Twisted Christian/Script

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Trivia

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Script

Extras

"Conflict of Interest/Script"

"Twisted Christian/Script"

"The Woman In The Hat/Script"

Cast

• Butters Stotch
• Clyde Donovan
• Donald Trump
• Eric Cartman
• JD Vance
• Jesus Christ
• Liane Cartman
• Mr. Adler
• PC Principal
• Peter Thiel
• Satan
• Scott Malkinson
• Strong Woman
• Peggy Rockbottom

Script

Twisted Christian
	School bell rings, uplifting music plays. In the hallway, Butters heads towards Clyde, Kenny and Tolkien.
Butters	Hey fellas, fellas. You wanna know what time I woke up this morning?
Clyde	What time?
Butters	Around 6-7! [Makes a hand gesture]
All	[While doing the hand gesture] 6-7!
	Butters rushes over to Annie.
Butters	Hey Annie, ladies. Did you guys do your homework last night? I tried to. But I got stuck on problem 6 and 7! [Performs the hand gesture again]
All	[Doing the hand gesture] 6-7!
Butters	Haha! [rushes over to Cartman] Hey Eric!
Cartman	I know Butters, I know. Don’t do it to me, it’s too funny.
Butters	But I just did 6-7 with Annie & Meagen at the same time!
Cartman	Yeah, 5 minutes ago I snuck up on Wendy and totally 6-7’d her from behind.
Butters	Wow!
Cartman	Hey Scott, how’s your diabetes, man?
Scott	My diabetes?
Cartman	Yeah, what’s your A1C at?
Scott	6.7! [6-7 hand gesture]
All	6-7! [6-7 hand gesture]
Cartman	Haha! Oh my god, so fucking funny.
	Cuts to the Gymnasium where all the students are sat.
PC Principal	All right everyone, listen up. I’ve got a lot of reports of disruptions in the classroom, and some satanic numerology shit going on. So I want to remind you - this is a power christian school, and I am a power christian principal, and we will be PC! So now I want you to hear from someone who is the authority on biblical prophecies. This person is an absolute expert on the end of days, and the coming of the Anti-Christ. Please welcome, Mr. Peter Thiel.
	Music starts playing while Peter dances his way over.
Peter Thiel	[Singing] I’m Peter Thiel and I know about the Anti-Christ. Let’s learn about the anti-christ today. today. Hello kids, I’m Peter Thiel, and I’m here to talk to you about the Anti-Christ!
	Small applause from Butters.
Peter Thiel	[Showing a slideshow] OK, so first, what is the Anti-Christ? The Anti-Christ is a newer, more human form of Satan that will soon walk the earth. We don’t know how soon it will walk the earth, but it could be within the next 6 to 7 weeks.
All Students	6-7! [6-7 hand gesture]
Peter Thiel	[Turns head ] O-K… er, you see Satan was a fallen angel, and God punished him, and to make sure Satan could never have offspring, the lord God did shrink Satan’s asshole, to the size of a tiny little pin-hole so nothing could ever penetrate and ejaculate inside of it. So, Satan could never have a butt-baby until along came Mr. Donald Trump, whose penis is soo teeny, teeny tiny, it can actually fit in Satan’s ass hole. How small is Donald Trump’s penis? Somewhere between 6 and 7 centimeters.
All Students	6-7! [6-7 hand gesture]
Peter Thiel	[Turns to face them again] Hey look,this is very important people, OK? The Anti-Christ is coming. The Bible refers to the evil, which refers to America, the fourth seal broken and hell coming to earth, it’s right here in Revelations: 6… 6-7.
All Students	6-7! [6-7 hand gesture]
Cartman	[Laughing]
	Cuts to Ready, Set, GROW, where pregnant mothers are learning ways to relax.
Yoga Instructor	Good, and breathe in through your nose… [Breathes in] and out through your mouth. In,2,3,4, and exhale,2,3,4. Good! Let your shoulders soften, let your jaw relax. Now gentle pressure on the hips as your partner exhales. Good. And-
Donald Trump	[Talking to Satan] This is so boring.
Satan	How about you shut up, and do your job.
Donald Trump	Ay, come on Satan, how about we just go home and fuck? We haven’t had sex in forever!
Satan	That’s because it’s bad for the baby.
Donald Trump	Yeah, then fuck the baby. This is stupid!
Satan	Did you just say fuck the baby?
