still wanna go ice-skating after school?
Wendy	Oh, no, that's okay Bebe. You might trip and then we'd be sucked into your huge gaping vagina like ants into a vacuum cleaner. [fakes a clearing throat] Slut. [again] Slut.
Millie	[fakes a clearing throat] Slut.
Esther	[fakes a clearing throat] Slut.
Red	[fakes a clearing throat] Slut.
Wendy	Slut.
Millie	[fakes a clearing throat] Slut. [the girls take their trays and leave, giggling]
Girls	[out of view] Whore. Slut. Slut.
	Bebe's house, after school. She's looking out over the neighborhood from her bedroom window, looking sad. Her mother stops by her door and looks in.
Mrs. Stevens	Bebe, is something the matter?
Bebe	[turns and faces her mom] Oh Mom, it's just... My girlfriends at school said some really mean things to me today. [faces the window again and rests her head on her right hand] They called me a "slut with a huge gaping vagina".
Mrs. Stevens	[approaches] Oh, sweetie. You're all just growing up. [begins to stroke Bebe's hair] Part of being a woman is having a friend one day and calling her a slut the next.
Bebe	But am I slutty just because I'm starting to be friends with guys? I mean, they just like me because they think I'm smart and cool.
Mrs. Stevens	I remember when I was a little girl the boys didn't think I was very smart at all. But then one day, they all started thinking I was really smart. I guess big smarts just run in our family.
Bebe	Well if the girls don't wanna be my friends, that's fine! [rests her head on her hands] Guys are way cooler, anyways.
	King Jimmy's Buffet, night. Stan, Kyle, and Cartman sit at a booth eating hamburgers and some side dishes.
Tweek	[arrives] You... guys wanted me to meet you here?
Cartman	Yeah, have a seat, Tweek. We all need to have a talk.
Tweek	[sits next to Cartman] Oh God.
Cartman	[offers Tweek his plate] Alright guys, now that we're all here, I think... we need to have a difficult conversation. It's obvious that Bebe is like the coolest, smartest, most awesome person we've ever met.
Stan, Kyle	True.
Stan	Yeah.
Kyle	Yep.
Cartman	And, you know, we've been trying to fill the gap for the fourth friend ever since Kenny died, God rest his soul, and it hasn't been an easy process.
Kyle	Right.
Stan	Uh huh.
Cartman	And so, even though I think it's a tough thing to do right now, I think maybe it's best for everyone if we make room to allow Bebe to be our new fourth friend.
Kyle	Yeah.
Stan	That would be best.
Cartman	Well, I'm glad you guys all agree. And so, Kyle, I just wanna say that it's been really great, and we're gonna miss you.
Kyle	Huh??
Stan	Kyle??
Cartman	And even though it didn't quite work out, I'm sure you'll find other friends down the road, Kyle. Here's a nice watch for you and some peanuts. [presents the watch and peanuts]
Kyle	Me?? Dude, I've been here since the beginning!
Cartman	And we're really sad to see you go. Let's give a big round of applause for Kyle, everybody. Hip hip.
Stan	Dude, we're not kicking Kyle out!
Cartman	Pleeeeease???
Stan	No!
Cartman	[removes the watch and peanuts] Alright, fine! So then, I guess we have no choice but to let you go, Tweek. But we want you to know that it's been really fun. Here's a watch and some peanuts. [presents the watch and peanuts again]
Kyle	No way! Tweek's cool!
Stan	Yeah!
Cartman	Well dumbasses, how are we gonna make room for Bebe!?
	Bus stop, next day. The answer is shown. Bebe stands between Kyle and Tweek, and Cartman is not present.
Bebe	Thanks for inviting me to ride the bus to school with you guys.
Stan	Sure thing, Bebe.
Cartman	[arrives] That's fine! That's fine!! [sticks up his middle finger] Fuck you, Kyle, and fuck you, Stan! [leaves, then returns, and sticks the middle finger up again] Fuck you, Tweek! [leaves, then returns] Bebe, you're still cool. [leaves again]
	South Park Elementary, hallway. Some boys - Clyde, Butters, Tolkien, Craig, and Pip - are putting up a large poster that reads "Bebe for President" next to the counselor's office. Wendy passes by and stops to look.
Wendy	What are you doing?!
Clyde	We're trying to get Bebe to run for class president.
Wendy	I'm class president! The vote was last fall!
Craig	Well, yeah, but Wendy, you have to admit, Bebe's a lot smarter and more organized than you.
Tolkien	[gushing] Yeah. We need a leader like Bebe. She can teach us all so much.
