The Woman In The Hat/Script

General

Trivia

Images

Script

Extras

"Twisted Christian/Script"

"The Woman In The Hat/Script"

"Sora Not Sorry/Script"

Our community needs more information on this page! Can you help out? Click here to add more.

Cast

• Donald Trump
• Eric Cartman
• JD Vance
• Kenny McCormick
• Kyle Broflovski
• Kyle Schwartz
• Marvin Marsh
• Pam Bondi
• Peter Thiel
• Randy Marsh
• Satan
• Stan Marsh
• Stephen Miller

Script

The Woman In The Hat
	School bell rings and the children leave in excitement. Cuts straight to Randy in the car with Stan, driving home.
Randy	How was school today, bud?
Stan	It was fine.
Randy	Look, Stan, I know it’s been hard for you the past month without us having a home.
Stan	Yeah, it sucks.
Randy	I’ve tried to find work but there’s just not a lot out there. And with the Government shutdown I can’t get my job back with the U.S.G.S. Times are hard, and I know we all miss Tegridy.
Stan	I don’t miss Tegridy dad. I just hate that our family is living in a Motel. It’s really embarrassing.
Randy	Well, that’s what I need to tell you, Stan. There’s some good news. We’re moving out of the Motel.
Stan	Wait, really?? We can live in a house again?!
Randy	Well, no, we can’t afford to live in a house again, so, we’re moving in with your Grandpa.
Stan	Moving in with Grandpa?
	Cuts to Shady Acres Retirement Community, where the Marshes are moving into Marvin Marsh’s room.
Marvin	This is a bunch of bullcrap! First you all stick me in this place, and then you all come along?
Randy	Pretty nice, huh, guys? There’s a TV, a microwave, and we have Bingo on Thursdays!
Stan	There has to be somewhere else we can live.
Randy	Come on Stan, you have that place over there by Grandpa’s Shitpan.
Stan	You can’t make me stay here, this is completely inhumane!
Marvin	That’s what I said. Didn’t work.
	Cuts to the Whitehouse, where a digger drives over the fountain causing the fountain to break. Trump and Satan are watching as the construction workers are tearing down a wall of the Whitehouse.
Construction Worker	Okay, so then over here is where you’re gonna have the big golden pillars that you guys wanted.
Donald Trump	Oh yeah, that’s great!
Construction Worker	Okay, then right over here is where we’re gonna put your dance floor.
Donald Trump	[Dances] Alright!
Satan	Wait, dance floor? I thought we were knocking the East-Wing down to make room for the Nursery?
Donald Trump	The what?
Satan	The Nursery? You said all this remodeling was for the baby. Not to make room for more of your stupid parties!
Donald Trump	Ay, relax, guy! We can just stick the baby in the bathroom or something.
Satan	WOW. Okay, so obviously I have no say in this remodel.
Dan Scavino	Mr. President, sir! I’m very sorry, but we need to speak with you urgently. It’s a matter of National Security.
	Zooms into Trump’s face. before cutting to the lounge, where they’re sat for a short meeting.
Dan Scavino	We don’t want to frighten you Mr. President but we’ve received intelligence that someone might be trying to stop your baby from being born.
Satan	What? WHO?
Donald Trump	Heyy, relax, guy!
Dan Scavino	We don’t know who yet, sir but Pam Bondi has been looking into it.
Pam Bondi	That’s right sir, we won’t let any harm come to the baby of the greatest President that ever lived. You are without equal sir
Dan Scavino	oh, hey Pam…
Pam Bondi	And we are honored to be-
Dan Scavino	Pam, Pam sorry, you got a little shit on your nose there.
Pam Bondi	Oh, do I? [rubs her nose] Did I get it?
Dan Scavino	No, it’s still there.
Satan	If someone is trying to harm the baby, then we must know who.
Stephen Miller	Well, there is one theory… [Suspense] some people believe that by demolishing the East-Wing, we may have unleashed some sort of… wrath.
Donald Trump	What kind of wrath?
Stephen Miller	Vengeful… wrath.
	Suspenseful music plays while thunder crackles. Cuts to the Motor Inn where Peter Thiel receives a phone call.
Peter Thiel	What the hell is going on, I was supposed to be in Washington.
JD Vance	There has been a change in plan, Mr. Thiel. They are onto us at the Whitehouse.
Peter Thiel	But how? How did they find out?
JD Vance	Someone must’ve heard us talking. Do you still have the child?
Peter Thiel	Yes, he’s still here. I have him heavily sedated. It should last another 6,7 hours.
Cartman	[asleep on the bed] 6-7… [6-7 hand gesture]