Donald Trump	Ay, relax guy. I didn’t mean like really fuck the baby.
Satan	No. You know what? You can just go home, I’ll finish this myself. You can go home and jack off if you want.
	Cuts to the President’s office with mellow music playing. Trump takes off his pants and grabs a pair of tweezers to start jacking off with. JD Vance barges in, causing Trump to stop immediately in shock.
JD Vance	Hello boss!
Donald Trump	Wah, shit! [puts pants back on]
JD Vance	Good news, boss. We just shut down another abortion clinic.
Donald Trump	Oh yeah, great. That’s great.
JD Vance	Yes boss. You’ve made all the Christians so happy. Of course… there is still one clinic. That will still perform abortions… right here in town…
Donald Trump	There is?
JD Vance	Oh yes, how unfortunate that some babies… will not be able to be born.
	Trump grins, a new idea has hit him.
JD Vance	As Christians, we can’t allow this to continue. Perhaps, you should go speak with this abortion clinic doctor personally.
Donald Trump	Yeah. Yeah!
	Cuts to PC Principal’s office, where he is sat lifting a dumbbell. Someone knocks on the door.
PC Principal	Come in.
Jesus	[Enters] PC Principal, do you have a minute?
PC Principal	Sure Jesus, what do you need?
Jesus	I’m starting to wonder if I really fit in here.
PC Principal	Of course you fit in. This school has been a zest-pool of heathen, left-wing little bitches, and only our faith is gonna set them right.
Jesus	Could I ask… exactly what branch of Christianity are you?
PC Principal	The kind who loves his country and doesn’t tolerate any fucking fags.
Jesus	Yeah, see, I really think I don’t belong here.
PC Principal	Look, I understand it’s a tough transition. You know, the Vice Principal here had the same conflict as you. But she’s really come around.
Jesus	The Vice Principal? Your wife?
PC Principal	That’s right. [Talks to the speaker on his desk] Could you send in Strong Christian Woman please? She was saying the same thing that this wasn’t a place for her anymore but just this last weekend she converted to Christianity.
	Strong Woman knocks on the door.
Strong Woman	You wanted to see me?
PC Principal	Yeah, Strong Christian Woman, I was just telling Jesus about our faith.
Strong Woman	Oh yes, it’s been such a blessing.
PC Principal	She converted on Saturday. What do you think, huh? You ever seen a more Christian chick in your fucking life?
Jesus	Nnnever.
PC Principal	Look, I know it’s a hard adjustment, but just stick with it, and you’re gonna fit in here just fine, Jesus.
	Cuts to Cartman’s house. Cartman is sat at the table while Liane dishes up dinner.
Cartman	[Snickers, clears throat, muttering to himself while continuing to chuckle]
Liane	[Sits down at the table] Everything go good at school today honey?
Cartman	Yep. Yep. School was good. School was pretty good. [Continues trying to hold in his laughter]
Liane	Is everything okay, honey?
Cartman	Everything’s fine. Everything’s fine. Er, mom, can I- can I ask you something?
Liane	Sure, Eric.
Cartman	Do you know um- [giggles] Do you know on average er, at what age does kids lose their baby teeth?
Liane	Oh, I’m not sure Eric. I guess usually around 6,7?
Cartman	[Laughs while doing the 6-7 hand gesture] Okay [Laughs]
Liane	Eric, what?
Cartman	No, no. Nothing, nothing. I’m sorry. [Clears throat] I’m sorry. I was just um, I was just um [Clears throat again] I was just thinking about your menstrual cycle.
Liane	My menstrual cycle?
Cartman	Yeah, I was just wondering, when you actually menstrate, mom, um, like, roughly, how many days does that last
Liane	Well, Eric, it’s usually around 6 to 7 days that a woman-
Cartman	[Laughs uncontrollably while doing the 6-7 hand gesture again]
	Cartman rushes upstairs to the bathroom to vomit. Liane rushes upstairs to check on him.
Liane	Eric? Sweetie? [Enters the bathroom] Eric, what is going on? This keeps happening.
Cartman	Mom, mom, you got to tell me something…
Liane	Of course honey.
Cartman	Roughly how many nights [clears throat] have I been throwing up my dinner?
Liane	I don’t know, Eric. It’s probably been 6 or 7 nights and-