The Other Boys	Uh huh.
Wendy	She's not smarter and cooler than everyone, you guys are just drawn to something else! [the boys just look at her]
Clyde	What?
Wendy	Ugh! God, you guys are sooo stupid! [walks away in a funk]
Butters	[puts his fists on his hips] Stupider than Bebe!
Clyde	Yeah!
Craig	Yeah!
Butters	Huh Bebe's cool, huh. Huh, fellas?
Clyde	Yeah!
Butters	Yeah!
Craig	Sure is!
Butters	Uhyep!
	The neighborhood, after school. Stan, Kyle, and Tweek walk towards Bebe's house.
Kyle	I can't wait to watch Terrance & Phillip with Bebe.
Stan	Yeah. [they arrive, but find four other boys arriving at the same time: Timmy, Kevin, Bradley, and Francis] Where are you guys going?
Bradley	We're going to see our friend Bebe.
Stan	Bebe is our friend. Didn't you all get the memo?
Francis	Bebe is everybody's friend.
Kevin	Yeah. God put Bebe on earth to enrich everyone's lives.
Stan	[steps forward and grunts] Hoh!
Kyle	[steps forward and grunts] Hoh hoh hoh!
Kevin	Arf arf!
Francis	Arf! [a few more grunts are heard]
Timmy	Arf! Ah Timmah! Timmah-ar-argh!
Stan	Aw alright, I guess we can all watch Terrance & Phillip together. [goes and knocks on the door]
Mrs. Stevens	Oh, hello, boys.
Kyle	Is Bebe home?
Mrs. Stevens	No, she's with one of her little friends. But she should be back shortly if you boys wanna wait.
Bradley	Who is she with?
Mrs. Stevens	I believe she is playing "Lambs" over at Eric Cartman's house.
Stan	Cartman's?
	Cartman's basement. He's at his hole again, and Bebe is sitting next to him. He has his basket, lotion, and rubber poodle ready to go.
Cartman	[holds up the poodle] See, and this is Precious.
Bebe	Precious?
Cartman	[squeezes the poodle] Bark bark bark. [sets the poodle aside] Okay, so then we put my mom's hand lotion in this little basket [puts the lotion in the basket] and lower it down to Polly Prissy Pants. [the basket descends]
Bebe	[watches the basket drop] Uh huh. [the basket stops once again in front of Polly Prissy Pants]
Cartman	Now you say, "It puts the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again."
Bebe	It puts the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again.
Cartman	Heheh, yeah.
Polly Prissy Pants	Mister, please let me out of here.
Cartman	Now say it again, louder.
Bebe	[louder] It puts the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again.
Cartman	Good. Now, now put the lotion back in the basket!
Polly Prissy Pants	My parents have money, Mister. They'll give you whatever you want. Please!
Cartman	Now, just yell "Put the lotion in the fucking basket!"
Bebe	Put the lotion in the basket!
Cartman	Put the lotion in the fucking basket! [pushes the rubber poodle into the hole] Oh no! Precious!
Polly Prissy Pants	I've got your dog, Mister. Let me out or I'm gonna kill it! [a door is heard opening and Kyle goes down the steps, followed by Stan, Kevin, Craig, Clyde, Butters, Francis, Tweek, Bradley, Tolkien, Pip, and Timmy]
Cartman	Now you say, "Don't you hurt my fuckin' dog!"
Bebe	Don't you hurt my fucking dog!
Cartman	You bitch, I'll cut your throat if- [stops when he hears Timmy's wheelchair and looks around]
Kyle	What the hell are you doing?
Cartman	We're playing "Lambs."
Kyle	[moves over to Bebe] Bebe, I thought we were going to watch Terrance & Phillip today.
Butters	[moves forward] Then we gotta work on your campaign.
Francis	[moves forward] Right, but first we have to go to the-
Stan	[jumps in front of Boy 2] Hoh! [the other boys begin to grunt and face each other]
Bebe	You guys, calm down!
	Tolkien tackles Bradley, Craig attacks Butters, Cartman punches Francis, Kyle attacks Kevin, Pip beats on Tweek, Bradley chases after Tolkien, and Francis tosses Cartman over his head. Stan goes after Pip, but Pip attacks first. Clyde goes after Tweek and sends him flying across the basement. Tolkien brings out a SuperBESTFriends lunchbox and throws it at Clyde. Clyde jumps out of the way and the lunchbox hits Timmy.
Timmy	Timmih!