Peter Thiel	But I can’t keep him here forever.
JD Vance	You’ll just have to wait until it’s safe. I think some brown-noser here is after my job.
	Tension increases, cuts to the Shady Acres Retirement Community where Kyle and Kenny knock on the front door.
Stan	[Opens door] Hey… come on in…
	Inside, the boys are sat at a table together, while lunch gets server to the elderly.
Stan	You guys can’t tell anybody that I’m living here.
Kyle	Stan, you shouldn’t be embarrassed, alright? Everyone’s having a hard time right now.
Stan	Yeah, everyone’s having a hard time. And you know what the problem is?? Nobody’s doing anything about it. How many weeks has it been now, dealing with one stupid thing after another? The truth is, I think a lot of people are just afraid to admit that South Park sucks now.
Kyle	South Park sucks now?
Stan	Yeah! Everybody knows it. South Park sucks now, and it’s because of all this political shit. We’re just getting totally bombed down on it. Remember when we used to do stuff? just us guys? Ever since all this political crap took over, it’s like, what? Like, like what happened to us? Like, Kenny, I haven’t heard you sat anything in like, four months.
Kenny	[Muffled] Well, what the hell do you want me to say, dude?
Stan	You see, that’s what I mean! We don’t even know what to say! South Park is getting ruined, and all these Gen Alpha kids are just sitting here, watching it happen.
Kyle	You’re right, dude.
Kenny	YEAH.
Kyle	But what do we do?
Stan	[Hops down from his seat] I know exactly what to do.
	Cuts to outside with the 3 filming an advertisement.
Stan	Hey guys, are you sick and tired of what’s happening to our town? Do you feel like it’s broken and going nowhere? Then click below and join our online community at SouthParkSucksNow. Things are clearly not right here, and if you’re like us, you are fed up.
Kyle	South Park sucks now!
Stan	So please, like and subscribe, and smash the button, upvote, whatever the hell you need to do! Because together, we CAN make a difference!
	Cuts to The Whitehouse where Trump is at his desk with Dan & Pam.
Dan Scavino	Mr. President, we don’t want you to be afraid. Tell us exactly what it is that you think you saw.
Donald Trump	Ever since I tore down the East-Wing there’s this, this thing… that keeps appearing.
Dan Scavino	What kind of thing?
Donald Trump	Sometimes, I see it in the mirror, or in the hallway.
Pam Bondi	President Trump, you are an incredible man. Whatever this is, we have your back.
Dan Scavino	Oh, Pam, Pam you got some shit on your nose again.
Pam Bondi	Ugh, really? [Rubs her nose]
Dan Scavino	Mr. President, this entity you speak of, how many times has it appeared?
Donald Trump	It appears, more and more lately. I can’t get away from it. It’s everywhere I go. [Whispering] It’s here right now… in the corner.
Dan Scavino	I’m pretty sure that’s your wife, sir.
Donald Trump	My wife? [Whispers] What does it want?
Dan Scavino	Maybe it’s somehow trying to communicate. Don’t worry, we won’t let anything happen to you.
Donald Trump	AH, where did Pam Bondi go??
Dan Scavino	What?
Donald Trump	Pam Bondi, she’s gone!
Dan Scavino	But she was sitting right here!
Donald Trump	[Calling] PAM?
Dan Scavino	PAM??
Donald Trump	Where’s Pam Bondi?
Pam Bondi	[Gets up from under his desk] I’m right here, sir.
Dan Scavino	[Gasps] Look, it’s back!
Pam Bondi	What is back?
Dan Scavino	You’ve got some shit on your nose again.
Pam Bondi	Oh my god. What is going on?! [Rubs her nose]
Donald Trump	THAT THING. It’s not there anymore!
	Entity appears right next to Trump.
Donald Trump	AHH![Runs away]
	Cuts to the Shady Acres, where a morning alarm goes off.
Alarm Voice	Good morning, seniors it’s 6:30 AM. Rise and shine for your morning medication.
Randy	Arh, god, 6:30?
Marvin	Yeah, fucking sucks, doesn’t it?
	Stan checks his phone to see 756K people liked his community.
Stan	Holy shit.
Randy	What?
Stan	Holy SHIT.
	Cuts to Kyle’s room where Kyle is on his computer with Stan and Kenny behind.
Stan	756,000 likes you guys. We just built a massive online community.
Kyle	Wow. I can’t believe how many people agree with us.
Stan	I thought we could get 50 or 60 kids from school to sign up, but this is incredible!
Kyle	Alright, we’ve got everyone’s attention. So what do we do now?
Stan	What do you mean, dude? It’s obvious. It’s time for phase 2.