	Cartman laughs and immediately vomits again. The scene cuts to the Counselor’s office, with Jesus sitting, and contemplating. PC Principal then shows up.
PC principal	Hey Jesus, get your stuff, man. We’re going out for drinks.
Jesus	What?
PC Principal	Look, I know it’s been hard for you to adjust here and everything. So, my wife and I were talking and we found a nice Christian lady we’re going to set you up with.
Jesus	Ohh, I don’t think so. Thanks, but-
PC Principal	Oh, come on man. She’s a really great woman, and she just converted to Christianity. My wife met her at the same place she became Christian.
	Cuts to a restaurant.
Peggy	So then I was like, you know what? I need a new direction in my life. It’s like I just got so sick of everyone being such a pussy all the time. And all this woke garbage, and women trying to be men. So I just started reading the bible, you know? I mean I didn’t actually read the bible but I listened to a lot of podcasts. And once I went through my transition I was like “This is great!”. Only now guys are always checking out my Christianity.
Jesus	Sorry, could you all excuse me? I need to go to the bathroom.
PC Principal	Sure thing Jesus.
	Jesus gets up and walks away.
Peggy	He seems nice.
	In the bathroom, Jesus walks to the sink with has hand pinching his forehead. He looks in a mirror and exhales. Scene cuts to Planned Parenthood with people are sat, waiting for their appointment.
Clinic Staff	Miss Davidson? Miss Coco-Slutty Davidson?
Donald Trump	Oh yeah, that’s me! I’m Coco-Slutty Davidson. I came here to get an abortion.
	The Staff and Trump walk to the Operation room.
Clinic Staff	The doctor’s right in here… Ma’am.
Donald Trump	Hey Doc!
	He takes off his pants and hops onto the bed, exposing his genitalia and anus, and waits for the Staff to leave.
Donald Trump	Alright, listen. I need an abortion, but it’s not for me. It’s for my partner. And you can’t tell anyone, not even my partner.
Abortion Doctor	How am I supposed to do that?
Donald Trump	Well, you’re gonna come with me, see? And we’re gonna sneak into my house, and you’re gonna suck that thing out while everyone’s asleep.
Abortion Doctor	Your house wouldn’t happen to be white, would it?
Donald Trump	Hey! How do you know THAT?
Abortion Doctor	Look Mr. President, I’ve seen the news. If you got Satan pregnant, that’s your responsibility.
Donald Trump	Well, it’s your responsibility now. Or else I’ll sue you, how 'bout that?
Abortion Doctor	Even if I wanted to help you sir, I have no idea how to perform an abortion on the offspring of Satan. With that, you need some sort of expert on the Anti-Christ.
	Peter Thiel’s theme begins playing and it the scene cuts to the school hallway where he is strolling towards the teacher conference room.
Peter Thiel	[Singing] I’m Peter Thiel and I know about the Anti-Christ [Walks over to take a seat] Alright, listen. You people have a very serious problem here. Your students appear to be in some sort of cult involving the number 6 and 7.
PC Principal	Alright, what should we do?
Peter Thiel	I’m going to need access to all your school’s private data. School records, health records, and of course, all security cameras.
Jesus	Oh no, look I don’t think we need-
Mr. Adler	Is this really what we’ve come to? Freely handing people personal data over to some tech-billionaire preaching some shit about the bible?
PC Principal	You got a problem with Jesus, bro?
Mr. Adler	Come on man, you became a Christian like 3 months ago.
PC Principal	Yeah, I’ve got fucking faith dude. What do you have, you little bitch? Wanna throw down, bro?
Jesus	Okay, hey, hey, hey-
PC Principal	You wanna see what it feels like to talk shit about Christians, dude? [Starts punching Mr. Adler] I’ll kick your heathen ass bro!
	Cuts to Cartman in a scanner room at the hospital. Where he tries to contain his laughter.
Doctor	Alright, just try to be still, Eric.
Cartman	Doctor, can I ask you a question?
Doctor	Of course?
Cartman	About how long… do you need me to be still?
Doctor	Just about 10 seconds, Eric.
Cartman	Okay… so how long now?