	Clyde attacks Tolkien, but Tolkien punches him away, then jumps on him. Timmy runs over both of them. Tolkien jumps up and goes after Bradley again. Pip and Tweek fight again, and Stan comes flying in, taking Pip.
Bebe	This is insane!
	Cartman picks Tweek up and throws him off. Francis is thrown backwards towards Bebe, back first. Bebe steps aside, and Francis hits the wall.
Bebe	Stop it you guys, please!
	The map behind Bebe falls to the floor. Stan gets up, and Pip flies at him. Cartman and Bradley fight again. Kyle swings in from above on a hanging overhead light, landing on Cartman's back as Cartman fight Tweek. Tweek drops away, and Cartman has to wrestle Kyle. Bradley throws Tolkien into a fossil display case, and a femur falls out. Stan walks up and looks at Tolkien, then sees the femur. He picks it up and sees victory at hand. He starts beating everyone with the bone. He hits Clyde twice with it, and Clyde goes down. He then knocks out Kevin, then Cartman, then Kyle, then goes after the other boys.
Bebe	Oh boy, I never meant to cause all this trouble!
Stan	[atop a pile of boys] Hoh, hoh, hohhh! Hohhh! [he's knocked them all out and tossed them into a mound]
	Bebe's house, day. She's at her window again, looking at the neighborhood. The boys are all over her front lawn milling around.
Mrs. Stevens	Bebe, those boys from your school are still waiting outside to see if you'll come out.
Bebe	I know. They've been there all day. [Outside, Tolkien messes with a trash can. Cartman notices and walks over, pushing the trash can down. Stan plays with a rock on the steps. Craig inches his way towards Stan, who watches him from time to time, and Francis is up a tree.]
Stan	Hoh, hoh hoh hoh!
Craig	Hah hah hahah hah! [the other boys turn and start grunting. Stan chases Craig away from the steps, then returns to sitting there.]
Stan	Hoh hoh hoh! [picks up his rock and plays with it] Hohohoh hoh!
Mrs. Stevens	Looks like my little girl has a lot of gentlemen callers.
Bebe	Mom, why is everyone acting so different around me?
Mrs. Stevens	Sweetie, you're just blossoming into a woman.
Bebe	But, I, I don't know if I want to. Sometimes I think I'm not as smart and cool as they say, that everyone just tells me I am because of my hooters.
Mrs. Stevens	Sweetie, you're a Stevens. And Stevens women are always told they're really, really smart. [gives her a hug and then leaves]
Bebe	Mom? [her mom stops and turns around] What's six times eight?
Mrs. Stevens	Oho, sweetie, those are two completely different numbers. [satisfied, she turns around and walks out and downstairs. She opens the front door and the boys back away grunting] Alright boys, time to be getting home. Bebe's not feeling well and she can't come out today. Go on, shoo. [the boys walk away slowly, grunting in disappointment. A whistling sound is heard and a space shuttle crashes into a field across the street. The boys stop at the sight.]
Stan	Hoh. Hoh?
Astronaut 1	Aah. We made it.
Astronaut 2	Boys, can you call 9-1-1 for us? [the boys start to grunt again. Stan backs up into the crowd of boys]
Astronaut 1	Oh my God. We've landed on Earth thousands of years in the future and apes have taken over!
Astronaut 2	I knew it! You blew it up, didn't you?!
Astronaut 1	I don't want to live in this futuristic madness! [pulls out a gun, shoots himself in the head, and falls down dead.]
Astronaut 2	Take your ape rule and go to hell! [pulls out a gun, shoots himself in the head, and falls down dead.]
Bebe	[sighs] Having boobs sucks.
	Hell's Pass Hospital, later. A man walks in and goes to his desk.
Dr. Hallis	Well hello there, little girl. My name is Dr. Hallis. What can I do for you today? [sits at his desk]
Bebe	I wanna have breast-reduction surgery. [the doctor leans forwards and visually inspects Bebe's chest]
Dr. Hallis	You?
Bebe	Yes. I have two hundred and twelve dollars in nickels and a gold bracelet.
Dr. Hallis	Well, young lady, I'm afraid that we don't offer breast reduction surgery to girls of your age.
Bebe	Why not? Britney Spears got fake ones when she was a teenager. Why can't I have mine taken off?
Dr. Hallis	Because making breasts larger is a beautiful and wonderful thing. Making them smaller is... insane.
Bebe	I think it's insane to want them bigger.
Dr. Hallis	Why do you... hate your breasts so?
Bebe	Ever since I got these stupid things everyone treats me differently. I feel like I might be treated differently the rest of my life.
