The Crap Out/Script

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"Turkey Trot/Script"

"The Crap Out/Script"

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Cast

• Donald Trump
• JD Vance
• Satan
• Stan Marsh
• Woodland Critters
• Jesus Christ
• Peggy Rockbottom
• Pam Bondi
• Peter Thiel
• Pete Hegseth
• Mr. Mackey
• Towelie
• Fox News Anchor
• Sean Hannity
• Fox and Friends Hosts
• Harrison Yates
• Toby
• Dan Scavino

Script

The Crap Out
	South Park Elementary, school bell rings, kids walk around the halls.
Stan	[off-screen] The past few months have just been... really awful. There were these ICE raids, and my dad's company went out of business. Then we lost our house and had to move into the old folks home with my grandpa.
	Camera focuses on the Counselor's Room door. Then it cuts to Stan sitting on a chair inside.
Stan	It's like everything keeps changing and I really don't know how to cope with it.
	The camera then cuts to Jesus, sitting in front of Stan with a disinterested expression, tuning an electric guitar.
Jesus	Uh-uh. And how exactly do you feel like shit has changed, bro? [plays some guitar chords]
Stan	Well, Jesus, it just seems like people aren't really as kind and giving as they used to be, you know? Like, I just got some money from Saudi Arabia and I'm thinking of sharing it.
Stan	'Cause I feel like that's what everyone needs right now. Like, a big, Christmas miracle?
Jesus	[momentarily looks at Stan in silence] Sounds like some socialist bullshit to me, bro. [plays some more guitar chords]
Stan	[angrily] Jesus, I don't wanna live in an old folks home anymore, okay? Now I don't know what's made you change like this, but we need some goddamn Christmas magic!
	Peggy Rockbottom opens the door and enters the room with a bottle and two wine cups.
Peggy	[to Jesus] Hey, baby, I brought us some Pinot Grigio!
Jesus	What took you so long?! [plays guitar chords]
Peggy	Don't be mad-- I was out doing my charity work! [to Stan] I'm a Christian, so I sing to people in need! [snorts]
Jesus	Just shut up and pour me that shit! [plays guitar chords]
	Stan looks at Jesus in disbelief, while Peggy starts serving the Pinot Grigio.
Jesus	You wanna make your life better, Stan? Join the frickin' club! This is the time of the year we all wish things were better. But trust me, nothing miraculous is gonna happen to anyone.
	Cuts to the White House, in a snowy ambient with Christmas decorations and festive music playing. Then cuts to Satan decorating a baby carriage with a Christmas-themed hanging toy. Satan begins singing while putting different Christmas decorations around.
Satan	The crib is decorated And the nursery's all planned I put holly on the diapers with all the love I can Tiny dreams in tinsel glow What's more special than A new baby at Christmastime
	The camera focuses on the TV, showing a Fox News broadcast, showing a split screen between a news anchor and a montage with Trump, pregnant Satan and a edited "demon" baby. The festive music continues.
Fox News Anchor	Only days remain until America meets President Trump's demon spawn. How Satan will give birth to the butt baby is still unclear, but everyone knows the crap-out is coming.
	Focuses back to Satan, holding baby wipes. He continues singing and hanging Christmas decorations.
Satan	Done the wipes and mistletoe There's so much to be done We'll drink eggnog and cocoa when labor has begun So many reasons to be glad, and I'll be having one A new baby at Christmastime I will love the baby and so will its dad We will be so...
	After Satan hangs the "baby's 1st Christmas" star at the Christmas tree and lights it up, the music suddenly stops.
Satan	Wait a minute. Where the hell is he?
	Satan comes out of the nursery room, holding his protruding belly.
Satan	Donald? Donald! Where is Donald?
	Satan walks over to the railing, and Pam Bondi and Dan Scavino are standing in the hallway.
Dan Scavino	Oh, sorry Satan, the President had to fly to Colorado on an urgent matter.
Satan	[angryily] An urgent matter? Are you serious right now!? I told him [slamming fists on the railing] this was the day we were gonna sing songs and decorate the nursery! What is he doing that's more urgent than that!?
