Turkey Trot/Script

General

Trivia

Images

Script

Extras

"Sora Not Sorry/Script"

"Turkey Trot/Script"

"The Crap Out/Script"

Cast

• Mayor McDaniels
• Skeeter
• Randy Marsh
• Alexis Testaburger
• Tuong Lu Kim
• Mr. Mackey
• Stan Marsh
• Eric Cartman
• Kyle Broflovski
• Kenny McCormick
• Tolkien Black
• Harrison Yates
• Mitch Murphy
• Pete Hegseth
• Peter Thiel
• Donald Trump
• Kristi Noem
• Jimbo Kern
• Wendy Testaburger
• Betsy
• Red McArthur
• Nichole Daniels
• Stephen Stotch

Script

Turkey Trot
	South Park City Hall, the Chamber of Commerce has gathered for a meeting.
Mayor McDaniels	Alright people, it's almost Thanksgiving, and that means the annual Turkey Trot is nearly upon us. How is it that we haven't found one sponsor to help pay for this event?
Skeeter	South Park's just fallen on hard times, mayor. Nobody's got the money.
Randy	Tegridy Farms used to be a sponsor of the Turkey Trot, but as you know, we've recently all lost Tegridy. So I'm afraid we just can't help.
Alexis Testaburger	What about the City Pop-up Store? Can't they help sponsor this year's race?
Tuong Lu Kim	How shitty Asian pop-up pay for Turkey Trot? We gotta pay tariff! We're more fucked than anybody!
Randy	Let's just face it, mayor, South Park businesses are dying and a lot of good people have lost their jobs.
	The door opens and Mr. Mackey enters the room with janitor equipment.
Mr. Mackey	Trash? Anybody got trash?
Randy	[forming a ball with paper] Oh yeah, here's some, bank shot!
	Randy throws the trash at Mr. Mackey.
Mayor McDaniels	There has to be a solution, people. [gets up and walks towards a window] The Turkey Trot is the one time of year this town comes together as a community. We all need it now more than ever.
Skeeter	Well, of course there is someone who'd be willing to give South Park a bunch'a money. [the others look at each other] I mean, they're giving money to everyone else, why not us?
Mayor McDaniels	[turns around] My God ... that's it!
	A promotion with stock footage related to Thanksgiving starts playing.
Narrator	This Thanksgiving morning, lace up for holiday fun and tradition. It's the twenty-eight annual South Park Turkey Trot!
	Arabic music begins playing in the background.
Narrator	Sponsored by ... Saudi Arabia! [chanting]
	Stock footage of Saudi Arabians now is played in-between the Thanksgiving footage.
Narrator	It's a 5K race absolutely stuffed with Thanksgiving traditions. [chanting] And the first one across the finish line wins their team 5,000 dollars! [chanting] Sign up your team now - all ages are welcome! Disparaging remarks towards the Saudi Royal family are strictly prohibited. Start your Thanksgiving with this time-honored tradition. The South Park Turkey Trot! [chanting]
	The promotion finishes with an image of a Saudi Arabian waving and smiling into the camera, surrounded by the text "South Park Turkey Trot - 5K Run/Walk".
	South Park Elementary Cafeteria, the four boys are sitting at the lunch table.
Stan	$5,000, you guys. The winner of this year's Turkey Trot gets $5,000 from Saudi Arabia. Like, if anybody's gonna get money from Saudi Arabia, it should be us.
Kenny	(Yeah dude! Saudi Arabia.)
Kyle	And just one person has to win the race and your whole team gets the money?
Stan	Yeah!
Cartman	Dude, that is crazy!
Kenny	(We're gonna be rich as fuck!)
Stan	We should just get a bunch of kids on our team, and then the chances of one of us winning is way better.
Kyle	Yeah, but then you gotta split the prize money more ways.
Cartman	It's true, man. I say we keep our team to four, five runners, max.
Kyle	Nobody said we wanted you on the team.
Stan	Yeah, you kinda slow us down.
Cartman	Oh, no, no, no, trust me. You want me on the racing team. I happen to be an expert in race science, you guys. I know a way to give our team an optimal winning advantage.
	Cuts to Tolkien in the hallway, sorting his locker while Cartman walks over.
Cartman	Tolkien! Hey, man. Listen, I was, uh... I was just wondering whose team you're thinking of. being on for the big Turkey Trot?
Tolkien	Turkey Trot?
Cartman	You know, the big footrace, Thanksgiving morning? First place wins 5,000 bucks for his whole team.
Tolkien	Oh. I'm not really a runner.
Cartman	Yeah, right. Of course you're a runner, Tolkien. [Turns to Kyle, Stan, and Kenny] Sorry guys, just give me one second.
Stan	What the hell is he doing?
Kyle	I don't know.
