The Spirit of Christmas/Scripts

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"The Spirit of Christmas/Scripts"

The Unaired Pilot/Script

The Spirit of Christmas: Jesus vs. Frosty

Cast

• Stan Marsh
• Kyle Broflovski
• Kenny McCormick
• Eric Cartman
• Jesus Christ
• Frosty the Snowman

Script

The Spirit of Christmas
Female voice-over	I keep hearing this melody in my ears...
	A field. Four boys are working on a snowman
Boys	Frosty the Snowman was a jolly, happy soul. With a corncob pipe and a button nose, and two eyes made out of coal. There must have been some magic in that old felt hat they found. For when they placed in on his head...
Stan	Dude!
Kyle	What?
Stan	Don't put the magic hat on the snowman.
Kyle	Why?
Stan	'Cause if you do, he's gonna come to life.
Kyle	Cool!
Stan	No it's not cool! My sister - in, in Minnesota - put a hat on a snowman and it tried to kill her!
Kyle	Fuck him, let's do it anyway.
Kenny	Yeah.
Boys	There must have been some magic in that old felt hat they found For when they placed in on his head...
	Percolating music starts and the hat starts to move around the snowman's head. He comes to life and immediately assumes a growling posture. The kids stare in horror as tentacles sprout out from underneath the snowman. They scatter as the snowman picks up "Kenny" with its tentacles and throws him quite a distance. Kenny lands and bleeds to death. The other kids catch up to him.
"Kenny"	AHHHHH!
Kyle	Oh my God! Frosty killed Kenny!
Stan	Dude! I told you not to put that fuckin' hat on Frosty's fuckin' head! Now, didn't I?!
Kyle	Well, I'm sorry, Mr. Rocket fucking Scientist! What are we s'posed to do now?
Stan	I don't know what we're s'posed to... wait. I bet he can help us. [rushes off]
Kyle	Who?
Santa	Ho ho ho, ho.
Boys	Save us! Save us! Fuckin' save us! Save us!
Santa	Whoa-whoa. Now, tell me what happened, slowly.
Kyle	Okay. We were just building a snowman... and all of a sudden... he came to life...
Stan	I told him. I said, 'Don't put the magic hat...on the snowman'...and he did it anyways...and...and then he killed our friend, Kenny, and now he's gonna kill everybody!
Santa	Did he look kind of like this? [growls, and reveals his true identity, Frosty!]
Stan	Yeah, kind of like that...
Kyle	Mm-hm, exactly
Boys	[realizing that something is wrong here] AAAAaaaahhhh!
Frosty	Rroowwrroowwrr
	the kids scatter. Frosty takes Kenny and tosses him to the same spot "Kenny" died on, and the boy dies there, as well
Kyle	You know, ah- I don't think that was the real Santa Claus.
Stan	Oh, no shit, Sherlock! You know, thanks to you there's not gonna be any Christmas, and there's no one left to help us.
Kyle	Oh, Christ!
Boys	[gasp] Jesus!
	A Nativity scene is shown. A traditional Christmas, "Greensleeves," tune plays
Stan	Jesus, we beseech thee in this time of need...
Kyle	OK. Fucking Frosty, he fuckin' killed... [an angelic choir is heard as the manger brightens]
Stan	[angrily] Dude!
Kyle	...our friend...
Stan	Dude! This is Jesus! You don't say 'fuck' in front of Jesus!
Kyle	[wondering] is that so?
	Jesus rises from his manger. A driving drum beat takes over. This Jesus may be a toddler, but he has a mustache and beard like he does as an adult.
Boys	Go, Jesus!
	Jesus chases Frosty down. Frosty turns to face him and growls. Jesus takes off his halo and launches it. It slices off the top of Frosty's head along with the hat and returns to Jesus. Frosty quickly falls apart.
Boys	Our Savior!
	Jesus returns to his manger and back to rest
Stan	Phew.
Kyle	That sucked.
Stan	I'm sure glad that's over with.
Kyle	Yeah. But you know, I learned something today.
Stan	[angrily] Yeah, don't put the magic hat on Frosty!
Kyle	No - I learned about the true Spirit of Christmas.
Stan	Really?
Kyle	Yeah. Christmas isn't about Frosty or Santa...
Stan	You're right. It's about Jesus.
Kyle	Nno, it's not even about Jesus, either.
Stan	Well, then, what's it all about?
Kyle	Presents.
Stan	Ooooohhhhhh
Kyle	You see?
Stan	Yeah.
Kyle	Presents.
Stan	Hey, man. Let's go home. I know where my parents hide my presents!
Kyle	Cool!
Stan	Yeah.
	they leave. A deer comes and nibbles at Kenny's body, then leaves.
Male Voice-over	...sooo heee waves goodbye, saying, 'Don't you cry, I'll be back again someday.'
End of The Spirit of Christmas

