South Park: The End of Obesity/Script

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Cast

Script

South Park: The End of Obesity
Shot at South Park Medical Clinic is shown. Cartman is getting his blood pressure checked by the Doctor.
Cartman Ow. Ow! Ah, God!
Dr. Gauche I’m just taking your blood pressure, Eric.
Cartman It’s too tight. Stop! [The Doctor then takes off the Blood Pressure cuff]
Dr. Gauche Ms. Cartman, I’m extremely worried about your son’s health. His blood pressure, his cholesterol. I think it’s time for some drastic measures to bring down his weight.
Cartman [Cartman gets upset] Oh, God, here we go with this shit again.
Liane Doctor, we try to have Eric eat right and exercise, but it just doesn’t seem to work for him.
Dr. Gauche Well, there might be another answer. Have you heard of semaglutides?
Cartman [Looks at his mom confused] Semaglutides?
Dr. Gauche They’re the active ingredient in Ozempic, a drug originally made for people with diabetes but we’ve now discovered they can help obese people lose vast amounts of weight.
Cartman Really?
Dr. Gauche It's a whole new era of medicine. A miracle, really. [Walks towards Cartman Young man, how would you like to not be fat anymore?
Cartman Not be fat anymore? Me? Not fat anymore?
South Park Elementary. [Eric's fantasy]
Cartman Hey, guys! How’s it going? Good to see you guys!
Cartman Hey, Wendy, you wanna know something?
Wendy What?
Cartman You’re a dumb bitch!
Wendy Oh yeah?
Cartman Yeah, you’re a dumb bitch and you got saggy tits!
Wendy Oh yeah, Cartman? Well, you’re a... you’re a... ugh!
Cartman Haha, haha! Sweet!
Cartman [Encounters Kyle on the hallway] Oh hey! Hey, Kyle! Kyle, guess what? You’re a totally ugly ginger and your religion is fucking bullshit.
Kyle Oh yeah? Well, you’re a... you’re a... damn it!
Cartman Hahaha! Yeah! Awesome!
Pakistan [Eric's fantasy]
Cartman Hey, hello there, Pakistan! Your whole country is fucking dumb and it smells like ass. ‘Kay, Pakistan? Why don’t you get your shit together?
Pakistan People Boo!
Pakistan Person 1 Oh yeah? Well you are a normal person!
Pakistan Person 2 You are... very average looking!
Cartman Fuck yeah, dawg! This is fucking nice!
South Park Medical Clinic [End of Eric’s fantasy]
Cartman Wow, could this really happen? Doctor, is it really true I could not be fat?
Doctor It’s really true, young man.
Liane How much do these new drugs cost?
Doctor Well, they aren’t cheap. It’s about twelve hundred dollars a month.
Liane Oh, I don’t know if we can afford that.
Doctor Oh, alright. Welp, nevermind, Eric. Have a good day.
Cartman Nevermind? You can’t just tell me there’s a new miracle drug that will make me not fat anymore and then say fucking nevermind!
Doctor Insurance companies only cover the medication for diabetes, not for weight loss. So if you can’t afford them, you’re just kind of out of luck.
Cartman Doctor, please! I’ve been fat my whole life. I hate how I look. Please. There has to be something you can do.
Doctor Alright. I’m gonna write you a prescription for Lizzo.
Cartman Lizzo?
Doctor She’s a really good singer who talks about body positivity and just being happy with the way you look. I want you to listen to Lizzo five times a day and watch her videos just before bedtime. Oh, and I’m afraid you’ll have to be on Lizzo for the rest of your life.
Cartman No! Lizzo, no!
Shot at Tegridy Farms.
Randy Woah, woah, woah. Where are you going?
Shelley I’m going to school.
Randy Not looking like that you aren’t.
Shelley Not looking like what?
Randy We’ve talked about this, Shelley. You don’t go to school wearing shirts that show off your body like that.
Shelley All the girls at school dress like this, dad! Mom already said it’s okay.
Randy What?
Sharon It’s really just the fashion now, Randy.
Randy I don’t care if it’s the fashion! I don’t want my innocent little daughter going to school dressed like a cum whore! Go put on a different shirt.
Shelley No! I don’t have to. My body is not a distraction. It’s perfect and you can’t tell me what to do!
Randy You’re gonna get stared at all day. Little boys are perverts.
Shelley Mom already said I could wear it!
Randy "Mom already said I could wear it!” mockingly
Shelley You’re stupid! The school says girls can wear shirts like this, so I can do what I want!
Randy Okay, so maybe then I’ll wear whatever I want to school to come pick you up later!
Shelley Go ahead!
Randy Ugh!
Sharon She’s gonna be fine, Randy. She’s just growing up.
Randy Oh, she’s gonna be fine. Okay. Mark my words. If you walk around wearing a shirt that exposes your belly, you end up with a bad bunch of people doing a bunch of drugs. You'll see.
Shot at the outside of Tweek Bros.
Sharon Randy was really upset but I don’t know. I don’t see what the big deal is. Do you let Wendy wear crop tops to school?
Alexis Yeah, sometimes. I think it’s fine when girls wear ‘em. What I can’t stand is all the middle aged moms wearing them now because they’re on ozempic.
Sharon Who’s on ozempic?
Alexis Oh! Butters’s mom, Craig’s mom. A bunch of women use it to lose that last five pounds and show off their stomachs.
Laura Tucker and Brown-Haired Woman enter scene, holding coffees and facing the two.
Linda Stotch Oh, hey, guys. How’s it going? Just getting some coffee?
Alexis Hi, Linda! You’r... Uh... Looking good.
Linda Stotch Oh, yeah, you know, just working out a lot, doing Pilates and stuff.
Alexis Uh-huh, sure.
Sharon Kinda cold out, isn't it, Linda?
Linda Stotch Oh, no, I'm not cold. Not with all the running I'm doing lately to work on my core.
Laura Boy, it sure is chilly out this morning, huh?
Brown-Haired Woman *Chuckle* Yeah, I sure hope summer comes soon.
Alexis Yeah, uh, we, uh, we gotta get going. We'll see you guys around.
Laura Laura walks closer to LindaLinda, you look really good. Which obesity drugs are you taking?
Linda Stotch Drugs? I-I'm not taking any drugs. I'm just hiking and lifting weights.