Cartman	Alright, look, Tolkien, I'm a racing science expert, okay? The data shows your race always wins races.
	Tolkien slams his locker and walks off, Cartman runs to talk to him.
Cartman	Whoa, whoa, Tolkien, Tolkien. Come on, man, it's Thanksgiving. If you don't want to race for yourself, then do it for the needy— Kenny and Stan. I mean, Stan's family lost their home, dude. Those guys could really use the money. And all the analytics show that with you on the team, we can't lose. Could you- Could you just do it for Thanksgiving?
Tolkien	Alright, fine. [Walks away]
Cartman	Yes?! He said yes!
	Kyle and Stan look to each other in silence. Cuts to the Police Station with Harrison and Mitch.
Harrison Yates	Jesus Christ, Mitch. A $5,000 prize for the Turkey Trot? Everyone in town is gonna want to do this race.
Mitch Murphy	I was kind of thinking of signing the family up, sir. We could really use some of that Saudi Arabian dough.
Harrison Yates	Can't do it, Mitch. We're gonna be busy on race day.
Cop	Sir! The White house is calling again. They're demanding we release the prisoner.
Harrison Yates	Tell them we're busy.
Cop	But they said if we don't comply, they're gonna send in Pete Hegseth and the Department of War.
Harrison Yates	Who's Pete Hegseth?
	The doors bang open by two soldiers standing both sides holding their devices to record Pete spinning down a piece of rope.
Pete Hegseth	Yeah! Yeah! Hey what's up, guys? This is Pete Hegseth with the Department of War! We're here to infiltrate this police station and extract a POI 'cause that's what we do! [barks, before walking up to Yates.] At ease, soldier! The President of the United States orders you to release custody of the prisoner to me immediately.
Peter Thiel	[Behind bars] I warned you I had powerful friends.
Harrison Yates	Yeah, well, Totoro still has to be processed and seen by a judge. And we have a big Turkey Trot to deal with, so it's gonna be a few days.
Pete Hegseth	Hey man, I don't think you understand. You're messing with the Department of War! [Whips out selfie stick to livestream himself] And we mean business. We don't stand down for anyone! Be sure to like and subscribe. Alright, let's do this! [barks again]
Harrison Yates	Alright, I certainly don't want to tangle with you guys. [Gets up and walks to Hegseth] How about you just push the secret button in the floor over here and the jail cell doors will all open.
Pete Hegseth	The secret button? [Bends over to check]
Harrison Yates	Yeah, it's in the floor. Right there, you see it? It's right THERE it is! [Kicks him in the rear]
Pete Hegseth	[Whines while tumbling over and struggles to get up.]
Harrison Yates	Now get your little bitch ass out of my town.
Pete Hegseth	Oh, you... I dare you to do that again!
	Gets kicked out of the Police station, literally. Cuts to The Community Center where people sign up for the race.
Receptionist	Okay, and did you already register your racing team online?
Jimbo	Yeah, it's, uh, Jimbo and Ned. We're racing with Kiwanis Gun Club.
Receptionist	Yes, here you go. Good luck with the race, Happy Thanksgiving! And [speaks in Arabic]
Mr. Mackey	[Talking to another receptionist] Uh, it's Mackey. Mr. Mackey, mkay.
Receptionist 2	Okay, Mr. Mackey, and how many on your team?
Mr. Mackey	Oh, I'm not on no team, mkay. I need that sweet Saudi Arabian money all for myself.
	The boys are with Tolkien in the Community Center after just signing up.
Kyle	Alright, you guys, we got our racing numbers.
Stan	Damn, dude, there's so many people signing up. How are we ever gonna win?
Cartman	Don't worry,you guys, I've been scoping out the competition. That group over there is the Rotary Club. They won last year, but they're all, like, old now. Over there is the City Pop Up team. The race science says they'll race smart, but not necessarily fast, so we're good there.
Wendy	Oh hey, Stan. You gonna do the Turkey Trot this year?
Stan	Yeah. You guys are too?
Betsy	Hell yeah, we are! $5,000!
Cartman	Oh yeah, I'm sure all four of you ladies have a really awesome chance of winning.
Red	There's actually five of us.
Nichole	[Walks up to them] Hey guys, what's up?
	Cartman's eyes widen in fear.
Wendy	Well, we'll see you at the race. [Leaves with her team]
Kyle	Alright, see ya!
Cartman	They're teaching race science to girls now? What the hell kind of country are we living in?
	Cuts to Pete Hegseth in a helicopter filming an advertisement.
