The Snuke/Script

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"Lice Capades/Script"

"The Snuke/Script"

"Fantastic Easter Special/Script"

Cast

• Stan Marsh
• Kyle Broflovski
• Eric Cartman
• Butters Stotch
• Mrs. Garrison
• Principal Victoria
• Mayor McDaniels
• Officer Barbrady
• Police Officer
• Baahir Hassan Abdul Hakeem
• Mr. Hakeem
• Mrs. Hakeem
• Hillary Clinton
• Clinton's aides
• Brian Jeffries
• Otis
• Driver
• CIA agents
• ATF leader
• George W. Bush
• Chase
• Chris
• EOD leader
• FBI leader
• Female agents
• Female aides
• Head agent
• Hildog fan
• CIA leader, Mr. Thompson
• Frank Waters
• Nelson
• CIA leader 2
• CIA vice head
• Secret Service leader
• Vladimir Stolfsky and other terrorists
• Queen Elizabeth II
• Captain
• Soldier

Script

The Snuke
	South Park Elementary, morning. The school bell rings and the kids rush in to sit down. Mrs. Garrison enters the classroom.
Mrs. Garrison	All right, students, let's take our seats. Everyone try to be nice because we have a new student joining us today, and I know you'll all make him feel welcome. Say hello to... Baahir Hassan Abdul Hakeem.
Cartman	Uh oh! [Kyle's seat is empty, and he fears the worst]
Mrs. Garrison	Welcome to our class, Baahir.
Baahir	Thank you.
Cartman	Duhude, dude, [throws out his arms, palms out] not cool!
Mrs. Garrison	Why don't you take a seat in Kyle's empty desk for now?
Baahir	Okay. [goes to Kyle's seat. Cartman begins crawling out of his, away from Baahir]
Cartman	Oooh hooohoho. Nooo, noohoohoo.
Mrs. Garrison	[stopping him. What follows is in hushed tones] Eric, what the hell is wrong with you?!
Cartman	What's wrong? [looks at Baahir, who's looking back at him, then looks back at Mrs. Garrison and takes her aside] Has he been checked for bombs?
Mrs. Garrison	Eric, that's enough! Not all Muslim people are terrorists!
Cartman	No, but most of them are. And all it takes is most of them.
	The school playground, recess. There are several kids waiting at the slide, Butters takes his turn.
Butters	[slides down gleefully] Now you go, Baahir. [Baahir climbs the ladder steps and slides down. Butters cheers him on. Cartman shows up and looks at them. Baahir dusts himself off. Cartman turns and walks away, then places a call on his cell phone]
	Kyle's bedroom, day. Kyle is still in bed, his window curtains drawn shut. There's lots of little tissues on his bed and surrounding floor with two plates on the floor next to the bed. His cordless phone is on the covers. It rings, he picks up
Kyle	[sniffs - he has a stuffy nose] Yeah?
Cartman	[hushed] Kyle, are you on your computer?
Kyle	What? No, I'm sick. [sniffs]
Cartman	Get online. I need you to check something for me.
Kyle	Dude, leave me alone.
Cartman	Kyle, every one of our friends might be in serious danger!
Kyle	[sits right up] What? Why?
Cartman	Get online now!
Kyle	All right, all right. [leaves his bed and goes to his computer, sits down and starts clicking]
Cartman	Go to MySpace. [enters the school building] See if there's a MySpace page for a Baahir Hakeem.
Kyle	[types a search term at MySpace] Baahir Hakeem. [Baahir's page pops up] Born in Chicago, eight years old, his favorite color is green... Car, Cartman, what is this all about?
Cartman	[begins walking down the hallway] Kyle, I want you to check his buddy list. How many MySpace friends does he have?
Kyle	Over a hundred.
Cartman	[walks further along] Look further down the page. Does he list his favorite band?
Kyle	White Stripes
Cartman	[stops suddenly] That's funny.
Kyle	What?
Cartman	He told everyone in class today his favorite band was Blink 182.