Brown-Haired Woman Oh, Linda, you don't have to be shy with us. I'm using Ozempic and Laura's using Mounjaro. Come on, what are you on?
Linda Stotch Oh, well, the truth is, Ozempic gave me the shits so I switched to Zepbound.
Brown-Haired Woman Ooh, Zepbound's the same as Mounjaro, but you don't have to have the diabetes to get it, right?
Laura Yeah, I think Zepbound is the one Tweek's mom is doing.
Mrs. Tweak [Enters scene holding 2 cups of coffee in the air.] Who had half-caff venti chai latte?
Linda Stotch Oh, that's me!
Laura Listen, girls, we're doing the party at my house this afternoon, okay?
Mrs. Tweak Okay, sounds good.
Linda Stotch The-the party?
Mrs. Tweak Yeah, you know, the obesity drugs are so hard to get all the girls meet up and share drugs and talk about 'em. [Puts hand on Linda's shoulder] You got to come.
Linda Stotch Okay, I will! [Laughter]
Shot in South Park Elementary Playground, school bell rings.
Butters [Approaches Kyle] Hey, Kyle! Kyle, can you come talk to Eric for a minute? He's really upset!
Kyle Cartman's upset? So what?
Butters He's been crying all day and now he's just sittin' on the merry-go-round all by himself.
Cuts to Cartman, sitting alone on the merry-go-round, frowning and clearly upset. Kyle approaches Cartman.
Cartman [Sniffles]
Kyle What's wrong with you?
Cartman [Sniffles] Nothing.
Kyle Okay, Cartman, obviously something's wrong.
Cartman [Sniffles] I'm just fat. And I'm always gonna be fat. [sniffles]
Kyle Is this a trick?
Cartman I'm just... there's these new medications that can treat obesity, but my mom can't afford them. I'm-I'm just a poor, fat kid.
Butters Poor little fat kid.
Kyle Okay, Cartman, if your doctor wants to put you on medication, your insurance will pay for it.
Cartman No, they said the insurance won't pay for it 'cause, um, they're kind of new drugs, and so the only people that can get them are people who can pay 1,200 bucks a month and the rest of us get this. [Cartman pulls out a prescription that says "Lizzo"]
Kyle What's this?
Cartman It's a prescription for Lizzo. Rich people get Ozempic, poor people get body positivity.
Kyle They can't just give medication to rich people.
Cartman Well, that's what they're doing.
Kyle Well, did you talk to the insurance company? Did you file a claim? Let's go down there and talk to them.
Butters See? I knew Kyle could help.
Kyle When it comes to your health, you gotta be tough, dude. You got to have some fucking willpower, okay?
Cartman [Sniffles] Okay.
Shot in front of the school, where everyone is leaving. Randy drives in wearing Shelley's shirt.
Randy Oh, hey! Hey, Shelley! Over here, Shelley. [Shelley looks at Randy shocked] Yeah, right here. It's Dad! I'm here to pick you up!
Shelley [covering her head] Oh, my God.
Randy Oh, what? What's the problem, Shelley? Come on, sweetheart. Daddy's just here to get you!
Mrs. Tweak Tweek, come on, let's go, honey. Get your stuff. [Randy stares at her stomach] Oh, hey, Randy. Look at you.
Randy [Mesmerized] H-Huh?
Mrs. Tweak So, you're, uh, you're doing the thing, too, huh?
Randy Doing-doing what thing?
Mrs. Tweak Oh, come on, we can all be honest with each other. Those of us that can afford it have nothing to be ashamed of, right? You're, uh, you're into the drugs?
Randy Well, yeah, I'm into drugs.
Mrs. Tweak Yeah, me, too.
Randy Woah, really?
Mrs. Tweak Yeah, I love them.
Randy Well, I'm more into drugs than probably anyone in this town!
Mrs. Tweak Well, then, what are you doing? You got to come join the group!
Randy There's a group?
Mrs. Tweak Yeah, a bunch of the girls, we get together and talk about all the different drugs and where we can get 'em. They're way harder to get these days. At Laura Tucker's house tomorrow, lunch. Come hang with the girls and we can share drugs. [Mrs. Tweak walks away with Tweek.]
Shot at the Insurance Company. Kyle, Cartman, and Butters walk into the building.
Butters Wow, look at this place!
Man1 Well hello there! Looking to get some insurance?
Kyle No. My friend's mom already has insurance with your company.
Man1 Oh, great! You're here to pay your bill.
Kyle No, no, we're not here to give you money. We're here to file a claim for my friend's medication.
Man1 Oh, you want money from us. Right through that door over there.
Shot in a dimly lit room filled with tons of files, and a scrawny man sitting at a desk staring at the boys, with a printer whirring.
Insurance Claims Agent Hello.
Kyle We want to file a claim to get my friend's weight-loss drugs paid for.
Insurance Claims Agent Oh, okay.[The man turns to his typewriter and begins typing.]
Kyle Do you want to know his policy number or anything?
Insurance Claims Agent Let me... let me just speak with our medical director first. [The man picked up the phone, holding it not very closely to his ear, rotating the dial on the rotary a few times.] Yeah, yeah, okay. [The man puts down the phone] Sorry, but we don't pay for medicines for obesity because it's not a disease.
Kyle Who was that?
Insurance Claims Agent That was the medical director. The medical director decides what claims are valid for us to pay for.
Kyle But you didn't say who the patient was and what was wrong with him.
Insurance Claims Agent Right. The medical director's job is just to say no.
Kyle Look, my friend's mom has been paying you people for years, and his doctor says his weight is a medical concern and obesity is a disease; Oprah Winfrey says so!
Insurance Claims Agent Okay, okay calm down. Calm... down. I didn't realize I was dealing with someone who had so much determination. If you do a little more work, I think we can get your medications paid for.
Cartman W-We can?
Insurance Claims Agent Yeah, you see, the doctors and pharmaceutical companies and the insurance companies all kind of work together. So all you have to do is navigate the American health care system.
"Navigate the American Health Care System" begins playing, shot at Central Medical.
