Alternate Universes Collide Again/Script
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"CLASSIfied/Script" | "Alternate Universes Collide Again/Script" | "Microaggression Academy/Script" | 
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Cast
Note: Respective script dialogues for The Coon and Captain Diabetes, along with any lines that follow, are only triggered when the player has them as their active combat buddies.
Script
| Alternate Universes Collide Again | |
| The New Kid enters Kyle's backyard to find Alternate Human Kite on top of the slides | |
| I'm baaaaaack! | |
| Now the Human Kite enters the backyard. He leans at the house walls, with his arms folded | |
| Will you deal with him, please? | |
| Look, Cousin Kyle, it's that mean kid who beat me up before. | |
| [sarcastically] Yea, oh no, somebody stop him. | |
| Don't worry, Cousin Kyle. I have developed these super sensors which will make it almost impossible for him to beat us up this time. | |
| I have to stay out of this. Just please, PLEASE, make him go away. | |
| Prepare to meet your doom, evil bully kid! | |
| Combat begins | |
| This barrier represents the Red Sea, which you will be unable to part without Moses on your side. | |
| During Alternate Human Kite's turn | |
| I'm supposed to attack now, right? Oh goodness. | |
| Oh, I just know I'm gonna mess this up, but here it goes. | |
| Oh, I'm up now? You want me to go again? I can wait... no? | |
| Ok, I'm gonna try something a little crazy, everyone brace yourselves! | |
| When the Alternate Human Kite executes the Eye Laser ability | |
| Oh jeez, I didn't think I'd actually hit you. | |
| That wasn't too hard, right? I don't want to cause any permanent damage. | |
| If the Alternate Human Kite suffers knockback | |
| I'm getting a tingle in my throat. Does anyone have a lozenge? | |
| If the Alternate Human Kite suffers a negative status effect | |
| Oh goodness, this is the last affliction I need. | |
| Be careful, please! I have a number of existing ailments that I don't want to exacerbate. | |
| Once the Alternate Human Kite has been defeated, a cutscene shows him with a bleeding nose. | |
| Ugh, ok, ok, that does it! [gets up from the ground] You guys asked for it, and now Human Kite shall use his Hebrew faith to call upon the power of the wind. Hikmail ashungya! | |
| Wind began to flow through, as the Alternate Human Kite stretches out his arms. | |
| Let the strength of the wind make my kite fly into... [his kite, unfortunately, gets blown off his back] OH JESUS, IT CAME OFF! | |
| The kite eventually ends up on top of the tree | |
| Oh Jesus, my kite just blew up into the tree, Cousin Kyle! | |
| Then give up. | |
| Don't worry, super buddy cousin. Perhaps I no longer have my kite, but I still have my super weapon! [takes a deep breath] AUNT SHEILA! These kids are picking on meeeee! | |
| [Off camera] WHAT, WHAT, WHAAAT?! [She emerges from the glass door] Who's picking on you?! | |
| End of cutscene, and the fight continues | |
| Who are you kids? I'll call your mothers right now! | |
| Yeah, get 'em, Aunt Sheila! | |
| When Sheila has taken damage for the first time | |
| Dude, that's my mom! [enters the battlefield] Ok, everyone, just stop! We're taking this too far! | |
| To heck with that! These boys need to learn some manners! | |
| Yeah, Aunt Sheila! | |
| You wanna beat up my mom, you're gonna have to go through me first! | |
| If the player stalls | |
| You kids have no role models, that's the problem. | |
| During Human Kite's turn | |
| Lay off my mom! | |
| You guys can't fight my mom! She's gonna kick your ass! | |
| Kyle, language! | |
| Hey, can you guys just give up before we get in more trouble? | |
| Sorry, bro. No can do. | |
| Ready to quit yet? | |
| Nah, I feel like we should see where this goes. | |
| Dammit! | |
| During Sheila's turn | |
| I hope you pay attention because I'm gonna teach you kids a lesson. | |
| Stay away from my bubby, you little monsters! | |
| I'm going to kick your fucking asses all the way to Canada. | |
| You piece of trash! | |
| Put that in your pipe and smoke it! | |
| I don't feel like doing shit right now. | |
| That's what you get for picking on my bubby! | |
| That's something your mothers should've done a long time ago. Sorry, Clyde. | |
| Did you make all these balloons, bubby? | |