	A ticking clock: 11:59:57... 11:59:58... 11:59:59... 12:00:00... Darkness. The following text appears onscreen, then disappears after Cartman finishes speaking.
Cartman	[voiceover] The following takes place between Recess and Geography class.
	South Park Police Station, day, Officer Barbrady's desk. A hovering camera looks at a ringing phone. Officer Barbrady answers.
Barbrady	Hello?
Cartman	[entering the boys' restroom, still in hushed tones] Officer Barbrady, South Park Elementary is in serious danger! [checks the toilet stalls on all fours]
Barbrady	From what? Who is this?
Cartman	I've just ID'd a Muslim and his MySpace page does not check out. You've got to get these people out of here now!
Barbrady	Are you serious?
Cartman	If I wasn't serious, would I be talking like this?
Barbrady	Like what?
Cartman	Whispering, but whispering really loudly for dramatic effect.
Barbrady	Oh jeez.
	South Park Elementary, Mrs. Garrison's class, later. Mrs. Garrison moves on to History, but the school bell goes off as a fire drill.
Mrs. Garrison	What the hell?
Principal Victoria	[over the PA system] All students are to evacuate the school immediately! [Baahir looks around]
	The front of South Park Elementary, later. The kids pour out happily.
Butters	Hey, Baahir, uh since we get to go home, you wanna come over uh, play checkers?
Baahir	Sure, okay. [12:02:32 pops up on screen and ticks the seconds away.]
Butters	Well all right! [they walk off together]
Kyle	Dude. [sniffs and calls Cartman. The LED readout vanishes]
Cartman	[exits the building through a side door and answers the call] Yeah. [walks among various trash cans and bins]
Kyle	Dude, I just got an IM from Stan that they evacuated the school.
Cartman	Yeah. Now do you believe me that somethin' is goin' on?!
Kyle	I guess so.
Cartman	Yeah well I don't like it! It doesn't follow!
Kyle	Wuh what doesn't follow?
Cartman	Why would a terrorist just blow up a school? It's not their M.O. Unless... Oh my God! Unless this was all just a big diversion. [starts running] Kyle, I need you to Google-search the South Park Chamber of Commerce!
Kyle	Okay.
Cartman	Their Web site should have a calendar of events: is there anything big going on in town today?!
Kyle	[looks up the info as Cartman talks] Yeah. Actually, there is.
Cartman	[stops] What?
Kyle	There's a Hillary Clinton campaign rally. [Cartman stays silent] Cartman? ...Cartman? [Cartman has turned off his phone and runs out of school]
	Central Intelligence Agency, day. An agent takes a call and-
Agent	Sir! There's somebody calling in saying there's going to be a terrorist attack on the Hillary Clinton rally today.
Head agent	What? [takes the call] This is CIA head, Alan Thompson.
Cartman	Mr. Thompson, you have to call off the Clinton rally! There's a terrorist in South Park!
Mr. Thompson	What do you know?
Cartman	He just showed up out of the blue! I need to speak with the President right away!
Mr. Thompson	I'm the head of the CIA! You can tell me!
Cartman	I said I will only talk to the President!
Mr. Thompson	Look, if you have information of a threat, you could-
Cartman	LALALALALALALALA!
Mr. Thompson	I will have you arrested for-!
Cartman	LALALA-I can't hear you! Only the President! LALALALALALA!
	The Oval Office, 12:04:27 South Park time. The LED readout ticks away, the ominous echo follows.
Aide	Call is coming through now, Mr. President.
Bush	Hello?
Cartman	President Bush, this is Eric Cartman! Are we on a secure line?
Bush	Huh? Who.
Cartman	Look, I know you're not the biggest Hildog fan, but she is in great danger right now!
Bush	Hildog?
	A motorcade in South Park, day. The American flag waving from a pole on the hood indicates Secret Service protection.
Aide	Yes, I understand. I'll let Ms. Clinton know.
Hillary	What is it, Brian?
Brian	Ms. Clinton, we just received word of a possible terrorist attack on your rally today.
Hillary	Is the thread credible?