Nurse Lady1 Just fill out these forms. [song continues]
Doctor Lady I need to send you to Imaging.
Shot at Quest Imaging Center, song continues.
Nurse Lady2 Just fill out these forms.
Kyle I just... I just filled 'em out at the last place! [song continues]
Doctor Man I can't sign this for insurance. His original doctor needs to sign this.[song continues]
Shot at South Park Medical Clinic, song continues, scene changes to Insurance Company. Cuts to same dim room as before, the frail man is there again, printer whirring.
Insurance Claims Agent We need you to get a second opinion from a doctor who's in network.
Kyle [rolling his eyes] Ugh! [They all leave the room.]
Shot at Harbor Hospital, song continues
Nurse Lady1 We need these filled out and then faxed to your insurance company. [song continues]
Scene cuts to same dim room as previously, the frail man is there again, printer whirring.
Insurance Claims Agent We need confirmation from a different specialist.
Shot at Central Medical, song continues, then cuts to Kyle, Cartman, and Butters walking on Main Street in South Park.
Kyle [On the phone] No, we already talked to the insurance company. They were supposed to talk to you.
[Montage] Shot at South Park Medical Clinic, song continues, cuts to Harbor Hospital, then to the dim lit room of the Insurance Company, then to a boat in the Maldives, then to Central Medical, then to South Park Medical Clinic again, all according to song, then Butters gets lost, many complications in the scene now. Butters is now dressed as an astronaut floating in the complicated scene. The song abruptly ends.
Butters [Echoing] Hey, fellas, I think I'm lost in the American health care system! Fellas? Fellas?! Heeeelp!!
Shot at Tucker Residence.
Linda Stotch So my doctor says, "I don't think you really need these drugs, Mrs. Stotch. They're more for people with morbid obesity." I was like, "I have to be in a bikini on Wednesday, you can morbid obesity my ass!"
Linda Black I heard most doctors will still prescribe the ten milligram Zepbound shots.
Unnamed woman No, they're cracking down on those, too, because people with diabetes need it.
Laura [Doorbell rings, Laura answers door.]
Randy Hey!
Mrs. Tweak Oh, hey, Randy. Girls, Randy says he has a hookup on some really good shit.
Brown-Haired Woman Oh, wow, let me get some of that.
All [excited chatter]
Linda Stotch Welcome to the club, Randy. Which drugs are you on?
Randy Well, I'm on whatever. I brought a little, uh, appetizer for everybody.
Laura Everyone! Everyone, we have a little surprise for you all. So, Alexis Testaburger just decided to start taking the drugs. She went to Mexico and was able to get a 12-injection sample through customs.
Alexis [Walks in with an ice bucket filled with weight-loss injections.] Party time, guys! [Multiple of the women comment simultaneously]
Laura Here you go, Randy. [Hands him an injection drug]
Randy Oh, thanks, yeah. That's, uh, yeah, awesome.
Laura Is something wrong, Randy?
Randy No. No, I'm not a-scared.
Linda Stotch Well, go ahead, Randy. [All chanting] Randy! Randy! Randy! Randy!
Randy [He takes off the cover of the needle, and sticks the drug needle into his stomach.]
Mrs. Tweak Bravo! [All cheer]
Randy [Imagines all chanting his name, as "Cry Little Sister" plays.]
Shot at Tegridy Farms
Randy [Awakes, silently]
Sharon Oh, you're finally up. You got home late last night.
Randy Oh, uh, yeah. I was just out, uh, doing some hiking.
Sharon You were hiking at night?
Randy Yeah, I was hiking really a lot.
Sharon Well, here, I made you some bacon and eggs.
Randy Uh, no, thanks. I'm really not that hungry... [Exits out to the barn.]
Randy Towelie. Towelie, you're not gonna believe this. Dude, have you ever done GLP-1 peptides?
Towelie GLP pep what now?
Randy There's these new, crazy drugs people are doing. It's like cocaine and molly mixed together. They make women go crazy.
Towelie No, really?
Randy Yeah! Last night, I was partying with nine hot MILFS, and this morning I woke up, and guess what? I don't feel like total shit. It's like a miracle drug!
Towelie You partied all night and felt fine the next morning?
Randy Totally fine. There's, like, nothing wrong with me!
Towelie Wow. You want half a breakfast burrito?
Randy No, I'm good. I seriously thought maybe I couldn't do hard drugs anymore 'cause of all the downsides the next day, but this, like, changes everything. There's another rager at Mable Thompson's house tomorrow. I can't fuckin' wait!
Shot at Basketball Court.
Kyle Stan, Kenny, we need your help.
Stan Hey, where have you guys been?
Butters We've been out navigating the American health care system. I almost died!
Kyle It's so fucked up, you guys don't even understand.
Stan What's fucked up?
Kyle They just purposely make it difficult for people to pay for what they need. The insurance companies, the hospitals, and the drug companies, they're making obesity drugs more expensive in America than anywhere else in the world. There are celebrities and rich people using these drugs to lose a few extra pounds, and meanwhile, Cartman's fat as fuck and can't get any help.
Stan Dude, what do you want us to do about it?
Kenny Yeah.
Kyle I was watching a bunch of videos online. They show how you can order raw semaglutide from a factory in India and mix your own injections for next to nothing.
Stan You mean, like, we're gonna get powder from India, and make it into obesity shots for Cartman.. Ourselves?
Kyle Who needs hospitals and insurance... When we have TikTok and Youtube?
[Montage] First shot at Semaglutide Factory in India. "It's My Life What Ever I Wanna Do" plays. It cuts back to Butters, Kenny, and Stan in Walgreens. Then it cuts to Kyle, building something. Then it cuts to Cartman, looking at himself in the mirror. Then it cuts to Randy and the group of women, partying. Then it cuts to Butters taking the semaglutide out of the mailbox.
Butters The semiglutides are here!