	Cuts to Stan sitting on a stool with a dark, bland backround, filming another advertisement.
Stan	Hey guys. If you’ve come here, then you’re likely joining the course of voices that’s fed up with the direction our town is going. We all want change in our community. And now, there’s an opportunity to truly make your voices heard. Introducing, the South Park Sucks Now Crypto-Currency Coin! This digital meme token is your way to be apart of the fastest growing community in America!
	Cuts to Stan standing on the sidewalk in town
Stan	This used to be a great town before all the politics came and ruined it all. Get in on our Crypto Meme Coin with this incredible pre-sale offer! [Background begins to change frequently while Kyle and Kenny are beside him] Each coin is just $9.95 but could be worth ten times that amount over night!
Kyle	Wait, a meme coin?
Stan	Do you want South Park to change? Then order your coins today at SouthParkSucksNow.com! Stan Marsh is not a financial advisor, affiliated with any financial institution. Digital assets are highly volatile and may involve significant risk, including loss of all funds. Ownership of South Park Sucks Now Coin does not represent equity, profit sharing,or ownership of any company, platform, or project. Participation is voluntary and should only be undertaken by individuals who fully understand the risks associated with block chain assets. South Park Sucks Now Coin is not registered with or regulated with by SEC or any financial authority. Please review all disclosures and consult with a liscensed financial advisor before engaging in digital asset transactions.
	Cuts to the Whitehouse where Donald Trump enters the bathroom to take a shower while being cautious. He hears a noise and exists to use Towelie to dry
Towelie	[Groaning in pain]
Donald Trump	[Walks to the sink to grab something from the cupboard before seeing a reflection of his wife in the mirror then run away screaming] AHHH, AH FUCK, FUCK!
Satan	What?
Donald Trump	That’s the Woman in the Hat!
Satan	What are you talking about?
Donald Trump	The Woman in the Hat! She’s in the fucking bathroom! [Runs out of the bedroom]
	Cuts to the hallway of the Whitehouse with Dan Scavino, JD Vance, and a Security.
Whitehouse Security	We’ve double checked everything, sir. All the exterior doors are locked. No windows have been breached.
Dan Scavino	And yet the president swears something was in the room with him.
Whitehouse Security	Is he going to be alright?
Dan Scavino	Pretty Shaken. Pam Bondi is in there now trying to calm him down and make him feel better.
Pam Bondi	[Screaming]
Dan Scavino	Pam? [Rushes into the office] Oh my god.
Pam Bondi	[Groaning]
	Cuts to Shady Acres where the elderly are getting their lunch. Stan is on a laptop with Kenny and Kyle beside him.
Kyle	Stan… what are we doing?
Stan	What do you mean, dude? We’re tryjng to change things.
Kyle	By selling crypto-currency?
Stan	What’s wrong with trying to make a little money while also pointing out the things wrong with our town?
Kenny	[Muffled] Yeah! What’s wrong with that?
Stan	I have to do something, Kyle. I’m 9 years old and I live in a retirement home.
Kyle	And you really think crypto is your way out? Do you even know anything about how that stuff works?
Stan	Well, actually, we have a really strong crypto advisor. Your cousin on the east coast.
Kyle	My cousin?
	Shows video call with Kyle Shwartz.
Kyle Schwartz	I’m baaack! Alright, looks like we’ve got a lot of movement on your coins, boys. The pre-sale really popped. We cleared 100 grand volume before liquidity even locked. The token’s really got traction.
Stan	And we don’t ever have to pay anything, right?
Kyle Schwartz	Nope, you never pay anything. You guys created the coin, so all you do it profit from it.
Stan	See? I told you.
Kenny	[Muffled] That’s fucking awesome, dude!
Kyle Schwartz	Now we just need to keep creating hype around the South Park Sucks Now digital coin. So we need to come up with things to give people FOMO and make them ape even harder.
Kyle	You guys, this isn’t about a coin, it’s about a movement.
Stan	Oh, that’s really good.
Kyle Schwartz	Yeah, yeah, that’s perfect. [Types into computer] “This isn’t about a coin, it’s about a movement.” Yeah, that’s some savvy Jew-Jitsu right there.
Stan	So what kind of time frame are we looking at to get our money? I need it as fast as possible.