Brian	We aren't sure, but... perhaps it's best we call it off. [behind him, the rally gets closer and closer]
Hillary	No. No, I will not be bullied by terrorist threats. Your men do a good job, Brian. I have faith that any thread will be taken care of accordingly.
Driver	We've reached the rally site, Hildog.
	The rally site, downtown South Park.
Aide 2	Don't worry, Mrs. Clinton, I'm sure everything will be fine.
Hillary	Thank you, Chris. [leaves with Brian and a third aide. The driver walks off in the opposite direction, and Chris whips out a cell phone. He walks forward and calls someone]
Chris	They know about the bomb!
Blond Russian	That is impossible! We took every measure to assure the bomb was hidden from sight.
Chris	Well somebody tipped off the CIA. I don't know how much they know, but security has been heightened.
Blond Russian	That bomb must travel with the Clinton rally to Boston!
Chris	The bomb won't make it to Boston now! With the heightened security, it's only a matter of time before they find it!
Blonde Russian	Then we have no choice. We have to move up the attack.
Chris	I understand, comrade.
Blonde Russian	Prepare yourself. We detonate the bomb... within the hour.
	12:17:56. Time keeps on ticking, ticking, ticking... Kyle is still at home, Cartman roams the rally.
Cartman	Kyle, I'm at the Clinton rally site, but there's no sign of that kid!
Kyle	So then maybe you're wrong.
Cartman	Nope, I'm not wrong. He must be somehow attacking remotely from his house. Did you find the address?
Kyle	Yeah. I cross-referenced his MySpace page with realtor.com. His parents moved into that green house on Janice Street.
Cartman	Jesus, that's on the other side of town. All right, Kyle, I'm going to take a picture with my camera phone and upload it to you. You ready?
Kyle	Yeah. [Cartman giggles and sticks the phone down his pants, in front of his genitals. He takes the picture and sends it to Kyle. Kyle receives it on his computer] What is that?
Cartman	It's my balls! [laughs as Kyle just looks at the image]
Kyle	God damn it Cartman!
Cartman	[his laugh dies down, then] Okay. Okay, Kyle, let's stay focused here.
Mayor McDaniels	People of South Park, it is my honor to introduce a woman who deserves nothing but respect. Mrs. Hillary Rodham Clinton! [the crowd cheers and holds up pro-Hillary signs: "Hildog", "In Hildog We Trust", "Hildog, we love you!", "Hildog #1 fan", "South Park Wants Hildog!!", "Hildog '08", "We Love You"]
Hillary	[affecting a Southern accent] It is so nice to be back in a small town like the one I came from. [more cheers for her]
Hildog Fan	Here we go! [his friends don dog-headed helmets and start barking.]
Brian	Otis Green, anything on that bomb threat? ["You know, when I start my life in office, quite a few changes have to be made!"]
Otis	We have the bomb-sniffing pig going through the crowd. If there is a bomb, the pig will find it. [the third aide has the pig on a leash, letting it roam as it will]
Hillary	This is why I campaign in small towns like these! Because it is in towns like South Park that you find the true America! [more cheers go up as aide and pig move around]
Aide 3	Oh my God, she got a scent! [the pig walks faster]
Brian	What?!
Aide 3	The pig is picking up the smell of nuclear residue. Terrorists have hidden a bomb!
Brian	[getting nervous] Oh my God! Where?! Where could they have stashed it?!
Aide 3	Come on, find it. Find! [the pig leads him up the steps to the stage]
Brian	My God, they hid it under the stage?!
Female aide	No wait, look. [the pig approaches Hillary and really wants to get at that bomb]
Hillary	How much money do we have to waste on needless spendin' when we should be focusing all our attention on... uh... [the pig buries its snout in Hillary's ass] on the education of all- Woo haha, whoa there, girl. Haha, [puts some distance between herself and the pig, but the pig won't back off] uh, uh, on the education of all children. [the pig tries the groin this time] Oh, I declare!
Otis	Oh my God. Do you think they could have hidden a nuclear device up Mrs. Clinton's...