Pete Hegseth	[Narrating] Commitment! Strength! The ability to obliterate our enemies! That is the Department of War! What's up, guys? I'm Pete Hegseth. We're outside this woke liberal town that is actually defying our government! And nobody defies the Department of War! Pete Hegseth will do whatever it takes! I'm here to kick bubblegum and chew ass! And I'm all outta ass. I'll do whatever's necessary to get the job done! [Phone rings] Oh yeah, look at that! [Shows phone] That's the President of the United States calling me, right now! Yes, Mr. President?
Donald Trump	[In the White house] Hegseth! What the fuck are you doing? Did you get Peter Thiel?
Pete Hegseth	No, sir, we were unable to extract the prisoner. We were met with resistance from the woke local police force.
Donald Trump	God damn it, we gave you one job to do! We need Peter Thiel here at the White house.
Pete Hegseth	I'm gonna need the full might of the Department of War! I'll need all our tanks and guns and dudes!
Donald Trump	Then you've got it. Just get us the prisoner, no matter what it takes!
Pete Hegseth	Hell yeah!
Donald Trump	And Hegseth, don't just make a bunch of content. Like, actually go and do something.
Pete Hegseth	[Looks back and forth from their stream video before quietly speaking] Be sure to like and subscribe, guys. Yes, sir, Mr. President! I will make this town pay! [Winks at the camera]
Donald Trump	God, he is such a douchebag.
Pete Hegseth	Alright, men, we'll have a full army here by tomorrow. And then that smalltown cop is gonna see he messed with the wrong guy.
	Next morning, everyone is readying up for the Turkey Trot race.
News Reporter	It's the morning of the big race, and all of South Park appears to have turned out in the spirit of community. People are putting on their numbers and rocking out their festive costumes. I'm with Police Chief Harris, and Chief, your guys have been working overtime.
Harrison Yates	Yeah, well, we just want to make sure everyone has a safe Thanksgiving morning. We want people to stay hydrated and be responsible. Let's have a good Turkey Trot.
News Reporter	Now, of course, there's a lot of money on the line for the team of the race winner. And so some people are turning to race science. [Walks to Cartman]
Cartman	That's right, you know, a lot of people these days want to debunk science. You know, vaccine's cause autism. Jet fuel leaves chemtrails. But when it comes to racing science, it's science.
New Reporter	Certainly a lot of runners hoping to cash in today, so may the best Turkey win.
	Cuts to Stan, Kenny, and Kyle getting ready for the race.
Cartman	Alright, you guys ready to run? We got this. Come on team, let's go! Where's Tolkien?
Kyle	Oh, you didn't hear?
Cartman	I didn't hear what?
Stan	Tolkien says he's not gonna race.
Cartman	What do you mean Tolkien's not going to race?
Stan	He said because it's being sponsored by Saudi Arabia, he's bowing out for political reasons.
Cartman	Are you fucking joking?!
Kyle	No.
Cartman	God damn it, wait here!
	Cartman runs off. Cuts to The mayor making an announcement.
Mayor McDaniels	Welcome, everyone to the 28th annual South Park Turkey Trot!
Crowd	[Cheering with applauses]
Mayor McDaniels	This is a wonderful turnout, and I'm sure you'll all help me in thanking this year's sponsor, Saudi Arabia
	Two arabs walk up while the audience cheers. Pete Hegseth is spying on them from out of town, in the bushes.
Pete Hegseth	Holy shit. Holy shit, we've got an Antifa uprising! [Turns around and tosses his helmet aside] Alright, Department of War, listen up! The people of this town are starting an insurrection! But they will not stand in the of us getting our man!
	Cartman knocks on Tolkien's house
Cartman	Tolkien![Continues knocking] Tolkien? [Knocks more] Tolkien! [Enters the house to see Tolkien on the couch] Dude, what the hell are you doing?
Tolkien	Playing "Arc Raiders".
Cartman	The guys said you're not gonna race because it's being sponsored by Saudi Arabia?
Tolkien	Yeah, just doesn't feel right.
Cartman	"It doesn't feel right"?
Tolkien	Yeah, doesn't feel right.
Cartman	"It doesn't feel right"?! What, Tolkien, you don't like that Saudi Arabia is buying American stuff? They're trying to be progressive, okay? You want them to go back to what they what they were doing? You want Saudi Arabia to just go back to cutting people up and paying Kevin Hart? Is that what you want?