Dr. Hallis	Oh, come on now, that's just silly.
Blonde nurse	[nice shape, walks in with a folder] Here's the Anderson file, Doctor.
Dr. Hallis	[looks up, looks down and grins, then looks up again] Oh, awesome. Thank you so much, Jillian. That's great. Oh, God-damn. Thank you so much. [The nurse walks out. Bebe lowers her eyelids halfway]
Brunette nurse	[not as nicely shaped, walks in with a cup and plate] And here's the coffee you wanted, doctor.
Dr. Hallis	[quickly, subdued, looks askance] Yeah, whatever. Get out of here. [the nurse walks out, and he addresses Bebe again] Now, I was saying?
Bebe	Please, you have to help me. I think that if my breasts keep growing this way, boys will give me whatever I want.
Dr. Hallis	Yeah, so? That's great, isn't it?
Bebe	No it's not, because if I grow up getting everything I want, having things made easy for me because I have hot knockers, then I'm gonna grow up to be a lame person. If I'm handed everything in life, then my chances of becoming a lawyer or a marine biologist are zero.
Dr. Hallis	That may be true, but I'm afraid I just cannot ethically perform a breast-reduction surgery on an eight-year-old girl.
Bebe	Damnit!
Dr. Hallis	If, on the other hand, you'd like to make them a little bigger, I think now might be the right time to size up, hm?
Bebe	Oh, fuck off! [walks off in disgust]
	Stan's house, day. In the dining room Randy reads the paper. Sharon enters.
Sharon	Randy, could you have a talk with Stanley?
Randy	Why? What's the matter with him?
Sharon	It's just that, well, he's been acting a little different lately. [Randy looks. In the living room Stan has taken out his crayons and drawn some figures on the wall]
Stan	[disheveled, in his primal state] Aaaa-ta. [starts drawing another boob. The wall is covered with them, singly or in pairs. One stick-figure woman has a large pair] Aaaa-ta.
Sharon	He's been ignoring his homework, and, all of his friends. I can't figure out why.
Stan	[picks up a stick and moves it around] Aaaa-ta. Aaaa-ta.
Randy	Ohhh boy. Looks like he's starting to notice breasts.
Sharon	[relieved and proud] Oh yes. Our little Stanley is starting to become a man. [Randy leaves his seat at the table and approaches Stan]
Stan	[points to the wall with his stick] Ahta. Ah, ahta!
Randy	Hey there, son.
Stan	[turns to face his father] Hoh? Ahta. [points to the wall] Ahta.
Randy	Yes, ahta. Let's have a talk, Stan.
Stan	Ahta.
Randy	Stan, as you get older, boobs - bu-these "ahta" will start becoming a major part of your life.
Stan	Ahta? [Sharon walks behind Randy and sits on one of the sofa's arms]
Randy	But Stanley, you can't let them get in the way of your friends. There are a lot of boobs out there, son. But they're just boobs; your friends... are forever.
Stan	[considers each argument] Friends. Ahta.
Randy	I know you think this set of boobs is important now, but those boobs will be replaced by another set of boobs. Boobs will come and go, and then, someday, [places his left hand on Sharon's right shoulder. She smiles] you'll meet a pair of boobs that you want to marry. And those become the boobs that matter the most.
Sharon	[putting her right arm around Randy] I love you.
Randy	If you can just understand that, Stanley, you'll see that boobs hold no real power at all.
	Bebe's house, night. The house is dark, so she's asleep. The camera zooms in on her, and her breasts start to blink under her gown.
Right breast	The boys are at war. All is going as planned.
Left breast	Yes. Soon all the boys will be brought to their knees.
Right breast	We grow larger every day.
Left breast	And stronger.
Right breast	Soon the entire tow- [Bebe awakens]
Left breast	Sh! Sh! She's awake!
Right breast	Ah, quiet.
Bebe	[shrieks and kicks her blanket off] MOM!! MOM!!
Mrs. Stevens	[rushes to Bebe's room and enters] What is it, Bebe?
Bebe	[scared] My breasts!
Mrs. Stevens	[approaches the bed, sits, and holds her] Oh, sweetheart, you're just becoming a young lady.
Bebe	No, they're conspiring! Mom, they were talking! They wanna destroy the town!
Mrs. Stevens	[beat] Yes, darling, your breasts have a power that will unleash itself as you get older. They feed off the misery of boys and grow to bring woe wherever they can. You're blossoming into a woman. [hugs her]
Bebe	That does it! I'm NOT letting these things run my life!