	CIA Headquarters. An agent comes up to Mr. Thompson with a report.
Agent	Mr. Thompson, the kid who called in the warning was right! We uncovered intel that terrorists have obtained a nuclear device, and that they have most likely hidden it in Mrs. Clinton's... well, in her...
Mr. Thompson	In her what?
Agent	In her snatch, sir.
Mr. Thompson	What?!
	Back at the rally, later. Brian observes as two paramedics seat Hillary down on a gurney.
Hillary	What is goin' on? I wasn't finished.
Brian	Security measure, Mrs. Clinton. Probably nothing. [receives a call and answers it] Yes.
	A CIA helicopter on its way to South Park, day.
Mr. Thompson	Mr. Jeffries, this is Alan Thompson with the CIA. We have reason to believe that Mrs. Clinton may have a nuclear device up her snatch.
Brian	A what?!
Mr. Thompson	A snatch. It's the technical term for vagina.
Brian	No, I mean what kind of nuclear device?!
	A diagram of a bomb inside a woman's uterus. Zoom out to reveal CIA headquarters
Mr. Waters	Mr. Jeffries, this is Frank Waters. It's a suitcase nuke, designed to fit in a woman's snizz. It's called a snuke.
	Back at the rally, later. Brian walks up to Hillary.
Hillary	What is goin' on, Brian?
Brian	Ms. Clinton, it appears that terrorists have snuck a snuke up your snizz.
Hillary	[fans herself in a Southern fashion] Oh my.
Brian	What do we do? Can we disable the timer?
Mr. Thompson	It won't have a timer. Snukes are detonated remotely. Whoever our terrorist is has a detonator with him.
Brian	But then that means...
Mr. Thompson	Yes. If we don't find that detonator, everyone in the town of South Park is going to die. For-ever.
	12:28:38 and counting. Four images come up: Hillary on the gurney, Kyle at his computer, Butters and Baahir playing checkers in Butters' living room, and the CIA landing in South Park
Mr. Thompson	Do we have that phone trace?
CIA vice head	[hands him the phone] The call is going through now, sir.
Cartman	[gets the call] Yeah? [walks through a parking lot]
Mr. Thompson	This is CIA head Alan Thompson. We spoke before about the- [he and his agents walk down the street. Two angles are shown of that, and a third image of Cartman walking through the lot]
Cartman	Yes, Mr. Thompson?
Mr. Thompson	Well, we've just arrived in your town.
Cartman	Why? Did you find something?
Mr. Thompson	Yes. There's a suitcase nuke in Ms. Clinton's snizz.
Cartman	[stops] A snuke?
Mr. Thompson	That's right. It's controlled by a remote detonator. We have to locate the terrorist before he sets it off.
Cartman	[walks again] I have the address of the house the terrorist moved into. I'm almost there now; where are you?
Mr. Thompson	We're on the town's main street, right by an ice cream shop.
Cartman	Oh dude, I'm, I'm right next to you. [the framing for the two scenes is removed to reveal the one image of Cartman standing next to the CIA agents. They look at each other]
Mr. Thompson	Oh, hey.
	Kyle's room, day. Kyle is still at his computer when Stan walks in.
Stan	Dude, we totally got let out of school.
Kyle	I know. Something big is going on. Take a look at this. I did a Google search for "Hillary Clinton Campaign Rally" right? And one of the links was to YouTube, where this Russian guy had a bunch of videos.
Stan	Russian?
Kyle	Yeah, this guy. [a YouTube profile page is shown] Vladimir Stolfsky. He had videos on YouTube of every single rally.
Stan	So he's a Hillary Clinton fan.
Kyle	No. I cross-referenced his YouTube profile with MySpace, and according to his blog, he's an old-school Communist. So what's he doing at every Clinton rally?
Stan	Do a WebCrawler search: maybe he has podcasts up somewhere.
Kyle	Oh that's a good idea. [does the search]
	The Hakeem house, later. Police, SWAT, and CIA move in on the house and arrest Baahir's parents.