Doctor	Just about 6,7 seconds, Eric-
Cartman	[Laughs uncontrollably while doing the 6-7 hand gesture while throwing up.]}]
	The doctor looks at Liane in shock. Eric ends up in a hospital bed with the doctor and Liane stood.
Doctor	I’m sorry Mrs. Cartman, but I can’f pin-point the source of his illness. If he continues to vomit this much daily, I’m afraid it could be life-threatening.
Cartman	But doctor, if I’m not able to keep any food down, roughly how long would it take- roughly how long would it take a human body to die?
Doctor	Eric, I’m gonna be very honest with you. Without sufficient nutrients, the body will shuts down after 6 or 7 weeks-
Cartman	[Laughs uncontrollably and vomits again]
	Cuts to the Counselor’s office, where Peter Thiel is with Jesus, and PC Principal.
Jesus	Excuse me, that’s my computer.
Peter Thiel	Yes. And your computer has all the personal data of the students here.
PC Principal	It’s okay Jesus, Peter Thiel knows what he’s doing.
Peter Thiel	I’ve downloaded all the students’ information, and loaded them onto an AI facial recognition software, so the school security cameras can watch their every move. Now look, two students passing each other in the hallway. They give each other the sign; 6-7. Exactly 67 seconds later, this odd parka-wearing child makes the same gesture. And then, inside the girls bathroom, two girls doing the same thing.
Jesus	Wait, why is there a camera inside the girls bathroom?
Peter Thiel	To stop the Anti-Christ. Now I’m following the lead on this girl here. She went home to 67 Mala Vista Drive. Going through her family’s medical record, I’ve also found that her father has testicular cancer, and 67 days ago, had one testicle removed.
Jesus	That really feels like none of our business.
Peter Thiel	I don’t know how I’m supposed to work with nosey Nancy peering over my shoulder all the time.
PC Principal	Jesus, let’s you and me have a quick chin-wiggle out in the hall.
	Peter waits for the two to leave, then calls JD Vance
Peter Thiel	I’m getting close. I almost have the key to stop it from happening.
JD Vance	We are running out of time, Mr. Thiel. The Anti-Christ is coming. Satan is shopping for baby strollers as we speak.
Peter Thiel	If I’m going to learn what these numbers mean, I’m going to need access to every government database.
JD Vance	You will have it Mr. Thiel. Nothing is more important than making sure this baby is not born.
	Cuts to Jesus and PC Principal sat in the Gymnasium.
PC Principal	Look man, I know it’s tough. But you gotta understand that drastic times calls for drastic measures.
Jesus	I just don’t feel good about treating people this way. I think the most important thing still has to be loving and respecting each other.
PC Principal	Alright man, I need to ask you something, and I need you to tell me the truth… Are you a fag?
Jesus	No, that has nothing to do with it. I just-
PC Principal	Are you fucking sure?
Jesus	I’m just trying to say that I’m really confused right now.
PC Principal	Okay, but confused as in you’re attracted to dudes? Or like-
Jesus	Like how we can just change everything about who we are.
PC Principal	I think you still just don’t understand what Christians today are about… Come on, I think there’s someone you should talk to.
	Cuts to The Cheesecake Factory restaurant.
Peggy	Oh yes, the Anti-Christ, I listened to a lot of podcasts about that. Everyone keeps saying the Anti-Christ is coming. But I’m like “He already did! I was married to him in 2018!”. But seriously, if he saw how Christian I was now, he’d probably shit his pants. Don’t be jealous. He’s so funny.
	Cuts to the Whitehouse bedroom, where Trump is in bed with Satan, who is sleeping.
Donald Trump	Hey… Heyyy Satan.[Grabs a pair of chopsticks and starts jacking off, before getting interrupted by JD Vance who barges in]
JD Vance	Hey boss!
Donald Trump	Ah, fuck, shit!
JD Vance	Oh, sorry boss, I did not know Satan was sleeping.
Donald Trump	Yeah, that’s all he ever does anymore.
JD Vance	Poor boss, if you’re going to jack off, shall I fetch you a cum-rag?