Dan Scavino	Sorry it's all high level classified stuff. Even we don't know have the clams to know what he's doing.
Satan	He's such a piece of shit! [starts crying] He does this to me all the time! I'm about to have a baby and he's out [slams fists on the railing] fucking around!
	Satan turns around and slams the door.
Dan Scavino	Hormones, huh?
Pam Bondi	It is strange that the president hasn't even informed me why he's going to Colorado.
Dan Scavino	Well, the president said it's top secret and only he and the vice president can know. Whatever they're doing must be part of an extremely covered military operation.
	Cuts to the Town of South Park. In the streets, Trump is wearing a Santa costume and JD Vance wears an elf costume. They ring the bells in their hands people walk past them.
Trump	Meeeerry Christmas! Relax, guy! He-he-hey! Relax, guy!
	Vance gets close to Trump and he kneels down to his level.
JD Vance	Okay boss, this is the place. [pointing forward] That is the police station over there.
	The camera pans to the South Park County Police Station across the street.
JD Vance	That's where they're keeping Peter Thiel.
Trump	Alright you just gotta keep it quiet. Nobody can know I want to kill this baby. Now get o—
	A person walks by and Satan jumps up in surprise.
Trump	Merry Christmas! He-he-hey! Relax! [to his knees again] Are you sure this Peter Thiel can do it?
JD Vance	Yes boss. But we must find a way to break him out of the police sta—
Trump	[shushing JD Vance] Shh shh shh! Happy holidays! He-he-hey!
Mr. Mackey	[walking past them and turning around] Oh, I'm sorry I don't have any spare change, m'kay? The government cut school funding so I lost my job. And then you know, everything cost more with all the terrorists and then my healthcare got cut so I'm just struggling like a lot of Americans are.
Trump	[long pause] … Alright, well, Merry Christmas!
	Mr. Mackey turns around and leaves
JD Vance	We better hurry boss! The time might be on to us and the crap out could be any minute now!
Trump	Okay, let's synchronize our watches. It's time to complete "Operation: Kill My Own Baby"!
	In front of the Shady Acres Retirement Home, Peggy Rockbottom is singing for the seniors inside with a visible black eye. Stan is sitting in the middle of the seniors, looking bored.
Peggy	I'll be home for Christmas~ If only in my dreams, my dreams, my heart and my dreams~ Hello seniors I'm Peggy Rockbottom here to spread a little holiday cheer. You know sometimes we forget the reason for this season, but there's only one man in my life, and that man is Jesus Christ. Tonight will be a song for him. A Christian woman knows her place So go ahead and punch me in the face! 'Cause I deserve it, I was wrong! That's why I wrote this holiday song With my big fake tits And my Botox lips Saying Merry Christmas, Jesus Christ
	Stan went from looking bored to confused as he left the chair and the room.
Peggy	Come on, seniors, sing along. A Christian woman knows her place
Seniors, singing along	So go ahead and punch me in the face! 'Cause I deserve it, I was wrong! That's why I wrote this holiday song With my big fake tits And my Botox lips Saying Merry Christmas, Jesus Christ
	Stan walks down the hall with both his hands in his pockets. He stops and looks at the restroom for a while before deciding to go in.
	Once inside, Stan reluctantly went for the toilet, perching his hands on the toilet seat, looking down.
Stan	[to the bowl] I don't know if you can hear me, but I've been kinda wishing for a Christmas miracle. If miracles can still even happen, please, make it happen now?
	Nothing happens for a moment, but then a light shines from behind Stan and the light starts flickering. As the light comes back on, appears the Woodland Critters. Stan looks horrified.
Woodland Critters	Yay!
Beary	Look, guys! It's Stanny!
Woodland Critters	Stanny!
Stan	[turning around] Oh no!
Beavery	Did you miss us, Stan?
Stan	Oh no!
	Stan runs out of the restroom. The scene cuts to Satan walking down the hall of the White House with laundry.
Satan	That son of a bitch. I could give birth any minute!
	He walks into the laundry room and places the basket on the washer.