Mr. Hakeem	What is going on? What have we done?
Mr. Thompson	They claim they don't know anything about an attack.
Cartman	Big surprise!
Police officer	Sir, first pass of the house, we didn't find a snuke detonator anywhere.
Mr. Thompson	Mr. Hakeem, where is your son?
Mr. Hakeem	We thought he was at school. He's not at school?
	A clinic nearby. Hillary is up on stirrups while some police and agents look at an X-ray of her abdomen and groin.
Brian	You're doing great, Ms. Clinton.
Hillary	Do they know how long, Brian? How long before the snuke in my snizz goes off?
Brian	They'll find the detonator, Hildog.
Aide 3	We can't wait for them to find the detonator. If we can get to the bomb, me-maybe we can deactivate it. Can't somebody go and take a look inside Mrs. Clinton's snizz?
EOD leader	[part of the bomb squad] I'm not sending any of my men in there.
Chris	Are you almost ready to set off the bomb?
Vladimir	Everything is set. We have the detonator up and running. [the detonator is shown with its LED readout: 12:34:10... 12:34:11... 12:34:12... 12:34:13... ]
	An interrogation room. A CIA agent grills Mr. Hakeem, with a female agent as witness.
Agent 2	Mr. Hakeem, we need to know where your son is!
Mr. Hakeem	I tell you, I do not know.
Agent 2	[sighs, then leaves the room with the female agent and enters the adjoining control room, where Mr. Thompson is waiting] This is getting us nowhere. If he knows anything, he's not saying.
Cartman	Let me have time with him.
Female agent	What are you going to do?
Cartman	We have to find that detonator! Let me have time with him! [removes his cap and goes in] You will tell me where your son is!
Mr. Hakeem	He should be at school! [Cartman walks off and brings back a stool, setting it against Mr. Hakeem's chair. He climbs up and stands on the stool, drops his pants, and starts farting.] Hey!
Cartman	[farts] Where is the detonator?!
Mr. Hakeem	Wuh-what detonator are you ta-
Cartman	[farts some more, and again, and again] I can do this aaall day.
Mr. Hakeem	[coughs] I don't know anything about a- [Cartman farts a short one, and then a long one that makes Mr. Hakeem turn away] Aawwwwgh [holds his breath, gasps for air and coughs] Stop it! Really!
Cartman	You can make it stop!
Mr. Hakeem	[almost weeps] I don't have the- [Cartman farts for a long time, and the female agent turns away from the one-way window]
Female agent	Are we just gonna let this go on? [Cartman continues farting]
	Kyle's room, later.
Kyle	Okay, I got a text of the Russian guy's podcast. It's all a bunch of links to eBay.
Stan	You should be able to search his username on eBay and see what he's been buying and selling. [CIA agents enter the room quickly with their equipment]
CIA vice head	Ferris, set up over there. Two of you can take that bed area. [Stan steps down for a better look at the activity]
Kyle	Hey.
CIA vice head	Donner, take over that station. [points to Kyle. Donner walks over and shoves Kyle off his chair]
Kyle	[stands up] What's going on?
CIA vice head	This department is being absorbed by Homeland Security!
Kyle	...Homeland Security?
CIA vice head	Look, your little game of goin' over people's heads is over! You could still work, but from now on you answer to me, you got that?!
FBI leader	'Scuse me, who's in charge here?!
CIA vice head	I am!
FBI leader	[more people come in] Yeah well not anymore you're not. This department has just been assigned to the FBI.
CIA vice head	That's outrageous! On whose orders?!
FBI leader	On order of the Secretary of Defense! You had your shot, now I'm in charge!
ATF leader	[more people come in] Not anymore you're not! Orders just came down from Central! They want ATF handling this on all fronts! All right people, from now on you're answering to me!
Secret Service leader	[more people come in] Not anymore they're not! Orders from the President: he wants this handled by his staff personally! Now Nelson is in charge.
Nelson	[bursts into the scene] Not anymore I'm not! [everyone else falls silent]
	The interrogation room, later. Cartman walks in with a metal suitcase containing syringes. He takes one out
Mr. Hakeem	What are you going to do to my wife?!