Tolkien	I can't see the screen.
Cartman	[Moves out the way] Tolkien, you can't whine about a country trying to come into the 21st century. Them wanting to help pay for American things is good. 'Cause guess what? If Saudi Arabia is out paying for sporting events, they're not out hacking up reporters and inviting Pete Davidson to come do comedy.
	Cuts to the race where everyone is at the starting line.
Mayor McDaniels	Alright, everyone, on your mark... [tension builds while people stare at each other] get set...
	shows more familiar racers getting ready to run. The Mayor fire the gun. Cuts to Hegseth whoe sees the gunshot.
Pete Hegseth	Holy shit! Shots fired! Shots fired! [Ducks and covers behind the tank] Get set up over there! We need content! Now! [Livestreaming himself] What's up, guys? Pete Hegseth, Department of War. We are being fired upon! There's an uprising here. Some kind of insurrection. Make sure to like and subscribe!
	Shows the people racing and cheering. Cuts back to Hegseth.
Pete Hegseth	You can hear the liberal terrorists all screaming and chanting behind us. We're gonna take 'em on! Just another day in the Department of War! Let's move out!
	Cuts to Cartman and Tolkien again
Cartman	Did you know that since 2018, they actually allow women to drive in Saudi Arabia? They allow women to drive! It's like practically a lesbian utopia over there.
Tolkien	Can you please just let me enjoy my Thanksgiving morning?
Cartman	Oh yeah, sure, who cares about lesbian utopia? Not Tolkien. Tolkien wants Saudi Arabia to just keep chopping off gay people's heads. That's way better, isn't it? You're being a dick, bro!
Tolkien	Go away!
Cartman	Alright, Tolkien. You know what? [Walks to the Xbox] Fine. If you really don't want to be a part of our country embracing Saudi Arabia's desire to change, then we don't need you. [Unplugs Tolkien's Xbox and darts away.]
Tolkien	Hey! [Chases Cartman, who leaves the house] Hey, gimme back my Xbox!
Cartman	[Stops to turn] Come get it, asshole!
	Tolkien continues to chase Cartman. Cuts to the crowd of people racing.
Tuong Lu Kim	Come on. Come on, we gotta get that money.
	Cuts to Hegseth with a plan map.
Pete Hegseth	The rioting terrorists appear to be advancing north, northeast. Our plan, gentlemen, is to intercept them at this location here, and get as much content as we possibly can. It's quite possible we'll also be needing to get content in this area, so be ready. Third Battalion, you'll be posting up here. I want you posting on Instagram and Twitter. Alpha Team post here. Bravo Team content there.
	Sirens interrupt as ICE pulls up, exiting the vehicles.
Kristi Noem	[On a radio] Alright, everyone, stand by. At ease, soldier. We heard there's a civilian uprising.
Pete Hegseth	Yeah, we don't need Homeland Security's help. We got it.
Kristi Noem	We're just here to assist in any way we can. That's what Homeland Security does. Be sure to like and subscribe, guys. We've got a-
Pete Hegseth	Oh no, no, no, no, no. This is not your content. [Nudges her aside] Everyone like and subscribe to Department of War!
	Cuts back to the racers at a bridge, Stan panting trying to keep going.
Mr. Mackey	Come on. Come on. You got this. I got it.
	Tolkien and Cartman are near the back of the racers. Cartman pants as he struggles to run.
Tolkien	God damn it! Gimme my Xbox!
Cartman	Tolkien, how can you not catch up to me? [pants] You're not even trying!
Tolkien	I am trying! I told you!... I'm not a runner!
Cartman	Yes you are! Will you stop fucking around?
	Cuts back to the other racers continuing the run while ICE is on top a building nearby.
Kristi Noem	[On a radio] Homeland Security to Department Of War. The protesters are headed your way.
Pete Hegseth	[At the other end of the radio] Stand down, Homeland Security. This is our content.
Kristi Noem	There's too many of 'em! [Holding a sniper rifle]
	Dog barks and Kristi doesn't hesitate to cap it's ass. Cuts back to the racers running onward, while the whole Department of War blocks the way.
Pete Hegseth	Here they come. Everyone hold your positions! Department of War will not be intimidated! [The racers keep running] hold... hooold... [loads weapon] fire the tear gas! Yeah!!
	Cannister hits the ground, gas immediately floods the area causing people to stop and cough.
Stan	[Coughing] Dude. Dude, which way are we supposed to go?