| Yea, but my asthma's acting up and I feel all phlegmy and light-headed. | |
| When either Human Kites have been attacked for the first time | |
| You're gonna come in my backyard and disrespect my family?! I WILL FUCKING DESTROY YOU! | |
| Mom, calm down! | |
| When Sheila is attacked | |
| You can't fucking do that to me! | |
| That's my mom, dick! | |
| Kyle! | |
| Hey! You better quit it right now! | |
| When Human Kite is attacked | |
| Better you hit me than my mom, you jerks! | |
| I'll remember that! | |
| You brought this on yourself, Kite. | |
| Yea, I know... | |
| I hope that didn't hurt too badly, Human Kite! | |
| Well, it did. | |
| When Alternate Human Kite is attacked | |
| Oh Jesus! | |
| Do you know kites are really quite fragile? | |
| If you harm a hair on his beautiful head, I will EAT YOUR FUCKING ORGANS! | |
| When either Human Kites attacks with Sheila present | |
| That's my little superhero! | |
| See, isn't it nicer when everyone gets to play together? | |
| I totally concur, Aunt Sheila. | |
| If Sheila suffers Confused status | |
| I'm starting to get dizzy. I need a saltine. | |
| If Sheila suffers Grossed Out status | |
| Oh, I'll need to make some ginger tea after this. | |
| If Sheila suffers Chilled status | |
| Big fucking whoop. Like a spring afternoon in Newark. | |
| If Human Kite suffers Enraged status | |
| Damn you guys, I'm so pissed! | |
| If Human Kite suffers Chilled status | |
| I'm... so cold. | |
| Kyle! Put on a jacket - you'll catch your death! | |
| No, thanks. | |
| If The Coon attacks Human Kite | |
| I wanted to do that for a long time. | |
| Screw you, Coon! | |
| If Human Kite is defeated | |
| This is super not cool, guys! | |
| If Alternate Human Kite is defeated before Sheila does | |
| Bubby! Oh bubby! I WILL AVENGE YOU! | |
| If Human Kite is defeated before Sheila does | |
| You lay down, Kyle. I'll handle these little bastards! | |
| You and your friends play too rough, bubala. | |
| Once Sheila and Alternate Human Kite have been defeated | |
| I'm just glad it's over. My hemorrhoids are really talking to me. | |
| I feel bad all over now. Where's the nearest steam room? | |
| Oh, you're really good at this game. | |
| Goodness, look after my glasses. | |
| Cutscene continues with Sheila on the ground, with Alternate Human Kite beside her. Human Kite tries to help his mother up. | |
| Mom, are you ok? [walks over to the New Kid with anger] Nice going guys! | |
| Kyle, get inside and call the police! We have to get these kids arrested! | |
| No, no, mom! No police, this is all my fault. | |
| WHAT?! | |
| Look, it's just - I couldn't take my cousin copying everything I do! The Human Kite is about saving people, not about Judaism! | |
| And now look at all the damage you've caused. I should press charges against your friends! | |
| And look, my kite's up in a tree. [sniffs] | |
| I'm sorry, please, I'll do anything. | |
| You are going to let your cousin play with you from now on. Is that clear?! | |
| Oh boy, Aunt Sheila says I get to play with you! | |
| [rolls eyes] Yes, sometimes you can play with us. | |
| Yippie! | |
| Now get your cousin's kite out of that tree. You're not playing anymore until you do! [turns to Alternate Human Kite] Come on, sugganah, let's get you some bactine. [holds his hand and lead him off to the kitchen] | |
| Oh, I hate bactine because it gets on my fingers and I get eczema from the lidocaine. | |
| End of cutscene. With the Human Kite and the New Kid alone in the backyard, they stare at the kite stuck in the tree. | |
| Well, crap. How we gonna get that kite down? | |
| What the hell do we do now? | |
| The New Kid finds a spot under the tree, trying out fartkour for the first time | |
| Oh hey, that's a great idea! | |
| With the Human Kite and the New Kid taking position, they climb up a slide for takeoff, and after a few farts from the New Kid, they managed to get up on the tree | |
| Wow, your ass is full of surprises. | |
| After retrieving the kite, both fartkour off the tree and return to the ground | |
| I'm going to call that Fartkour. When you need to reach high, out-of-the-way spots, give me a call and we'll Fartkour up there. Man, I hope we never need to do that in public though, kind of embarassing. | |
| Buddy Power Unlock: Fartkour | |
| End of Alternate Universes Collide Again | |