[Montage continues], Kyle mixes chemicals together using a TikTok tutorial on his laptop. It cuts back to Randy partying with the women again, taking lots of weight-loss drugs. It cuts back to Kyle, still mixing chemicals, putting it into the contraption now. He turns it on and leaves the shed. [Montage ends.]
Shot at Tegridy Farms
Sharon Is something wrong with the food, Randy?
Randy No, no it was great.
Sharon You're done? You wanna just skip to dessert? I made your favorite pie.
Randy Ooh, pie? Yeah, maybe later.
Sharon Kids, can you leave the table so I can have a talk with your father?
Randy What? What'd I do? Don't leave.
Sharon Randy, I think I know what's going on.
Randy You do?
Sharon Yeah, you keep saying you're going to the gym and doing Pilates, but then you aren't eating anything..Are you doing those new drugs everyone's doing?
Randy What? Oh, my God. What? Sharon. I am not doing drugs.
Sharon Just be honest, Randy.
Randy Sharon, I smoke weed and drink beer. That's it. I can't believe you would.. Even.. Think I would... Sharon!
Sharon Then how are you not eating?
Randy What...? I ate! Just 'cause I don't eat as much as you. Just 'cause I'm doin' Pilates, working out and stuff. Sorry I don't eat as much as you do! I'm just tryin' to be better. Not on drugs. Why would you even suggest that I'm doing drugs? Are you drunk? [Randy exits the room.]
Sharon [Approaches herself in the mirror and examines herself and her figure.]
Randy *walks from porch and takes off his shirt, revealing shelley's shirt and smiling. He approaches the Tweek Residence, jubilant and cheerful.*
Mrs. Tweak Randy! Thank God! We have a big problem! There's no more drugs!
Randy ..No more drugs?
Mrs. Tweak Do you have any?!
Randy Well, no. I thought you guys had plenty...
Mrs. Tweak Shit!!! [walks into house] Randy doesn't have any either..!
All Oh no - No, no no no.. -Goddamn it
Linda Black We've been totally cut off!
Randy W-W-What, what happened?
Alexis There's been a nationwide crackdown because doctors are saying some people are abusing the drugs.
Randy Well, what else are you supposed to do with drugs?
Mrs. Tweak What are we gonna do?
Laura I know what we should do. Let's go knock off a pharmacy. They have plenty of drugs.
Linda Black Good idea!
All [Cheering]
Unnamed Woman I know for a fact the pharmacy on Tanner Street has a whole new supply.
Mrs. Tweak So we'll break in and take 'em!
All [Overlapping agreements]
Randy Uh, I think, ladies, we can get in a lot of trouble for doin' that.
Laura That's right! So we have to make sure nobody knows it's us.
Shot at Main St. Pharmacy.
Laura Nobody move! This is a holdup! Stay calm and nobody gets hurt.
Mrs. Tweak Keep your hands up.
Alexis This will all be over soon.
Linda Stotch [hands gun to Randy] Go make sure the back doors are locked.
Randy Ah... Oookay. God..
Pharmacist Oh, come on, Mrs. Tucker, Mrs. Neely, how many times do I have to tell you these drugs aren't meant for people like you.
Mrs. Neely How do you even know who we are?[holding a gun up to the Pharmacist]
Pharmacist Because you ladies can't help but expose your stomachs everywhere you go, no matter how inappropriate it is. [Mrs. Neely hits him on the head with the gun] Ah!
Mrs. Tweak Come on, get the drugs and let's get out of here!
Unnamed Woman [shoves a bunch of Ozempic into a duffel bag] That's all of it!
Laura All right, come on. Let's go.
All [overlapping, repeating words]
Randy [points to behind the counter] Hey, there's some OxyContin and Vicodin, should I grab that, too?
All [escaping]
Randy No? [runs toward the door, striking a pose before leaving.]
Shot at Broflovski Residence Shed.
Kyle All right, that should be good. Kill the switch. [Butters clicks a button]
Stan Okay, Kenny, bring over the injector. [Kenny grabs the injector and brings it over. Kyle hands him the capsule and he puts it in the injector.]
Cartman It's done?
Kyle It's done.. You know, Cartman, this could be dangerous. If you don't want to...
Cartman To hell with danger. This can change my life, Kyle. [He strips his robe off] Let's do it.
Kyle Kenny. [Kenny brings over the injection.]
Cartman [Holding the injection up to his stomach] Well... Here it goes, guys. [He injects the semaglutide into himself.]
Kyle Cartman?
Stan Do you feel anything?
Cartman I think so. Get me some Cocoa Puffs.
Stan What?
Cartman I need to make a cereal bomb. Get me Cocoa Puffs, Cap'n Crunch and a bucket of KFC. Hurry! [He mixes them all together]
Shot at Broflovski Residence.
Butters So what's going on?
Stan We don't know. Cartman's been in the bathroom with the bucket of cereal for almost 30 minutes.
Kyle Dude, Cartman, what are you doing? [Lock clicking. Cartman walks out with the cereal bucket.]
Cartman [he slowly places the bucket down] Look at this.
Kyle Look at what?
Cartman There's two chicken thighs in there.
Stan So?
Cartman "So?"? Do you know the last time I couldn't finish a cereal bomb? I think these drugs totally work!
Butters They do?
Cartman My favorite thing in the world is eating a cereal bomb and taking a shit at the same time to make more room. But I got to the last two thighs at the bottom and I was like, "Wait a minute, I think I'm full." I've never known that feeling before in my life, you guys! But I'm full!
Stan You really can feel a difference?
Cartman I totally feel a difference! I always drink the chocolatey chicken milk left at the bottom, but it's still sitting there!
Butters Wow!
Stan Dude, I think we did it, Kyle! What do we do now?
Kyle Now? Now, we're gonna make a whole lot more. We're not gonna just help Cartman, we're gonna help everyone in America who can't afford obesity drugs.
Shot at Sugar Business Franchise Company.
Boss All of us in the sugar business have a big problem. We designed our cereals so that people would always crave more and more. But now obesity drugs are making people less cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs. Ain't that right, Sonny?