Satan	"Oh hey Satan, you about to go into labor? Okay! How about you go do everything and I'll do nothing?" "Oh yeah great idea, Donald! Just like you always do!"
	Satan sifts through the dirty laundry and came across Trump's underwear with poop stains.
Satan	Ohh, God he is so disgusting! [holding another soiled underwear] Ugh he's such a pig!
	Satan holds up a blue jockstrap with a "JV" on it.
Satan	A blue jockstrap? He doesn't wear a blue jockstrap. Who does this belong to?
Towelie	[from somewhere, voice hoarse] Vaaaance. It's... Vaaaaancee...
	Satan turns around to see a dirty Towelie in a pile of dirty laundry.
Towelie	They're together...
Satan	What are you talking about?
Towelie	They just wanna... kill the baby...
Satan	What!?
	Satan pulls Towelie out from the pile, holding him up.
Towelie	The president... V-Vance... so much sex.
Satan	I can't understand you because you're covered in dried up milk!
Towelie	It's... not milk...
Satan	EW!
	Satan recoils in disgust and puts Towelie under running water. Towelie coughs up as he visibly start to look better. Satan turns off the faucet.
Towelie	Oh thank God! Oh thank God!
Satan	Tell me everything you know!
Towelie	I-I will! But first, please, I-I need to get just a little high.
	The scene cuts to the retirement home. Stan walks out angrily, followed shortly by the Woodland Critters.
Stan	Go away!
Woodland Critters	Hold up!
Stan	What do you guys want!?
Beavery	Well, didn't you hear, Stan? Satan's gonna give birth to the antichrist!
Beary	Yeah, he's gonna have a butt baby and there's gonna be a biiiig crap out!
Chikadee-y	And nobody loves a crap out more than us!
Woodland Critters	[cheering] Yeah!
Stan	Wait a minute. Wait wait wait, this doesn't make any sense! You guys are just something that Cartman made up in his head!
Beary	[looking at each other] Uhh are you really gonna over-analyze a crap out?
Rabbity	No way, crap outs have no rules!
Woodland Critters	[cheering as they run up to Stan] Yeah!
Squirrely	Alright, y'all. Stan was just here to help the Prince of Darkness, so we gotta do what he says.
Stan	I didn't wish for that! I didn't know anything about Satan having a baby or crap outs!
Beavery	But you asked for a Christmas miracle, Stan. And this crap out's gonna make everything better!
Stan	[thinking about it] It is? Are you sure?
Woodpeckery	Of course! Crap outs are the best!
Foxy	Come on, let's get to it!
	The Woodland Critters run forwardas they cheered while Stan is left standing, confused and still unsure. The scene cuts to the garden of White House where Towelie sits as he smokes a pot.
Towelie	Oh it's been so long. [puffing] So then, Vice President Vance he doesn't want you to have the baby, right? 'Cause he, he thinks your baby is gonna hurt his chances of becoming president. So he convinces Trump to try to get rid of the baby himself, but [puffing] everytime he tries he gets blocked by the FCC. [puffing]
Satan	If he didn't want the baby why didn't he tell me?
Towelie	They couldn't let anyone know they wanted to get rid of the baby because, you know, republicans, abortions, it's a bad look.
Satan	[seething]
Towelie	So then Vance gets this guy Peter Thiel to get rid of the baby and Thiel's about to come to it when Pam Bondi suddenly finds out there's a plot to kill the baby. It's so crazy, man. You can't write this shit. [puffing]
Satan	What did I ever see in him?
Towelie	So then the President he's pissed off at Vance. He says "you've been lying to me!", but Vance says "I was just tryna protect you". And then they start having sex over and over and over and over—
Satan	ENOUGH! [he turns to Towelie] The President hath deceived me. He hath deceived us all. And I shall make him pay!
Towelie	[puffing his weed, looking determined] Oh hell yeah, man. Let's go get that motherfucker. [he flicks his joint to the side]
	Inside the busy Park County Police Department, Trump and Vance, still in their costumes, barges in while hauling a green bag.
Trump	Hey! Merry Christmas!
JD Vance	Merry Christmas!