Cartman	Nothing... if you tell me where your son is!
Mrs. Hakeem	We told you: we don't know.
Cartman	[whips around and shows them the syringe] Do you know what this is?! [they look at each other, unsure] This... is apple juice. It gives super bad farts. [injects himself with the syringe into the right arm and hops up on the stool next to Mrs. Hakeem]
Female agent	Did he just inject himself with apple juice?
Cartman	Where is your son?!
Mr. Hakeem	She doesn't know either. [Cartman turns and drops his pants, and farts on Mrs. Hakeem's face]
Mrs. Hakeem	Aaaaaaaah! Aaaaaaaah!
Mr. Hakeem	I mean it! Stop! That is disgusting! Where is your mother?! [a phone rings and the camera zooms in on Mrs. Hakeem's shirt pocket. Cartman turns and reaches into the pocket, pulling out the cell phone]
Cartman	Answer it! [holds the phone to Mrs. Hakeem's right ear]
Mrs. Hakeem	Hallo? Hallo Baahir. Where are you? Who it But-ters?
Cartman	Butters.
Mrs. Hakeem	Baahir, one of your classmates is keeping us hostage. [Cartman drops the phone and farts a good gust of flatulence against Mrs. Hakeem's face] Aaaaaaaah! Aaaaaaaah! [Cartman drops off the stool and enters the control room.]
Mr. Hakeem	Ogh! You filthy little rapscallion!
Cartman	We got him! I know where he is!
Female agent	All right, where? We'll send our people in.
Cartman	No no, he's my lead. [opens the suitcase]
Mr. Thompson	You're not going alone.
Cartman	You blow in there and you risk taking him down without finding the detonator! I'm going to find out where it is! [gives himself a double injection of apple juice]
	Kyle's room, later. The Secret Service is running the show now.
CIA leader 2	[white hair] All right, people, I'm in charge now and we will find the terrorists. Jarvis, I want you to check for any terrorist chatter on AOL. Marley and Greggs, try searching for nuclear devices on askjeeves.com.
Kyle	Ask Jeeves? Nobody uses Ask Jeeves! Just Google-search it!
CIA leader 2	Are you tellin' me how to do my job?
Kyle	Yes. There's a Russian guy named Vladimir Stolfsky who's got search engine hits all over this thing.
CIA leader 2	Chase, search the name Stolfsky on YouTube and cross-reference it with JDate!
Chase	Checking.
Stan	Look, these Russian guys all have blogs talking about this like it's just some big diversion for something much bigger!
Female agent 2	[with a stack of papers] Sir, these kids are right. We've just received intel that Russian terrorists are believed to be responsible for the threat.
CIA leader 2	Where's the intel from?
Female agent 2	We just read it on Drudge Report.
Kyle	Look, we already have the guy's blog. Maybe we can find an address and check it out on MapQuest.
CIA leader 2	We do this my way! I'm the one in charge!
Kyle	[he and Stan look at each other] ...Not anymore you're not.
CIA leader 2	Oh, snap. [walks off dejected]
	Butters' living room, day. He and Baahir are playing Checkers, and Butters looks like he's winning.
Butters	[makes his move] Whoopee! I captured another one of your pieces, Baahir. [outside, Cartman runs up to the window and crashes through it.]
Cartman	Uuugh! [lies motionless for a few seconds, then gets up]
Butters	Oh hey Eric.
Cartman	[walks up to Baahir and grabs him by the collar] Where is the detonator!
Baahir	The what?
Cartman	You have exactly five seconds before I start dropping serious apple juice farts on your face! One!
Baahir	Leave me alone! [heads for the front door and walks out. Cartman follows him] Upta!
Butters	[watches them leave] Hey, I was about to win!
	The sidewalk. Cartman chases Baahir down the street.