Sonny We're talkin' a 60% hit to the business.
Boss These obesity drugs are an attack on all of us. Even you, Cap'n Crunch. [Cuts to Cap'n Crunch] The drugs are moving in on our turf. And we'll all be in trouble soon. Trix Rabbit... [Cuts to Trix Rabbit] Tony le tigre... [pans to Tony the Tiger] And Sugar Bear. [pans to Sugar Bear]
Sugar Bear We're only losing all the rich people. We'll be fine as long as lower-income people keep taking Lizzo.
Cap'n Crunch Lizzo, yeah.
Twinkie The Kid Lizzo, that's right.
Dig 'em Frog Lizzo, yep, yep.
Trix Rabbit Lizzo.
Boss We can't just keep pushing body positivity on people because there's a new threat... Compounding pharmacies. [cuts to screen on TV screen on TikTok]
Kyle Hey, what up guys? It's your new friends at South Park Compounding Pharmacy. We are now taking orders for our affordable obesity drugs available to everyone! We're not here to just make money, we're here to make things fair.
Butters And make some money!
Kyle Our semaglutides are safe and even cheaper than a Little Debbie snack cake.
Little Debbie Motherfucker.
Kyle So just "Like and Subscribe" if you want to get on the list and we will get everyone who wants it their semaglutides.
Tony the Tiger These people think they can just come in and mess with everything we've built? I say we kill everyone last fucking one of 'em.
Shot at Cartman Residence. [Eric's fantasy]
Cartman [Groans, looks at his hands and gasps. He approaches himself in the mirror, examining himself.] Oh, my God! Mom, mom! Look at me! [spins]
Liane Eric! Oh, my goodness.
Cartman It worked, Mom. I'm normal. [exits house] Kyle, Kenny!
Kyle Woah. Cartman?
Cartman It worked, you guys. Check me out!
Kenny (It's amazing, dude.)
Cartman Yeah, and guess what, Kyle?
Kyle What?
Cartman You're a big dumb Jew and your breath stinks like ass!
Kyle [annoyed] What?
Cartman Yeah! And, Kenny, you have greasy hair 'cause your family's too poor to afford shampoo!
Kenny (Dude, fuck you.)
Cartman What are you gonna say back? Nothing! Oh, my God, it worked!
Shot at Main Street. [Eric's fantasy]
Cartman Hey, you guys!
Wendy Wow, Cartman?
Cartman Yeah! You all have zits on your tits! You have big zits but tiny tits!
Bebe Oh. Oh, yeah?
Cartman What you got? You got nothing!
Shot at Pakistan. [Eric's fantasy]
Cartman You want to know what else, Pakistan? You all have stupid haircuts.
Pakistan People [exclaiming]
Cartman Yeah. Your haircuts are dumb and that's why your women cover their heads.
Shot at Cartman Residence.
Cartman Yeah...Yes...[gasps] The-the fuck is this? [gets up and examines himself in the mirror again]Hmm. Oh? Oh...?
Shot at Broflovski Residence Shed.
Stan [checking Cartman's weight] Yeah, well, it's official. It's been one week and Eric's lost 1.3 pounds.
Cartman 1.3 pounds? Is that good?
Kyle I'd say it's good.
Cartman This is so great, you guys. Last night, I had a dream about all the amazing things I'm gonna do when I'm skinny. Thank you, guys, so much.
Butters We just got another order, fellas. 50 more cases heading out.
Kyle 50 more? That's great. How's it going on the injectors, Kenny?
Kenny (It's going good, just trying to keep up.)
Kyle Well, it's been a week, Cartman. So are you ready for your second dose?
Cartman I'm so ready, Kyle. It's really working. This morning, for breakfast, I couldn't even finish half a cereal bomb on the toilet.
Kyle Okay, tomorrow, maybe let's go for no cereal bombs on the toilet.
Stan All right, here's your next dose, Cartman. You know the drill.
Cartman I sure do. [He takes the injector from Stan. The door flies open and guns click.]
Laura Hands up!
Mrs. Tweak This is a hold up!
Unamed Woman Nobody move and nobody gets hurt.
Laura Hand over the obesity drugs.
Stan What?
Mrs. Tweak I got 'em, I got 'em!
Unnamed Woman Get it all. There's more over here!
Cartman No, this is mine!
Laura Give it to me, fatso!
Cartman Fuck you, I need that.
Laura Give me the peptide, you little fat fuck!
Mrs. Tweak We got it!
Unnamed Woman Let's go.
Laura Let's get out of here!
Mrs. Tweak Okay, go!
Unnamed Woman Drive, drive, drive!
Randy [tires screeching, yelling] Come on, give me some of that shit!
Shot at Park.
Sharon I'm telling you, Sheila, these new drugs are pretty amazing. I was feeling so ashamed of myself. Watching Randy go out and exercise all the time and not eating as much. But I just don't have the same kind of willpower that he has.
Sheila Which of the drugs are you on, Sharon? Ozempic? Mounjaro?
Sharon [Chuckles] Oh, no, I talked to my doctor. He said insurance would only pay for those if I had diabetes.
Sheila But if you can't afford them, then how are you managing your weight?
Sharon Don't you know, Sheila? Now there's a whole new obesity drug for those of us who can't afford Ozempic and Mounjaro. I've controlled all my cravings to be thinner...With Lizzo! [Cut to Lizzo Commerical]
Singer ♪Oh, oh, oh it's Lizzo!♪
Narrator FDA-approved Lizzo makes you feel good about your weight. And it costs 90% less than Ozempic.
Sharon I've lowered my standards and my expectations.
Singer ♪It's Lizzo♪
Narrator In case studies, 70% of patients on Lizzo no longer cared about how much they weighed.
Sharon I don't give two shits.
Singer ♪Oh, oh, oh, it's Lizzo!♪
Narrator Lizzo helps you eat everything you want and keep physical activity to a minimum. Some patients report constipation while listening to Lizzo. Stop listening to Lizzo if you experience suicidal thoughts. Serious side effects may include pancreatitis, hypothermia and literally shitting out your ears.
Man3 [shits out ears]
Narrator Are you living with concerns of obesity?
Sharon Ask about the power of not giving a fuck, with Lizzo. [commerical ends]
Shot at Tegridy Farms.
Towelie Oh, hey, Randy. How was the party?
Randy It was, uh... It was not great.
Towelie Oh, you didn't rage?
Randy Oh, we raged. I think there's something wrong with these drugs. I was there raging again with a bunch of hot women