Trump	Happy holidays, relax guy! [comes up to Yate's desk] Hello, we're with the Salvation Army, we've brought some food for your prisoners!
	Yates looks at Pether Thiel Thiel and Pete Hegseth behind bars.
Harrison Yates	Food for the prisoners?
Trump	Hey, relax guy! This is the time of year to give to the needy! We brought them this cake!
Pete Hegseth	[coming up to the prison bar] We don't need your cake! The president's gonna come for us and he's gonna—[Peter Thiel elbows him] oof!
Harrison Yates	Well, I guess there's no harm. Mitch, let him in. [Mitch walks towards the prison cell]
Trump	Hey, thanks, buddy!
	The scene cuts to Stan walking down the street looking fed up as the Woodland Critters sang, walking alongside him.
Woodland Critters	We're heading for a crap out, crap out, crap out We smell a crap out coming soon! Don't take the hard route
Beary	Just get to the crap out!
Woodland Critters	Satan's gonna crap out his anal womb!
Stan	[stopping] Okay, h-hold on a second! You said that Satan was in Washington, D.C.?
Rabbity	Yeah, he was! And now he's about to be here!
Stan	But how can you know that?
Squirrely	Oh for Pete's sake, Stanny. Will you just get on board with the crap out already?
Foxy	Don't worry, Stanny. Everything has been foretold and nothing can stop the antichrist from comin'!
Woodpeckery	Except, of course, for Peter Thiel.
Woodland Critters	[unsettled] Ooooh.
Skunky	P-P-P-Peter Thiel?
Stan	Wait, you mean the "6 7" guy?
Beavery	You know Peter Thiel?
Stan	Yeah, he did a big dumb assembly at the school.
Foxy	He's here!?
Raccoony	What are you gonna do, Stanny?
Beavery	Are you gonna kill him and eat him?
Stan	Alright, look. If I'm gonna get on board with something, I need it to make a little bit of sense.
Beary	Well okay, Susan Sontag. We'll make sure it all lines up perfectly for you.
Woodland Critters	[cheering] Yay!
	Cuts to the Park County Police Station, where Peter Thiel is using a transceiver to communicate with Trump and Vance.
Peter Thiel	Peter Thiel to Red Dragon, come in Red Dragon.
Trump	Go ahead guy, this is Red Dragon.
Peter Thiel	I got the walkie in the cake, awaiting further instructions.
Trump	Excellent! Just stand by and we'll find a way to get you out, so you can kill my baby. Let's synchronize our watches.
Satan	DONAAAAALD!
Trump	Uh oh.
Satan	You have LIED to me!
JD Vance	Satan! We were just doing some charity work!
Towelie	Yeah I don't think so. I've told Satan every detail of your expertly crafted plot.
JD Vance	Boss! It's your cumrag!
Satan	I stayed with you while you two were fucking behind my back! Did Donald tell you he has genital warts?
Trump	[Trump laughs nervously]Relax there guy!
Raccoony	Look, there he is! It's Satan!
Woodland Critters	Yay!
Beavery	Just as the prophecy foretold!
Stan	Towelie?! What's going on?
Towelie	What's going on is the most exquisitely woven tapestry of ideas that you've ever seen, man.
Satan	Your deception is over Donald, and so are we. This child will be born, and for once you're going to have to live with the consequences of your actions.
	A comet flies through the air and crashes down in front of Trump and Vance, revealing it to be Jesus Christ.
Jesus	Keep your hands off my president, bro.
Beary	Woah, it's Jesus Christ!
Woodland Critters	[awh in dissapointed unison.]
Jesus	This happens to be a great man that's protecting our country from fags!
Towelie	What the hell happened to Jesus?
Stan	He's all Christian now
Satan	This man is a con artist, and I will deal with him.
Jesus	Don't think so bro!
	Jesus pulls out his guitar, using it to magically teleport Trump and Vance to safety.
Towelie	Oh my god this just keeps getting crazier.
	Satan begins to grunt, while taking a knee and clutching his stomach.
Raccoony	What's wrong Satan?
Satan	It-It's the baby, I think it's coming.