The Spirit of Christmas: Jesus vs. Santa

Cast

• Stan Marsh
• Kyle Broflovski
• Kenny McCormick
• Eric Cartman
• Jesus Christ
• Santa Claus
• Brian Boitano
• Wendy Testaburger (girl on Santa's lap)

Script

The Spirit of Christmas
	South Park, Music. Scene: Snowy hill. South Park comes into view. A squirrel pops up to see the camera, then drops away. Kids can be heard singing a Christmas carol. The camera pans to the right
Boys	We wish you a merry Christmas, We wish you a merry Christmas, We wish you a merry Christmas--
Stan	Hey! Wait a minute!
Kyle	What?
Stan	Aren't you Jewish, Kyle?
Kyle	Yeah, I think so.
Stan	[voice rising] Dude, Jewish people don't celebrate Christmas!
Kyle	What?
Stan	You're s'posed to sing Hanukkah songs!
Kyle	Dreidel dreidel dreidel, I made you out of clay, [Stan starts to smile] Dreidel dreidel dreidel--
Stan	That's a stupid song.
Cartman	Yeah, Hanukkah sucks.
Kyle	Don't you oppress me, fat boy.
Cartman	Don't call me fat, buttfucker.
Kyle	Then don't belittle my people you fuckin' fatass!
Cartman	Goddammit don't call me fat you buttfuckin' sonofabitch!
	Jesus floats down from the sky.
Kyle	What the-?
	Kenny mumbles and zips up his hood
Jesus	Behold my glory.
Stan	Holy shit, it's Jesus!
Cartman	What are you doing in South Park, Jesus?
Jesus	I come seeking...retribution.
Stan	[gasps] He's come to kill you cuz you're Jewish, Kyle!
Kyle	Oh, fuck! I'm sorry, Jesus. Don't kill me.
Jesus	Nay, fear not. I love All My Children.
Kyle	Whew.
Jesus	Tomorrow is my birthday. Yet all is not right.
Stan	Your birthday is on Christmas? That sucks, dude.
Jesus	I must find a place called "The Mall".
Kyle	Well we can take you to the mall, Jesus.
Stan	Yeah! It's over this way. [Kyle and Kenny exit. Stan starts to walk.]
Cartman	[at Kyle] Eugh! Goddammit, you stepped on my foot you pigfucker.
Stan	Dude, don't say pigfucker in front of Jesus. [moves in front of Cartman and leaves.]
Cartman	Eh, fuck you. [Pauses awhile, then exits]
	South Park main street. Music: God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen.
Stan	Here we are Jesus, South Park Mall. Who are you looking for?
Jesus	[points] Him! HODNOTA!
Santa	Ho ho ho. We meet again, Jesus.
Jesus	You have blemished the meaning of Christmas for the last time, Kringle!
Santa	I bring happiness and love to children all over the world.
Jesus	Christmas is for celebrating my birth!
Santa	Christmas is for giving!
Jesus	I'm here to put an end to your blasphemy!
Santa	This time we finish it. [stands, flipping Wendy off his lap] There can be only one! [cocks his head to the right]
Stan	Dude, this is pretty fucked up right here.
	Jesus and Santa begin fighting. Jesus pins Santa, but Santa throws Jesus off
Boys	Go Santa! [Jesus looks at them] Uh, go Jesus! [Jesus and Santa fight some more, Mortal Kombat style.]
Jesus	Chung kwang do! [a fireball balloons between his hands, then sails towards Santa]
Santa	Wha...? [he moves aside. The fireball hits Santa's post and the post falls over, killing three kids.]
Santa	Yoktuki! [throws two blue items, but...]
Jesus	Whoa! [turns right so that they miss him. One of them heads straight for Kenny]
Kenny	[in a muffled voice] (Oh, no!) [His head screams as it heads toward a statue and knocks it over, killing three more.]