Cartman	Stop, terrorist, or I will shoot you! [A black van pulls up next to them and the side door slides open. Three real terrorists jump out and aim their semiautomatics at the two boys]
Terrorist #1	[olive-colored] Get in the van! [Both boys are scared, but Cartman backs away]
Cartman	Uh, that's cool. I'm actually not... playing anymore.
Terrorist #1	[they aim their guns at Cartman] Get in the van!
	The clinic.
Aide 3	That's it! We don't have a choice anymore! Somebody is going to have to go in, and try to disarm the snuke manually!
EOD leader	No, it's too dangerous! That snatch has not seen action in over 30 years! It could be toxic!
Brian	[overhearing it] I'll do it! I'll check out Ms. Clinton's snizz.
	The terrorists' hideout, 12:40:27 and counting. Vladimir has Cartman and Baahir tied up in chairs
Cartman	Let me go! Please! I am just a little boy!
Vladimir	You called and warned the government of our plans! What you don't know is that we are simply mercenaries! We were paid to set up the snuke so that the real enemy of America could attack!
Cartman	That's cool. I'm fine with Muslims invading.
Vladimir	[aims the semiautomatic at him] Do you really think Muslims are behind this terrorist threat?!
Cartman	Uhh yes, of course?
Vladimir	America had other enemies before the Muslims, you know. Who is America's oldest enemy?
Cartman	The Russians?
Vladimir	Before that.
Cartman	The Germans?
Vladimir	Before that.
Cartman	The Germans again?
Vladimir	Before that! I am talking about the oldest threat to America! The greatest enemy America has ever known!
Cartman	You can't possibly mean...?
	The ocean blue. A fleet of British ships is sailing towards the United States, but these ships are from another era. The men are dressed in uniforms of the Revolutionary War era - as Red Coats
Captain	Two hundred years we've waited. Finally. We will get those traitors to the Crown! [gets a call and answers it on his cell phone] Yes, Your Majesty?
Queen Elizabeth II	The Russians are ready to set off the diversion. Full sail.
Captain	Full sail, Your Majesty?
	12:43:57 and counting.
	12:47:18 and Hillary is back on stirrups (upper left picture). 12:47:19 and Kyle is back at his computer (upper right picture). 12:47:20 and Cartman is shown struggling in his seat (lower right picture). 12:47:21 and the British fleet is shown (lower left picture).
	The clinic. The aide, doctor, and other officials are behind protective glass in a booth. Brian is dressed in a Hazmat suit and gas mask
Aide 3	All right, Brian, this is it. Get in there and see if you can disarm the snuke in Ms. Clinton's snatch.
Brian	[diving in slowly, has radio communication with the booth] All right. I'm nearing her snizz now.
EOD leader	God help him.
Aide 3	What do you see, Brian?
Brian	It's dark... cold...
Aide 3	You're doing fine, Brian. Get as close as you can... Y-you have to look inside the snizz.
Brian	Uh, uh, all right, I'm looking. Yes, I see... I see the device! [begins to cough]
Aide 3	You're doin' great, Brian. Hang in there.
Brian	There's um, metal housing... some kind of three-pronged triggering mechanism that... Wait there's... there's something else here! There's something... [static fills the transmission and the aide tries to restore communication]
Aide 3	Say again, Brian.
Brian	[amid heavy static] There's something perched on the snuke's coil... Oh God, it's looking at me!
EOD leader	[takes control] Brian, get out of there!
Brian	Wha... what are you?! I have no qualm with you! Stay back! Stay back I- agh! Aaagh!
EOD leader	Brian? Brian, what's happening?
Brian	It's... eating my head! It's eating my head! [the camera zooms back to show his body gyrating helplessly, then being spit out by Mrs. Clinton's snizz]
Hillary	Hoh my!
	Kyle's bedroom. He's at his computer as agents discuss things behind him.
Kyle	I got it! I got it! According to PayPal, the Russian guys are just hired mercenaries who had ads up on Craig's List and got paid through eBay so that Boston could be attacked by... the British.
Female agent 2	The British?
Agent 4	Loyalist Red Coats!
Chase	Sir, I found the Russian's eHarmony account! It does list an address in South Park!