and then suddenly, I was like, "I don't know if I feel like doing this anymore." Like, I felt satisfied. With any drugs, I always want to do more and more and more. But suddenly with these drugs, I feel like I actually want things less. Does that make any sense?

Towelie Not at all.
Randy It's like, you know, with good drugs, they make you just want and lust, but those drugs also make your dick not work. But with these drugs, you don't really crave anything and your dick totally works.
Towelie Look, man, you're talking crazy. I think maybe you've just fallen in with a bad group of people.
Randy Yeah... In a bad group of people, doing a bunch of drugs.
Towelie Randy, you've got to get away from those MILFs.
Back to Kyle's make-shift laboratory garage, Kenny and Stan cleans up the mess caused by the robbery. Kyle is typing away on his laptop when the phone rings.
Kyle [into the phone] South Park Compounding Pharmacy. Oh, yes, ma'am, we'll have your obesity drugs to you really soon. We had a bit of, uh, robbery. Well, we're not really sure when. Yes, ma'am, we understand how serious it is. No, no, don't take the Lizzo. We'll-we'll have a new supply shortly, okay?
Butters [bursting into the room] Fellas! You gotta come quick!
Stan What's wrong?
Butters It's Eric. He says he's giving up. H-He bought a bunch of junk food and he's gonna mix it all together!
Stan Cartman's making another cereal bomb?
Butters It's a cereal bomb, but topped with Twinkies and gravy! He said it's called an Oppenheimer!
Cut to Cartman's house with Cartman pouring a bunch of junk foods into a KFC bucket. The boys appear from the side.
Kyle Cartman, what are you doing?
Cartman The drugs are wearing off, Kyle. I didn't get my second dose. I just want to make an Oppenheimer and forget the whole thing. [pouring milk into the bucket]
Kyle That's it? You're just gonna give up?
Cartman I don't wanna hope anymore.
Kyle [pulling Cartman away from the chair] Well, you gotta hope, Cartman! You hope and you work instead of turning to shit like that!
Cartman It's all just making it worse, Kyle. Don't you get it? Knowing there's a cure? Knowing I can have willpower injected into my body? It's all just made me dream about what my future can be like. But I realize now that those dreams are never gonna come true.
Kyle Cartman, your dreams are going to come true.
Cartman No, they won't.
Kyle Yes, they will! You'll do everything you dreamed about, you just have to fight for those dreams!
Cartman [turning away] I don't have the willpower that you do.
Kyle Just come back to the pharmacy with us. We're not gonna quit.
Cartman But all our shit got stolen. My obesity drugs are with some women who don't even need them.
Kyle So, are we gonna let them win? People can be as unfair as they want, but as long as there's a factory in India, I will never stop making obesity drugs for the needy.
The scene cuts to a place in India. A car pulls up in front of a factory, revealing Sugar Bear as the driver, smoking a cigarette. He pulls out a walkie.
Suagr Bear This is the place.
Captain Crunch walks inside the factory holding a guitar case. He pulls out a gun from the case and open fires at the workers. They start screaming and panicking. Trix Rabbit and Sonny the Cuckoo Bird appears from the second floor and also starts shooting at the people. Little Debbie shoots from the other side of the factory.
Indian man [turns around after hearing the gunshots] Little Debbie!
The man gets shot in the stomach and falls down. Dig 'em Frog walks toward him.
Dig 'em Frog You think you can sell your drugs on our fuckin' turf? [pulling out a knife] Only one drug is king in America. And that drug is sugar. [cuts up his face]
On the television shows Breaking News.
Tom Thompson One of the largest manufacturers of semaglutide was attacked today by body positivity activists. Our own Bill Norman has more.
Bill Norman [outside the now burning factory] Tom, the advocates for body positivity broke into this obesity medicine facility and opened fire on everyone inside. [the boys are shown watching the television] The terrorists claimed that obesity is not a disease and that every body is beautiful as they then burned the factory to the ground. The identity of the attackers is still unknown, but one member of the militant group sent this anonymous message.
Anonymous Member [appears only as a silhouette with a distorted voice] Now instead of obesity drugs, people will have to rely on good things, like self-esteem and body positivity. They're grrreat!
Cartman Does this mean I'm not gonna get my next dose? I'm just gonna stay fat?!
Kyle What the hell is wrong with people?
Cartman [grabbing Kyle by the collar] Am I just gonna stay fucking fat, Kyle?!
Kyle No, we're gonna do something else.
Cartman But the body positivity people are just gonna destroy all the drugs and I'm gonna be fat!
Kyle You are not gonna be fat, Cartman.
Cartman [interrupting] I'm gonna be fat! Yes, I am!
Kyle Listen, listen to me.
Cartman I'm gonna be fat forever!
Kyle You're not gonna be fat!
Cartman You can't do anything! They have all the power!
Kyle We'll get the drugs somewhere else.
Cartman They want to keep me this way!
Kyle We just have to keep working harder.
Cartman I'm gonna be fat as fuck, Kyle!
Kyle WE'RE GONNA FUCKING FIGURE IT OUT!
Cartman [stomach growling] Ugh... Ooh…
Stan Cartman?
Cartman I just got to get my next dose soon, you guys. Something's going on down there.
In the South Park Medical Clinic, farting noises are heard from inside a bathroom. A doctor and a nurse stood beside the door.
Dr. Gauche [knocking] It's okay, you're just experiencing some side effects from your medication.
Sharon [coming out, holding her stomach] Oh. Oh… I'm so sorry.
Dr. Gauche It's all right, Mrs. Marsh. We've been seeing a lot of this lately with people taking Lizzo. Now, are you mostly defecating out your anus or out your ears?
Sharon M-My ears.
Dr. Gauche Yup, all right, let's take a look. [inside the consultation room] Uh-huh. Yep. Okay. Well, that confirms it, Mrs. Marsh. I'm afraid with all the Lizzo you've been takin', you've given yourself "diabeartes."
Sharon What? I have diabetes?
Dr. Gauche "Diab-ear-tes." It's a mild form of diabetes that occurs mostly in the ears. It's something you'll have to manage for the rest of your life. But that's really good news!
Sharon H-How the hell is that good news?
Dr. Gauche Because! Now I can write you a prescription for Ozempic! With your condition, you're finally eligible for semaglutides.
Sharon I-I can get on Ozempic now?
Dr. Gauche Yes, ma'am. Congratulations on your diabeartes, Mrs. Marsh. We'll see you back here looking skinny in a few weeks. [escorting Sharon out the room] All right, next. Come on in, Mrs. Munoz. Experiencing some side effects with your Lizzo?
Mrs. Munoz Yes. [poop comes out of her bandaged ears] Oooh!
Butters, Kenny, and Stan are stationed outside the bathroom where Cartman locked himself in.
Stan Come on, dude. You don't want to do this.
Cartman Yes, I do.
Butters Eric, there's so much to live for!
Kyle [appearing from the side] What's he doing?
Stan Cartman's in there with a cereal bomb that he says is ten times more destructive than an Oppenheimer.
Butters He says it's called a Stormy Daniels.
Kyle Cartman! Cartman, stop! I have a solution!
Cartman Forget it! I'm going down with a Stormy Daniels!
Kyle No, Cartman, stop eating! I found more semaglutide! It's gonna be here within the hour!
The lock clicks and Cartman comes out holding a spoonful of Stormy Daniels to his mouth threateningly. The boys holds up their hands as they back away slowly.
Stan Go easy, Cartman.
Cartman What do you mean it's gonna be here within the hour?
Kyle I found another supplier in North Carolina. They make raw semaglutides for all the other drugs. [pulling out his phone to show him]] They let me order a whole truck of raw powder, wholesale! The app says the truck is already almost here. See? As soon as it gets here, we can make you another dose, and you'll have your will power back. You just gotta hang on a little bit longer!
Cartman Fine. I won't eat it just yet. [handing the bucket to Kenny] Kenny, put this in the refrigerator so the skin doesn't get soggy.
Kenny [muffled] Ew, gross.
Kyle Okay, let's be totally ready when the truck gets here. Stan, get the biostatic water ready! Butters, prepare another syringe! The delivery is gonna be here in the next 40 minutes!
In the highway, a truck of Glutpharm Labs slows down with all the roadblock and Mrs. Tweak holding a stop sign in the middle of it.
Radio