	Hell's Pass Hospital, day. Dr. Hallis walks in with a file and quickly addresses his prospective client.
Dr. Hallis	Young lady, are you absolutely sure you want to consider this kind of procedure for your breasts?
Wendy	Yes! I want to get breast implants!
Mrs. Testaburger	I tried to tell her she was too young.
Dr. Hallis	Well, it is a different time, Mrs. Testaburger. Society puts a lot of pressure on your daughter to look her best. Having small breasts can make her feel unimportant.
Mrs. Testaburger	[considers the doctor's argument...] But she's eight!
Dr. Hallis	Yes, well, not too young to feel flat and therefore, not pretty.
Wendy	That's what I said.
Dr. Hallis	However, young lady, I'm afraid breast implants are not for everyone. [takes out a notepad] I'll need to carefully assess your physical and mental condition to see if augmentation is truly the best way for you to go.
Wendy	I have three thousand dollars, cash. [her mom blanches]
Dr. Hallis	[quickly disposes of the pad and pen, then rises and leaves the desk] You pass. Let's do this thing.
Mrs. Testaburger	[mortified] Oh, wait. You're gonna do it right now?
Dr. Hallis	Suuure. Breast augmentation is now a very simple procedure. [holds Wendy's right arm up and points to the armpit] What we do is make a small incision in the armpit where it won't be seen. Then we take this little plastic bag and gently place it in the chest where we fill it with salt water.
Mrs. Testaburger	I still don't know about this.
Dr. Hallis	Look. Us plastic surgeons have one philosophy. If we can help someone's self-esteem a little, then why not do it if they have three thousand dollars?
	Operating room, moments later. Wendy is hooked up and sedated. The first incision is made to the left armpit and the flesh pulled back hard. The nurse hands the doctor the first implant, which he shoves in Wendy's chest.
Dr. Hallis	[shove] Cha! [shove] Gotta! [shove] Jam it! [shove] Up there! [shove] Get! [shove] In! [shove] There! [shove] You! [shove] Bitch! [shoves faster] Get! [shove] In! [shove] There! [shove] You! [shove] Bitch! [the implant is finally in place; everything is covered in blood] Hah! [wipes his brow] Okay, there's one, Wendy. Doing great.
	South Park Elementary, day. Mr. Mackey is back teaching the class. The kids are at their seats. The boys are being apes, and the girls look scared.
Mr. Mackey	M'kay. Kids, we need to talk about your failing grades.
Clyde	[in primal mode] Bebe! Where Bebe?! Bebe! Bebe! [he and a few others grunt a bit]
Mr. Mackey	M'kay, we all need to start studying more and fighting less, m'kay? [the grunts start up again]
Bradley	Bebe! [more grunts.]
Stan	Ahta! [more grunts. Bebe enters wearing a cardboard box over her clothes. The boys quiet down.]
Bebe	Hey guys. [a few boys grunt back with "Hi!!" "Hey." "Hm." as she heads for her seat. The boys are confused.]
Craig	Have you guys noticed that Bebe isn't as cool as she used to be? [Bebe smiles at her uncoolness]
Tolkien	Yeah. What the hell happened to us?
Stan	Oh my God. I get it now. It was Bebe's boobs.
Cartman	Bebe's boobs?
Bebe	Oh cool! It worked!
Stan	Don't you guys see? Boobs... do something to our brains. They fill our brains with illusions.
Kyle	Sssss-so ...Bebe ...didn't become smart and cool? It was just her boobs?
Bebe	Yes!
Cartman	So, Bebe is actually just as lame as she ever was?
Bebe	Right. My boobs just clouded your judgment.
Kyle	But that sucks. I don't want something to have that much power over me.
Stan	I don't think it will, you guys, as long as we realize it. We must learn to control their power over us.
Clyde	Yeah. Screw boobs! They're stupid!
Craig	I'm sorry for fighting, you guys. [all the boys leave their seats and start apologizing to each other, hugging each other]
Mr. Mackey	[moved by this display of affection] Aw, that's so sweet, m'kay?
Clyde	Let's never let boobs come between us again!
The Boys	Hear Hear!
Kyle	Boobs are stupid!
Wendy	[enters with her new, ample implants] Hi, everybody. [the boys look at her for a long while, then start laughing heartily. Wendy is stunned at the response]
Clyde	Look at those ridiculous things!
Butters	[steps up and touches the left breast] Oooo, they're all hard and oogey!
Cartman	What a stupid bitch! [the boys start laughing again. Butters is laughing hard and Wendy is horrified.]
End of Bebe's Boobs Destroy Society