Mr. Mackey	I can't... I can't see nothing.
Cartman	Tolkien? Tolkien!
Tolkien	[coughing] Where the hell did you go?!
	Cuts to the end of the race track where Yates notices the conundrum. Randy rushes into the Tweek Bros. Coffee building.
Randy	What the hell's going on?
Skeeter	We don't know.
Randy	Well, how the hell are we supposed to race if they've blocked the road?
	Someone bangs on the door before sliding down, falling unconscious.
Stephen	Look, all I know is that the Stotch family is in big financial trouble this year. We have to reach that finish line.
Tuong Lu Kim	You think you fucked? We gotta pay tariff! That prize money is our only chance.
Randy	Does anyone have a Turkey Trot route map?
Mr. Mackey	Yeah, I've got one here.
Randy	Alright, let's see. [Randy takes the map and opens it up to show everyone] So if this area's all blocked off, then our best chance at getting to the finish line is detouring through here.
Mr. Mackey	No, no, we should go this way through the underpass.
Stephen	Are you crazy? That's too much of a shortcut. We could get disqualified!
Randy	All that matters is that it's okay with Saudi Arabia. Would going this way be okay with Saudi Arabia?
Racer	There's no way to be sure of what Saudi Arabia wants. All I know is I need their money. So I'm gonna go out there and take my chances.
	Plays '80s rock music while Hegseth is in a helicopter filming more content.
Pete Hegseth	What's up, guys? Pete Hegseth, Department of War. We've got the Narco terrorists on the run and we're gonna take 'em out! Yeah!
	Plays "Pete Hegseth is a Fucking Douche" while he tackles people and ties them up. He continues to stream himself assaulting people and begins firing a gun in the air before being interrupted by Yates and Murphy in a cop car.
Harrison Yates	Alright, buddy. I don't know what you think you're doing, but I'm pretty sure I told you to get the hell out of my town.
Pete Hegseth	[Scoffs] Oh yeah? Well, what do you think you're gonna do about it?
	Yates and Murphy look at each other. The scene cuts to Cartman, surrounded by the tear gas.
Cartman	Hello?... Hello? Anybody?
Tolkien	[Tackles Cartman] Give me my Xbox!
Cartman	Ah!!
	Tolkien picks up his Xbox.
Cartman	What is your problem, man? You could've made this an amazing Thanksgiving. [coughs] For Stan. For Kenny. But you just wanna play games.
Tolkien	[Coughs] For the last time, just because I'm Black doesn't mean I run fast!
Cartman	Yes, you do. You just weren't trying because you have a problem with Saudi Arabia joining the global community.
Tolkien	That has nothing to do with you being a racist.
Cartman	Oh, I'm a racist? You want Saudi Arabia to just keep stuffing journalists into suitcases, but I'm the racist!
Tolkien	[Backs up] I'm going home.
Cartman	Okay, fine, forget it.
Tolkien	Yeah, I will forget it! And I can think whatever I want! [Continues to back up without realising the finish line is behind him]
Cartman	Okay, you're right, Tolkien.
Tolkien	Yeah, I know I'm right!
Cartman	Okay, that's cool. Have a good Thanksgiving, man.
Tolkien	I will have a good Thanksgiving 'cause I won't be listening to your stupid bullshit!
Cartman	Yeah, sounds good. Enjoy the holidays with your loved ones.
	Tolkien walks into the finish line, and takes a minute to process what he just did.
Tolkien	Oh, goddamn it.
Cartman	Yes! Race science! Race science!!
	Everyone is gathered round for the Mayor's announcement.
Mayor McDaniels	On behalf of the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia and His Royal Highness Mohammed bin Salman Al Saud, this year's Turkey Trot grand prize goes to the team of South Park's very own Tolkien Black!
	Upbeat Saudi Arabian music plays while two arabs hand a check to Tolkien. People cheer and applaud.
Stan	We did it, dude!
	Cuts to the Police Station.
Harrison Yates	It's right there, you see it? It's right THERE! [Kicks Hegseth over while he groans] There you go, almost there.
	Murphy opens the cell door as Yates kicks Hegseth into it. Murphy shuts it behind him.
Harrison Yates	Alright guys, that about wraps it up. Let's get home and eat some turkey.
Pete Hegseth	You son of a bitch! The President will come for us!
Harrison Yates	Yeah, maybe so. Judge will see you Monday. [Leaves with the other cops]
Pete Hegseth	South Park's gonna pay for this. They're all gonna pay.
	Rolls credits while playing "Pete Hegseth is a Fucking Douche".
End of Turkey Trot