Now I can't help myself at all ♪
And I get whiskey
bent and hell bound ♪
Play me some songs
about a ramblin' man. ♪

Linda Stotch [appearing from the side] Got some construction going on.
Truck driver Seems kind of inappropriate to wear a midriff shirt while working, don't it?
Randy [opens the passenger door, holding up a gun] Take your foot off the pedal! How much semaglutide you got in the back?!
Truck driver [gets pulled out of the truck] Hey!
Mrs. Tweak Get him, girls! [Mrs. Tweak, Mrs. Stotch, and Laura all collectively kick the driver]
Truck driver Ah! No! AAAH! NO! AAAAH!
Randy [looking away] Stop… Stop! Fuck this! [starts the truck]
Linda Stotch What the hell are you doing?!
Randy You're bad people! I'm getting the fuck away from you!
Linda Stotch Hey! [Mrs. Tweak and Laura pulls out a gun and starts shooting at him]
Randy Aaah!!
Mrs. Tweak He's taking the drugs!
Laura Get that motherfucker!
The moms get in their cars and starts chasing Randy down the road. Randy notices them from the side-view mirror.
Randy Shit!
Mrs. Tweak's car gets in front of the truck and Laura stands up from the back, carrying a shotgun. She points the gun to the truck, but Randy swerves to the left, followed closely by Alexis' car. The scene cuts to the boys waiting on the side walk.
Kyle Oh, goddamn it.
Kenny [muffled] What's wrong?
Kyle The truck was almost here but now it's going the wrong way again. What the fuck is this guy doing?
Mrs. Tweak jumps from the car to the truck, opening the door and trying to grab the wheel from Randy. They wrestle for a while and the truck swerves off road. The scene cuts to Kyle's phone showing the truck on the app spinning around in one place.
Kyle Oh, for fuck's sake! Now it's doing that thing where it just keeps spinning around in circles.
Butters Oh, I hate that.
Kyle Come on, we gotta go track this asshole down!
Back to the chaos of the parents, Alexis' car slams into the truck's side and Mrs. Tweak gets thrown to the door. The truck swerves and now she gets thrown into Randy's lap.
Mrs. Tweak Whoa!
Randy Ooh!
Mrs. Tweak screams as Randy throws her out of the truck. Mrs. Stotch's car who was tailing the truck stops. Meanwhile, the kids walk around, trying to locate the truck.
Kyle What the fuck? The truck went west by Target and then went east again. I think it's over this way now. [walking by a crosswalk] I don't get it! It says the truck is right here!
Stan [turning to the road] Uh, there it is.
Randy [seeing the kids on the road] Ah! Oh, shit! AAAAH! [the truck stops right before the kids]
Stan Dad, what are you doing?
Randy [panting] Uh, oh, uh… I'm in deep, Stan. Daddy's a drug addict. I should have never worn this midriff shirt to school! Certain things just aren't appropriate to wear!
Butters Uh-oh, look, fellas!
Mrs. Tweak Give us the drugs!
Kyle [angrily] Aw, not them again!
Randy Get in the truck!
Butters Whoa, whoa, wait! W-waah! F-fellas, help!
The kids get in but Butters couldn't in time. The door closes and he was left hanging at the side of the truck, holding tight to the handle in fear as it drove off. A chopper flies overhead.
Stan You guys, look!
Randy Is that the cops?
Laura What is that?
Sonny the Cuckoo Bird [in the chopper] Destroy that shipment!
Cartman Dude, it's Cocoa Puffs bird!
Randy And-and Cap'n Crunch. I think that's Cap'n Crunch!
Cap'n Crunch You ain't taking this shit to your compounding pharmacy!
Randy What's a compounding pharmacy?
Cap'n Crunch starts shooting at the truck, bullets barely missing Butters who's hanging on for dear life.
Randy Aah!
Butters Whoa!
A green jeep driven by Little Debbie appears and Tony the Tiger jumps to the passenger side of the truck. Alexis' car drives past them with Mrs. Black with a gun at the back.
Alexis Those are our drugs, fuckos!
They all exchange bullets. Trix Rabbit joins in and shoots the woman beside Alexis in the stomach which caused her to fall off the car. Mrs. Tweak bumps Larry the Leprechaun's car, and it hit the front of the truck. Cap'n Crunch gets thrown out the window and go under the truck as he screamed. Everyone in the truck looked horrified. Tony the Tiger breaks the passenger side's window and grabs Kenny by the neck, flinging him out of the truck. Kenny hits the hood of Alexis' car, killing him instantly.
Stan Aah! Tony the Tiger killed Kenny!
The shooting continues and Tony the Tiger gets shot on the head. Randy hands Stan a gun.
Randy Stan, take Daddy's gun and shoot those MILFs!
Stan No, Dad, I'm not shooting anyone's mom.
Kyle I'll fucking shoot them! [Kyle snatches the gun away from Stan and starts shooting at Alexis' car]
Sugar Bear