Kyle	Oh my god! They killed Kenny! [the body falls over]
Santa	Come on, you son of a bitch!
Jesus	Come on! Come on!
Santa	Come on!
Jesus	[turns to look at the boys] Boys, help me put an end to him once and for all.
Santa	[turns to look at the boys] No, boys, help me, so that I can put an end to him.
Jesus	God is watching you, boys. You know who to help.
Santa	Stan, remember the choo-choo when you were three?
Jesus	I died for your sins, boys. Don't forget that.
Stan	I don't know what to do, dude. Who should we help?
Cartman	I say we help Santa Claus.
Kyle	Aw, you're just saying that because he brings you candy.
Cartman	Hey! I don't need to take that kinda shit from a Jew.
Kyle	You're such a fat fuck, Cartman, that when you walk down the street people go GOD DAMMIT that kid's a BIG FAT FUCK.
Cartman	Oh yeah? Well, at least I'm not a p---! [Arguments ensue.]
Kyle	Shut up! [Jesus and Santa continue to wrestle while the kids cheer them on and snipe at each other]
Santa	[to Jesus] Buttfuckin...
Kyle	I'm not the buttfucker, Cartman, YOU'RE the buttfucker...
Santa	[to Jesus] FUCK YOU!
Stan	Wait, wait, wait just a second. Now we've got to think here. Now let's see. What would Brian Boitano do?
Cartman	Yeah. What would Brian Boitano do? [Brian Boitano skates into view amid a fanfare.]
Brian	Did someone say my name?
Cartman	Brian Boitano!
Kyle	What incredible irony!
Cartman	Yeah, it's Brian Boitano!
Brian	What's going on, kids?
Stan	Okay, Brian? Who would you help in a fight, Jesus or Santa Claus?
Brian	Kids...you shouldn't think of things like that. This is the one time of year in which we all try to get along, no matter what we believe in. This is the season just to be good to each other. Bye-eee!
Kyle	[softly, after Brian says 'season'] Yeah. [Brian skates away.]
Santa	C'mon, lumberboy!
Jesus	You fuckin' pussy!
Santa	C'mere!
Jesus	C'mere! Come on!
Stan	Hey, Jesus! You have to understand that Santa is keeping the spirit of your birthday alive by bringing happiness and joy.
Kyle	Yeah. And Santa, you need to remember that if it weren't for Jesus, this day wouldn't even exist!
Santa	You're right kids. I'm sorry Jesus.
Jesus	No, no. It's me who should be sorry. I've been a right bastard. I'm sorry Kringle.
Santa	Thank you boys.
Jesus	Yeah, thank you boys. Come on, Kringle, I'll buy you an Orange Smoothie.
Santa	Oooo!
Stan	Whew. That sucked.
Kyle	Yeah, but just think. Today we actually met--we actually spoke--to the Brian Boitano.
Stan	Yeah. And you know? I think I learned something today, it doesn't matter if you're Christian or Jewish or Atheist or Hindu. Christmas still is about one very important thing:
Cartman	Yeah, ham.
Stan	[angrily] No not ham, you fat fuck!
Cartman	Fuck you!
Stan	...Christmas is about something much more important!
Kyle	What?
Stan	[voice softens] Presents.
Kyle	[softly] Ah.
Stan	Don't you see, Kyle?
Kyle	Yeah.
Stan	Presents.
Kyle	Hey man, if you're Jewish you get presents for eight days.
Stan	Wow, really? Count me in.
Cartman	Yeah, I'll be a Jew too.
Boys	[leaving] Dreidel dreidel dreidel I made you out of clay! Dreidel dreidel dreidel With dreidel I will play!
	Sign: "El Fin". Animals feed on Kenny's remains, then run off. Blackout.
End of The Spirit of Christmas