Squirrely	Oh wow ya'll, it's time!
Beavery	What do we do, Stan?
Stan	I-I dunno, gotta get him to a hospital!
	Cuts to Hell's Pass Hospital, where Stan and the Woodland Critters surround Satan in a hospital bed.
Beavery	Oh boy! The big crap-out is almost here!
Chickadee-y	I can hardly wait! Can hardly wait!
Beary	Look, It's the doctor!
Woodland Critters	Yay!
Doctor	Alright we're almost ready, we just wanna run a quick ultrasound and we'll get you into the OR.
Satan	Doctor we must hurry, there are evil forces at work.
	Cuts to inside the police station, where Jesus blasts through the door with his teleportation, Trump and Vance follow him inside.
Trump	All right! This guy's incredible! Okay, now set Peter Thiel free.
	Jesus plays his guitar, melting the inside of the lock causing the cell to open.
Peter Thiel	Mr. President! What happened?
Trump	I dunno! I got another Christian dipshit to help me get what I want. Let's go Christianity!
Peter Thiel	Then we can proceed. We have very little time to stop the antichrist from coming.
JD Vance	Boss, just so you know, I don't care if my asshole is filled with genital warts. I still love you.
	Cuts to Hell's Pass Hospital, with Satan still in bed waiting to deliver the antichrist
Satan	I can't believe he turned out to be this big of a piece of shit. I seriously fall for the worst guys!
Beary	Now now Satan, you need to save your strength.
Satan	I mean I knew he sucked, okay? I knew it. But I didn't think he would go this far, I am so stupid.
Squirrely	Naw you're not stupid. Stanny, tell Satan he's not stupid.
Stan	You're not stupid.
Satan	No, I'm stupid, I saw how he treated everyone but I was willing to look the other way. All just because I wanted my Christmas miracle.
Stan	Your Christmas miracle?
Satan	My little baby, the only thing in my life that can actually be good...but now Donald has Jesus on his side, and we'll never be free.
Beavery	Satan's right, if the president has Jesus on his side, he's unstoppable.
Deery	It's only a matter of time before they come here and ruin everything.
Woodland Critters	Awwwwwww.
Squirrely	Now don't be down ya'll, we have our own secret weapon.
Beary	That's right! They might have Jesus, but we've got Stan.
Woodland Critters	Yay!
	Cuts back to Hell's Pass Hospital, where Jesus, Trump, Vance, Peter, and Pete slowly approach the building.
Trump	Let's do this!
Foxy	Oh no, here they c-c-c-come!
Skunky	What are we gonna do?
Peter Thiel	Where is room six seven?
	A receptionist points to the door, with a perplexed expression on her face.
Peter Thiel	Thank you.
	Jesus continues shredding on his guitar as they take the elevator up, with Stan and the woodland critters blocking their path.
Trump	Hey kid, get out of the way.
Stan	No. If you want to get to Satan, you'll have to go through us. I am fully embracing this crap-out.
Woodland Critters	Yay!
Peter Thiel	Do not listen to Eric Cartman's creatures of darkness, child!
Stan	I don't know who to listen to anymore. All I know is I might as well help someone get their Christmas miracle. Because nobody's helping me with mine. At least, that's what Christmas used to mean. Trying to make things a little easier for someone else who needed it. I dunno what happened to your spirit of Christmas, Jesus. Let's face it. You gave up, and now you've hit rock bottom.
Jesus	Hey, I-I didn't hit her, okay? I mean, a-alright maybe I did, but Peggy was asking for it!
Stan	That's actually not at all what I was talking about.
Jesus	No, you're right. You're right, my child. I gave up and I lost faith. I don't want to do this.
Trump	Ay, Don't forget I can sue you!
	Jesus switches sides, standing with Stan and the woodland critters.
Jesus	Then go ahead and sue me. I'm not gonna be afraid anymore.
Doctor	Uh, excuse me everyone? Sorry, sorry to interrupt but uh, I'm afraid we have some really bad news.
Jesus	What?
Trump	Wha-what-what happened?