Kyle	All right! MapQuest the address!
Chase	I'll use Google Maps. It has live traffic.
Kyle	Good thinking
CIA leader 2	Sir, we have the terrorists' location. IM'ing you now.
	The terrorists' hideout.
Vladimir	[warmly shakes a terrorist's hand] It was good knowing you, comrade.
Baahir	Please. Think about what you are doing. The British are just using you; you're going to die.
Vladimir	Yes, but we will be rich.
Agent	[outside] Left flank, prig prang and clear! Go go go! [the doors to the hideout fly open and CIA agents pour in, with the CIA Vice Head supervising the riad]
Mr. Thompson	[last to enter, gun drawn] The game is over! Get down on the ground!
Vladimir	How did they find us?
Mr. Thompson	We know about everything! Your diversion to help the Red Coats is over!
Vladimir	It doesn't matter. The detonator is on a timer. You are too late! In three minutes! [the camera quickly moves to the detonator: 12:56:57 and counting. Four seconds later the power is shut off] What the hell?!
Agent	The power went out!
Mr. Thompson	Well so then what time is it? [the power returns and the detonator's timer is reset to a blinking 12:00:00]
Vladimir	Oh crap.
Mr. Thompson	Take 'em down! [the agents fire away. One after one, terrorists go down, dead. Vladimir climbs a wooden ladder to the hideout's roof]
Vladimir	No! I don't want to die without being paid! [an agent shoots him down, he hits the floor and blows up. CIA agents remove the ropes from Cartman and Baahir]
Mr. Thompson	[places a call] The detonator is secured, general. You are cleared to proceed.
	The ocean blue. The British fleet continues towards the United State. American jets fly over them and prepare to fire
Captain	The Rebel Americans know of our attack?!
Soldier	How?
Captain	Fire at will! [the soldiers quickly aim and fire. The bullets have no effect, as the jets simply unload their bombs on the ships and sink them.]
	The Royal Palace, the Queen's throne room. She's seated at her throne and gets a call. She gets the phone from one of her servants
Queen Elizabeth II	Yes?
Captain	Your Majesty, the attack has failed. We were... unable to end the American Revolution.
Queen Elizabeth II	I see. [sets the phone down, takes a loaded gun to her mouth, and shoots her brains out. She falls forward and hits the ground, dead.]
	South Park, at Long Road Shipping, the apparent hideout. Everyone stands in the street.
Mr. Thompson	[walking into view] Well, looks like we saved our country from British rule once again.
Kyle	Yeah. It just proves we need to learn not to profile one race of people. Because, actually, most of the world hates us.
Cartman	Well Baahir, I was thinking that maybe I owe you an apology.
Baahir	Really?
Cartman	Yes, but then I realized that, technically, I don't. Because by being suspicious of you I saved your life and everyone else's. So really, you owe me an apology. But that's cool.
Kyle	...You didn't save everyone, I did! You were just out harassing Muslims!
Cartman	But if I hadn't called you in the first place to check out the Muslim, you would have just stayed in bed sick all day, right?
Kyle	...Maybe. [looks away]
Cartman	Maybe? If I hadn't called you, you wouldn't have been on your computer checking out the Clinton rally. That means my intolerance of Muslims saved America.
Kyle	...That is so missing the point.
Cartman	Me being a bigot stopped a nuclear bomb from going off, yes or no?!
Kyle	The-that's not the right way to look at it, I-
Cartman	Yes or no, Kyle?!
Kyle	No! ...Not... not like you're saying.
Cartman	But that's all I'm saying: today, bigotry and racism saved the day. Baahir, you get this, right? [Baahir's parents approach, looking around at all the activity in front of their house]
Mr. Hakeem	Baahir! Get away from that disgusting child! Get back home and start packing your things! We are leaving this whole intolerant country! [Mr. Hakeem nudges Baahir forward, and the family leaves]
Butters	Awwwww.
Cartman	Okay. Who got rid of the Muslims, huh? [raises his own hand] That was all me. Simple thank you will suffice.
End of The Snuke