Kyle Schwartz	Well, I think we’re looking at a classic rug pull in just a few days. Once we pump the coin as high as it’ll go, then I can register for an MSB with the federal government.
Stan	The federal government? That sounds hard.
Kyle Schwartz	Oh, no, it’s gonna be easy. The crypto corruption at the Whitehouse is off the chain. We’re gonna screw a lot of people over their money, boys. It’s gonna be fantastic.
	Cuts back to the Whitehouse with two people knocking on the front door.
Stephen Miller	[Answers the door] Yes?…
Paranormal Investigator	Uh, yes, we’re paranormal investigators. We’ve been asked to come in and investigate the mysterious Woman in the Hat.
Stephen Miller	I am… Stephen Miller. Senior Advisor to the President for immigration and domestic policy. Won’t you… come in?
	The two investigators enter the building and Stephen Miller shuts the door behind them. Cuts to the office where they are analysing the shit on Pam’s nose.
Paranormal Investigator	Oh my god, it’s incredible. Subject is showing some kind of viscous residue on her nose.
Donald Trump	Well, what the fuck is it?
Paranormal Investigator 2	Sometimes, there’s a physical manifestation of spiritual energy. A bridge between the spirit world and ours. In this case, it appears to be some kind of rectoplasm.
Dan Scavino	Rectoplasm?
JD Vance	What is it made of?
Paranormal Investigator	It’s unbelievable! The rectoplasm seems to be 54% Fillet-O-Fish sandwich!
Donald Trump	Oh my god! I ate Fillet-O-Fish sandwich last night!
Dan Scavino	Jesus!
Paranormal Investigator	And it’s also 28% Taco Bell.
Donald Trump	Oh my god! I ate Taco Bell this morning!
Dan Scavino	What does it mean?
Paranormal Investigator	And it’s 14% it’s own cum.
Donald Trump	Oh my god! I ate-… [chuckles nervously] Hey! Pam! Deal with them!
	Cuts to Fox News announcement
Announcer	This is Fox News Super Alert!
Fox News Reporter	Two paranormal investigators were indicted today on federal charges of falsifying data. The President said that the bad people manipulated readings and reports to make fake news. The charges were filed by Attorney General Pam Bondi, who said that “The President is a great man, even if he DOES eat his own semen. In other news, many people are saying that South Park sucks now. The small mountain town in Colorado has been a hotbed for political activity in recent weeks, and three local Gen Alpha boys are vowing to put a stop to it.
	Cuts to Stan on the laptop with Kenny, and Kyle, who seems bothered.
Stan	Okay, we’re mooning… we’re mooning… alright, that’s gotta be it. [Picks up phone] Okay, we’re done mooning, I think we’re ready to dump.
	Cuts to Kyle Schwartz on a train.
Kyle Schwartz	[On call with Stan] Okay, sounds good. I’m on the Acela train right now. I should be in DC by 6:30 to meet with Don Jr. Once I get Whitehouse approval, we should be able to do the rug pull.
Kyle	I’m out, dude. [Leaves]
Stan	Kyle? Kyle wait! [Runs after him with Kenny] Dude, you can’t quit now. Do you know how much money we’re about to make?
Kyle	I thought you were sick of the way South Park was going, Stan.
Stan	I am!
Kyle	So then why are you trying to engineer a rug pull in conjunction with the federal government?
Stan	Bro, it’s the world we live in, okay? I mean, at least we’re being men, and taking some control. Look at Kenny! He-he’s doing stuff now!
Kenny	[Muffled] Yeah, dude, I’m doing stuff!
Kyle	I know it sucks to be living in an old folk’s home, Stan, but you can’t fix things if you’re only thinking about yourself. [Leaves the building]
	Dramatic music plays before cutting to the Whitehouse where Kyle Schwartz approaches the door and knocks on.
Stephen Miller	[Opens the door] Yes?…
Kyle Schwartz	Uh, yes, I’m with the South Park Sucks Now cryptocurrency. We’re trying to fuck a bunch of people out of their money. Is Don Jr. around?
Stephen Miller	Ah yes, he’s been expecting you. Do come in… [Slowly closes door behind Kyle]
Kyle Schwartz	[Inside the Whitehouse] Oh Jesus, it’s a little drafty in here.
Stephen Miller	You’ll have to excuse the conditions. The master has taken down the East-Wing and unleashed a wrath.
Brendan Carr	[Walking with his bandages, and groaning]
Kyle Schwartz	Oh Jesus! It’s a mummy!
Stephen Miller	No, no, that’s just the head of the FCC. He’s lost his freedom of speech.
Brendan Carr	[Continues groaning]
Stephen Miller	Come. Don Jr. is… this way.