Dat-doobie-doobie-dat, Golden Crisp. ♪

Linda Stotch Butters! What are you doing?!
Butters Oh! Hey, Mom!
Linda Stotch Butters, you give Mommy those obesity drugs right now!
Butters But I thought you didn't use obesity drugs, Mom! I thought you were doing Pilates and stuff!
Twinkie the Kid swings around a rope and latches it into the truck's side-view mirror. He yanks the rope, effectively removing the door as well. Kyle jumps in and starts shooting at him. Lucky the Leprechaun, who was driving, gets shot in the head and the car loses control. Twinkie the Kid's upper body disappears as his body gets hit by a billboard. The car stops as it hits an elevated ground and Twinkie the Kid screams as he tries to put the stuffing back into his body. Sonny the Cuckoo bird looks down and releases Cocoa Puffs midair, hitting Mrs. Tweak's car. A blonde woman in Alexis' car gets up and injects two Ozempic pens to her stomach. She jumps up and grabs Sonny the Cuckoo Bird's chopper. She jumps down to the truck's roof but immediately gets shot down by Dig 'em Frog.
Kyle Fuck you! [he shoots at the chopper and it falls down]
Sonny the Cuckoo Bird Koo-koo! Koo-koo! Koo-koo!
The chase continues. Cartman spots an Ozempic at the hood of the truck and starts crawling towards it.
Stan The fuck are you doing?!
Cartman I can reach it!
Kyle Cartman, get your fat ass back in the truck!
Cartman No, I can get them! I can get the obesity drugs. I can have my hunger suppressed for another week!
Before he can reach it, Cap'n Crunch's hand appears and grabs Cartman's hand. They both scream, and so does Stan and Randy. Cap'n Crunch takes the Ozempic, takes it away, then hands Cartman a Lizzo instead.
Cartman Noooo!
Stan Dad, look out!
Randy Whoa!
Little Debbie's jeep and Mrs. Tweak's car are heading towards the truck. Randy pulls Cartman inside as Cap'n Crunch screams in terror. The vehicles collide and the truck stops right by the Broflovski's house.
Kyle Get the drugs in the garage! We'll make Cartman's shot first!
Sheila [coming out of the house] Kyle, what the hell is going on?
Kyle We've got a full order of semaglutides to be given to the needy.

They're all trying to take it, but everything in here belongs to us!

Kyle goes in as soon as the truck opens. He stops mid track as a whirring of printer is heard. It reveals the same man from the Insurance company, in his desk and surrounded by paperwork like a makeshift office.
Insurance Claims Agent Hello.
Kyle Where's our drugs?
Insurance Claims Agent Yeah, the, uh, pharmaceutical company you ordered from was insured with us.
Cartman What do you mean? We-we don't get them?
Insurance Claims Agent You'll-you'll be able to get them. See, we just work in tandem with the suppliers, so all you'll have to do is navigate—
Insurance Claims Agent and Butters [together] the American health care system.
Shot at Tegridy Farms. Sharon takes out an Ozempic, looking at her reflection in the mirror. She lifts her shirt and was about to take the shot when Randy sees her and intervenes.
Randy Oh my God, stop! Sharon, you don't want to mess with that stuff!
Sharon Randy, why are you wearing one of Shelley's shirts?
Randy It's time for me to tell you the truth. I told you that I've been going out on hikes and doing Pilates. But it's not true. I've just been doing that shit.
Sharon You have? Why didn't you just admit it when I asked you?
Randy Well, 'cause I thought you'd be pissed! I had no idea you'd want to do 'em, too!
Sharon But how have you been getting them? They're so hard to get!
Randy A, uh, a group of women were sharing theirs with me. I'd go to their houses and, uh… do it with them.
Sharon Oh, and what do you think? Are you seeing any improvements?
Randy Wha—? W-w-wait... you're-you're not pissed?
Sharon No, I'm not pissed, Randy. Everyone wants to do this stuff, how can you say no to it?
Randy [holds Sharon's hands] You are so much cooler than any other woman out there, you know that? And I do not want you to change one bit.
Sharon [looking at the mirror] You don't? Really?
Randy The truth is, Sharon, I think these are bad drugs. They just made me crave everything less and yet my dick still worked. Hey, let's say just you and me go to the Holiday Inn tonight and do some molly.
Sharon What? Like we did back in college?
Randy Yeah, sweetheart. Let's go do some good drugs.
Shot at Holiday Inn. Randy and Sharon are heard laughing together.
Randy Hey, oh, hey, Sharon, look! My dick doesn't work!
Sharon Oh, wow!
Randy Yeah! Ha-ha, ooh!
The bell rings in thr school cafeteria. The boys sit dejectedly and barely touching their food. Cartman has a bucket of KFC with him.
Butters Well, I guess that's it for our compounding pharmacy.
Stan Yeah... I'm just kind of glad it's all over with.
Kyle I was wrong. I used to think fat people just needed more willpower. But now I see what it's like to have willpower not be enough. We got sugar companies, pharmaceutical companies and insurance companies all just trying to figure out how to make money off of our fucking health. [stands on the bench and starts giving a speech] How can anyone have willpower when all these forces are manipulating us every day? It's impossible. And I've learned one very important thing. It isn't fair to put the blame on anyone for their weight.
Boy Yeah.
ALL Yeah.
Kyle What do you say, guys? Let's all agree as a school---no, as a society, that we won't make fun of obesity anymore!
ALL Yeah! [cheering and applauding]
Cartman Wait, what did you say?
Kyle I said we're not going to be critical of anyone for their weight ever again!
"Free Ride" by Edgar Winter starts playing.
Cartman Are you serious? But, you guys, that's all I've been wishing for this whole time! It all worked out, you guys. Kyle, guess what?
Kyle What?
Cartman You're a fucking dipshit ginger! You've got fucking freckles and your religion is a goddamn lie!
Kyle Shut up, Cartman. You… you…
Cartman Oh my God, yes! Fucking yes! Wendy, you've got little tiny saggy tits and your breath stinks!
Wendy What?
Cartman That's it! That's it, you can't say anything! And you!
Music

Come on and take a free ride ♪

Cartman [bursts out of the school] Hey, Mr. Rollins, you dress like a bitch! Hello, ma'am, you've got a big nose! Hey, do I know you? Fuck you! [appears in an airport dressed up in vacation clothes and carrying bags] Nice hair, cheesedick! Ha-ha, you're in a wheelchair! Hey, ugly, I'm checking in, please.
Receptionist You're flying to Pakistan all by yourself, young man?
Cartman That's right. I've got a lot of catching up to do.
A plane flew into the sky as Free Ride continues to play in the background.
Cartman Yes!
Music

Free ride ♪
Come on and sit here by my side ♪
Come on and take a free ride. ♪
♪
♪

End of South Park: The End of Obesity
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