Doctor	We've looked at the ultrasound, and it appears that at some point when nobody was watching, the baby hung itself and took its own life.
Stan	What?!
Beavery	What are you talking about?
Doctor	I'm afraid you can see it all in the video, the baby got a hold of some bed sheets and there's a couple minutes missing from the ultrasound, but it was definitely a suicide.
Trump	You gotta be kidding me! The baby hung itself?
JD Vance	Boss, boss it's a miracle!
Beary	But does that mean there's not gonna be a crap-out?
	Cuts to Fox news reporting the fetal suicide.
Fox News	This is a Fox News special alert.
Fox News Anchor	Fox news has just received confirmation that the unborn child of Satan and President Trump has decided to take the easy way out and end its own life.
	Cuts to Sean Hannity standing in front of a screen with an image of the ultrasound. The chyron features the caption "FOX NEWS ANALYST: BABY LACKED MENTAL TOUGHNESS".
Sean Hannity	Definitely an unfortunate turn of events, Fox News has analyzed the ultrasound. You can see the baby probably considering suicide right here, [the screen behind him suddenly goes dark] and then a little bit missing, [the screen now shows the dead fetus hanging from a noose] and it killed itself. Obvious confirmation of suicide, you can see a little chair there. Just what babies do sometimes.
	Cuts to the "Fox and Friends" set, with the female host, Karen, talking.
Karen	That's right and if you or someone you know is a fetus contemplating suicide, we urge you to call Fox News as much as you possibly can.
Fox News Anchor	In the mean time all our thoughts and prayers are with the president tonight, who will be holding a funeral for his unborn child at the White House.
	Cuts to the White House, where Trump is throwing a party instead of hosting a funeral while "Joy to the World" plays in the background. He dances around the lobby as everyone there sends their condolences, unaware of his true motives towards the now deceased baby.
Trump	Hey Merry Christmas! Did you hear the news? The baby's dead!
Dan Scavino	Yes Mr. President we are so sorry.
Trump	Happy Holidays! The baby's dead!
Tim Cook	Are you okay, sir?
Trump	Yeah it's really hard, here have a cigar!
	Camera shows poorly changed cigars to say "It's a DEAD" instead of the baby's gender.
Trump	Hey Pam! Merry Christmas, the baby's dead!
Pam Bondi	You're so strong Mr. President, and you're taking it really well.
Trump	Hey thanks Pam!
	Cuts to Satan, mourning the baby's death in the nursery. He takes down the Christmas decorations and packs them away. He gives the room one last look before heading out, only to see Trump doing a victory dance in the middle of the party.
Trump	I win, I win, I win again.
	Satan leaves the White House with his things. The scene cuts to the old folks' home where the caretaker hands several letters to the seniors.
Toby	Christmas letters from home. Here you go, some Christmas joy from your loved ones. There you go. [passes by Stan] Hey, there's one for you today.
	Stan sits by the end of the hall and Toby hands him a letter as well. Stan picks up the letter that says "To Stan, From Jesus". He opens it up.
Jesus	[in the letter] Dear Stan, I'm writing this because I owe you an apology and a thank you. You asked for a Christmas miracle and I didn't listen. So now, go to this address...
Stan	No way!
	Stan bursts out of the nursing home, and into the streets. He arrives at their old address to see it decorated with "MERRY CHRISTMAS STAN" using Christmas lights. He pulls out the key from inside the letter. He runs inside seeing the old interior of their home, running up to his room as he smiles to himself. He goes back out, gazing at the sky.
Stan	Thank you, thank you!
Jesus	[appearing as a constellation] I'll be here Stan, watching over everybody. Be good, and remember to never give up on the things that you commit to.
Peggy	He's so great, isn't he? Merry Christmas everyone! Let's all have the happiest holidays!
Peggy	A Christian woman knows her place So go ahead and punch me in the face! 'Cause I deserve it, I was wrong! That's why I wrote this holiday song With my big fake tits And my Botox lips Saying Merry Christmas, Jesus Christ Come on, seniors, sing along~
	Stan starts singing along as he went back inside. The camera pans out into the neighborhood.
End of The Crap Out