Donald Trump	Ay, I wasn’t jacking off!
JD Vance	Sure thing, boss. I’ll go fetch you a cum-rag!
	JD Vance heads to the bathroom, and calls Peter Thiel.
JD Vance	What is taking you so long?
Peter Thiel	I’m very close to finding the secret to the numbers. I’ve narrowed it down to one little boy who seems more possessed than the others.
JD Vance	Then deal with him. And keep it quiet. No one can know that we’re working together. When I become President, I will give you full access to everyone’s data.
Peter Thiel	I’ve already spoken with the mother, and I’m on my way now to face the child.
	Eerie version of Peter Thiel’s theme plays while Peter pulls up at Cartman’s house
Peter Thiel	[Singing] I’m Peter Thiel, and I know about the Anti-Christ. TODAY. Is your son home?
Liane	Yes Mr. Thiel. He’s right upstairs.
	Cartman is in bed, with patches of sick on his face. He giggles and struggles to stop laughing. Peter Thiel enters and walks to the side of his bed.
Peter Thiel	Eric, I’m Peter Thiel, I’m here to help our country.
Cartman	Okay.
Peter Thiel	I came to see you… in a Uber, Eric.
	Cartman begins snickering again.
Peter Thiel	Would you like to know how long it took me to get here?
Cartman	How long?
Peter Thiel	It took… around 6-7 minutes on-
	Cartman immediately vomits on Peter’s face before laughing
Cartman	No way! No way! [Continues laughing and vomits on Peter’s face again]
	Cuts back to the Cheescake Factory.
Peggy	You know, they’re all just a bunch of libtards anyways! I know what’s up, I listen to podcasts. You wanna know who I think the Anti-Christ is? Greta Thunberg. With her stupid haircut, and her dumb bangs. Someone should yank out whatever’s up her ass.
Jesus	[Stands up] I can’t. I just CAN’T. [Walks to the bathroom]
	In the bathroom
PC Principal	Everything alright?
Jesus	No, everything’s NOT alright. I don’t know what I’m doing here!
PC Principal	You’re trying to get with the program, bro. Peggy Rockbottom is a hot Christian girl. Now stop acting gay!
Jesus	Look, I don’t know what you think Christianity is. But it has nothing to do with THAT.
PC Principal	What are you saying?
Jesus	I’m saying that you, and a lot of other people seem to have a very warped sense of what Christianity is.
PC Principal	Are you questioning my faith? [Takes off shirt] You wanna fucking go?
Jesus	No, I don’t want to fucking go.
PC Principal	You got a problem bro?
Jesus	No I don’t have a problem, you actually have a problem. You need a way to bully people, and you’re using the bible to do it!
PC Principal	[Starts punchjng Jesus] You like that? You want some more?
	Jesus leaves the bathroom bruised with PC Principal following him.
Jesus	I’m not gonna fight you!
PC Principal	Damn right you won’t because you’re a gay little pussy!
	Jesus leaves the Cheesecake Factory and walks away, PC Principal exits and stays at the door.
PC Principal	Yeah, don’t come back, or you’re gonna get some more, bitch!
	Cuts back to Cartman’s house with Cartman laughing uncontrollably
Peter Thiel	Tell me what it means! The Lord Labored 6 days, and on the 7th, he rested! You will tell me the significance!
	Cuts to Peter Thiel and Liane downstairs.
Peter Thiel	There’s nothing more I can do here. I’ll have to take him to Washington DC.
Liane	Washington? Oh no, he can’t travel now, he’s very sick.
Peter Thiel	Your son is the key to saving our country Miss Cartman. Everything we hold dear could end. We have to unlock the secrets he holds. No matter what it takes.
	Sad music begins to play. Cuts to Jesus walking alone on the streets. He looks across to see the church. He stops for a minute, and continues to walk away. He suddenly halts again, before turning around and rolls up his sleeves to head back to the Cheesecake Factory. He walks up to PC Principal, and stares him down. Then reaches his arm out to Peggy and pulls her close to him. They both then leave.
PC Principal	Fuck yeah, Jesus!
	At home, Jesus cuts his robe sleeves off and shaves his beard while staring confidently in the mirror
Jesus	Let’s fucking go bro!
Peggy	Yeah! Yes!
	Ending credits.
End of Twisted Christian