	Cuts to a room where Don Jr. is with Kyle Schwartz.
Kyle Schwartz	Thank you so much for taking my meeting, Don Jr. We’ve got an incredible crypto opportunity here and we just need your help taking a big dump.
Don Jr.	That sounds really great. Thers’s nothing I like better than a big crypto dump.
Kyle Schwartz	So sorry I had to bug you this late in the evening but time really is essence here.
	Door suddenly opens and Pam enters.
Pam Bondi	We need everyone to gather in the dining room. Immediately.
Don Jr.	In the dining room? Why?
Pam Bondi	We are going to have a séance. It’s time to confront the spirit here.
Kyle Schwartz	The-the spirit? What spirit?
	Cuts to Kenny, and Stan, who is trying to call Kyle Schwartz.
Kenny	[Muffled] Alright, dude, the price is starting to go down!
Stan	Yeah, I can see the price is going down. What the hell is he doing?
Kenny	[Muffled] He’s not answering?
Kyle Schwartz	Hello, you’ve reached Pump and Dump Crypto Advisors. Let us know how we can help you fuck people over. Just leave a message. [beep]
Stan	Dude, what is going on? Our token’s value totally peaked and it’s starting to go down. Whatever approval you have to get at the Whitehouse, we need it now![hangs up] God damn it!
Kenny	[Muffled] Dude, it keeps going down, what the fuck are we gonna do?
Stan	I don’t know, Kenny, okay? Shut up already!
	Cuts back to the Whitehouse in the dining room where everyone’s gathered.
Kyle Schwartz	Oh Jesus, this is a little creepy. Are we having dinned? I’m allergic to dairy.
Pam Bondi	Everyone, please put your hands on the table. I am speaking to the entity in this house.
Kyle Schwartz	Is this a good time to talk turkey? I just need to go over some quick business.
Pam Bondi	We know you are sad. We know you are… lonely. But we must ask you to leave our President alone.
Don Jr.	Oh my god, this is really scary.
Pam Bondi	The President is a great man, and he does not deserve to be tormented like this.
Dan Scavino	Pam! Pam!
Pam Bondi	[Rubs shit off her nose] Oh! Oh! Restless spirit! We only wish to communicate!
	Thunder crackles and everyone turns their head to see the Woman in the Hat.
Donald Trump	Holy shit! She’s right fucking there!
Kyle Schwartz	What is that?
Pam Bondi	[Being possessed] Deception! Deception!
JD Vance	Boss, maybe we should stop this.
Donald Trump	No! I wanna hear what it has to say.
Pam Bondi	[Moaning] Epstein!
Donald Trump	Uh, no no. You’re right. Let’s stop this.
Pam Bondi	[Points to JD Vance] YOU! }
Donald Trump	What? You? What did he do?
Pam Bondi	He lies!
JD Vance	Oh, you fucking bitch!
Pam Bondi	Corruption!
JD Vance	She’s not possessed! Pam Bondi’s trying to get my fucking job!
Kyle Schwartz	Oh I can’t do this!
Pam Bondi	Lies!
Brendan Carr	[Mumbling]
Kyle Schwartz	I gotta get out of here!
	Kristi’s face melts off and slithers across the table.
Kyle Schwartz	Oh! Oh god! Okay! Okay! It’s all true! We’ve been dealing in deception and lies! [pulls out papers] We’ve all been getting filthy rich off of crypto! Oh Jesus! We’ve lied and we’ve cheated. [Rips up the papers] Crypto’s just a giant money laundering scheme for the rich to get richer. Please don’t haunt us anymore! We’re sorry. We’re all very sorry!
	Cuts to Fox News
Announcer	This is a Fox News! Agh! America!!
Fox News Reporter	A massive crypto fraud had been exposed at the Whitehouse. And the perpetrator has been indicted. A ghostly wrath that was unleashed on the East-Wing exposed the traitor at a séance last night. The traitor is now behind bars and serving 10 years for fraud. Charges, of course, were once again filed by Pam Bondi, who said “We will continue to indit anyone who says bad stuff about our amazing President.”
	Cuts back to the Shady Acres with Kyle, Stan and Kenny sitting together.
Stan	I’m sorry Kyle, I should have listened to you. I guess there’s just no really going back to the way things used to be.
Kyle	Things will get back, Stan. I know it’s hard to see right now but things WILL get back to normal. And in the meantime, we just have to make the most of where we are.
	”If I Didn’t Care” by The Ink Spots begins playing
Nurse	Alright, seniors, just move with the rhythm now. Good! Good, seniors. Nice!
	Slow zoom out of the Nursing Home. Cuts to the outside of the Whitehouse where the Woman in the Hat stands at the window. Credits roll.
End of The Woman In The Hat